My Fiances family hates me. I am thinking of calling it off

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do?
    Leave him : (100 votes)
    64 %
    Work it out : (48 votes)
    31 %
    Suck it up and let them do whatever they want to do : (5 votes)
    3 %
    Let them plan the wedding : (3 votes)
    2 %
  • Member
    731 posts
    Busy bee

    @babylo0n:  There are only 3 scenarios:

    1. You leave
    2. FI grows a pair and starts standing up for you
    3. You continue putting up with it, knowing you’re right and it will only get worse down the line.

    I’m sorry, but I don’t see any other options. You can’t change his family. How very sad. I wish you luck in however you proceed.

    Member
    221 posts
    Helper bee

    Since these are your SO’s parents he should be sticking up for you and dealing with them not you. It would just be like if there was a problem with your parents with him you would have to be the one to talk to your parents. I think you need to lay down the line and be serious with him. Say I love you and tell him the truth how about he acts different when he’s with them and how he’s not sticking up for you.Tell him if he is not going to defend you now then how will you know if he is going to defend you when you get married. And if you tell him all this and he still doesn’t want to talk to his parents or realize the issue then I’d leave.

    There’s no reason being unhappy and he’s not going to do anything about it. I’ve had a few issues with my SO’s parents but he defends me and tells them how he feels and that this is our relationship and not theres too. People may not always get along with there in-laws but if they’re making your life hell then something needs to be done.

    Member
    7204 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    How does your FI handle them? At the end of the day he should always be on your side. If his family is that bad why doesn’t he cut them out of your lives? 

    Member
    2251 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @buggaboo6:  “Tell him if he is not going to defend you now then how will you know if he is going to defend you when you get married. And if you tell him all this and he still doesn’t want to talk to his parents or realize the issue then I’d leave.

    +1.

    I think his reasoning of wanting to stay out of your arguments is sh!t. You’re his fiance; you’re going to be his wife. You should be number one and he should be protecting you from his families insults.

    I don’t think I could marry a man who doesn’t stand up for me, especially when it’s his own family who are being so disrespectful.

    Member
    7405 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    @babylo0n:  Well if you cant/wont leave, and you wont talk to him about it because he blames you… Then I dont really see any more suggestions people can give you.

    Theres always options for what to do with the dogs. Find a temp home, leave them with a trusted person you know, boarding until you can find a place. Just because you break up doesnt mean you have to send the pets to a shelter.

    Member
    1442 posts
    Bumble bee

    Your FI needs to stand up for you! And you can stop trying to please them, you don’t owe them anything.

    Member
    1442 posts
    Bumble bee

    I just read your other updates. Your FI sounds like a jerk. Sorry! But in a marriage the spouse comes before the parents. Staying with someone because of the reasons you’re listing are just excuses. If you really want to leave, you WILL find a way to make it happen.

    Member
    7405 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    @babylo0n:  The first poster pretty much summed it up.

    There are only 3 scenarios:

    1. You leave
    2. FI grows a pair and starts standing up for you
    3. You continue putting up with it, knowing you’re right and it will only get  worse down the line.

    I’m sorry, but I don’t see any other options. You can’t change his  family.

    Except I might add a 4th option. You stand up for yourself, since your FI wont do it for you. Tell them that you will not put up with their crap any longer.

    Theres nothing else you or anyone else can do. Nobody can just whip out a magic spell and change his family.

    Member
    152 posts
    Blushing bee

    First of all, my heart goes out to you.  It’s hard when you love one person but they come with all this extra drama or difficulty that can be too much to handle.  This may be hard to hear, but if he doesn’t start standing up for you, I think you should leave.  It pains me even to write that but think about it; if you are the love of his life, as he probably claims, he should stand up to WHOEVER bullies you, even if it’s his family (and as hard as that would be for him that’s what loving you should mean).  Also, I don’t know you, but I am certain that every person deserves to be able to live authentically and truthfully to themselves, and you deserve to be happy.  If you change for them, you’ll be forced to wear this mask and the more you wear it the more you’ll hate and lose yourself.  If you stay on the path to be with him, one day you could realise how much time and love you have wasted on people who don’t love you back, and by then you will have no more love to give to yourself or to someone new.  Plus, if you divorced him (and I have no problem with divorce IF it’s the last resort) they’d end up being your crazy EX-in-laws and imagine how bad THAT would be!  And of course, if you had kids, that would just make things worse, because no matter what if they hate you as a wife and as a daughter-in-law they’re going to hate you as a mother, probably even more.

    A wedding isn’t just about the bride, and I get along great with my FI’s family, but of course we have our differences in opinion once in a while.  However the good far outweighs the bad and I am more than happy to incorporate his families’ ideas, any special traditions etc.  Like I said, it’s not just about me.  However, it is a truly special day for the bride and I know that even if I wanted the most appallingly tacky, gawdy, unconventional wedding (I don’t!), I would be surrounded by people on BOTH sides who would respect that.  Note I didn’t say LIKE.  But RESPECT.  Clearly your potential-IL’s have NO respect for your vision of YOUR day and that is unnacceptable.  If they cannot be changed, and if he refuses to stand by you, don’t   live your life behind a mask for them.  He may have this wonderful side that you love, but let’s say he’s a dice, right?  One side is this person you are in love with.  All the rest are the sides where he doesn’t defend you and even ends up on his parent’s side against you.  What do you think the odds are on every roll of that dice?  Not great, right?  And after you’ve been married for a while, that one side may hardly be enough to warrant you staying together.  Find someone-and they are out there-whose sides are always supportive, understanding, and loving of you!  He, nor his family, do not always have to agree 100%, but they should always come to you from a place of respect, in your wedding and in life.

    I wish you all the best and remember, you DESERVE happiness and authenticity in your life, and no one, especially not your new family, should deprive you of that, on your wedding day or EVER.

    Member
    99 posts
    Worker bee

    Im so sorry you are going through this! I can’t tell you what to do, but I can give you my opinion. You said he chooses his family over you. From my perspective, you are the family he is choosing to go through life with, so that should 100% of the time trump any other family. Is this a cultural thing? You mentioned Hawaii, so I could understand where he is coming from if he is from a pacific islander culture. The thing is though, you are going to have to decide if you can deal with this issue. I don’t see it getting easier. If you choose to have kids with this man, his family is going to always have something to say. Career change? What his family thinks will probably be more important. 

    To be honest… I could not live that way. He should have your back. He should stand up to his family. If you tell him how important that is to you and he still chooses them over you, that should be a dealbreaker. You deserve better. There is always a way to get out of a bad relationship. You just have to be open and know in your heart what you deserve. 

     

    Good luck

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