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aw, sounds like you're in conflict; you have your heart set on the theater, it sounds beautiful if they can get special lighting, theaters are usully very ornate and it is unique;
maybe you can compromise, he can invite a set number, but you still have it at the theater; I think you'll have regrets if you dont have the place you have your heart set on and you'll back at your wedding day with resentment
Your FI needs to grow a backbone and stick up for you!! Wedding disagreements set a precedent for how future arguments will be settled. If he allows his father to step all over your now, for this very special day, for YOUR day, then he always will. Your FI needs to tell his dad that you will be wed at the theater and he needs to pare down his guest list to fit capacity. Period.
And DO NOT give him any blank invitations, he'll probably send them out without your knowledge and all the sudden you'll have people RSVPing that you didn't invite!
Keep your venue, thank your FFIL for his lovely offer, but it's not needed, etc. Then give them their number and be done with it. He's being pushy and I hate HATE hate passive aggressive people.
I agree with the other comments. Go ahead with the theater plan you two already have and just give him a number he has to keep his guest list to. Your FI needs to realize he can't keep both you and his father completely happy this time, and that the important thing for your wedding is that it's an event for the two of you, not to celebrate his devotion as a son :) I'm with KateMW - passive aggressive people are the WORST! I mean really, why would he care about the cost of a theater if your mom is agreeing to pay for the wedding you want? Keep with your plan - it sounds like a really great venue - and I'm sure he'll get over it.
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I say keep your venue and try to discuss this with FI and ffil..it's important that this day is about the two of you and your WEDDING/MARRIAGE and not a fun-times reunion for your ffil...
That is exactly what my future in laws have done. They picked the venue because the one I liked was to expensive to have an open bar for 7 hours (yes I know). Then they picked the caterer who is a "friend" over one that fi and I really liked. You just have to pick your battles.
I agree with other posters. Stick to your guns. Have your FI stand up to his father and explain that you both agree on the wedding you want- he should not make you the scapegoat. If there is room at the theater, allow your FFIL X number of invites for his friends, but that's it.
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It's not okay for your FI to be so passive like that. He needs to stick up for you and what the two of you want for your wedding. If it is important to him that those 50 additional people be there, another larger venue may be something to consider. But otherwise, he needs to be the one to man up and tell his father what the two of you want.
I understand your FI's position. Man, i just had this issue with MY Fi last night! 75% of our guests are his family and his mom keeps adding on. I do feel like it's turning into a family reunion and i'm the party cupcake everyone gets to look at.
Your FI needs to put his foot down! You BOTH wanted this quaint little venue, right? And kudos for your mom, she shoudln't pay for that crap if YOU aren't going to be happy.
Do what you originally wanted. If your FFIL wants to throw you a second reception, tell him you'd be more than happy to have a big, fun brunch Sunday morning at his place. On his dollar. No joke!
Basically you cannot make everyone happy. You can make you and your FI happy, or you can make his family. Make yourself happy first. You don't want to regret it later.
Honey, its your wedding have it how you want it. Why isnt you future husband telling him to back off? What theater is it? i am originally from the cleveland area.
Can we back a bit to what FLAMY said? If it is important to him that those 50 additional people be there, another larger venue may be something to consider.
I was thinking the same thing. I read your post twice, and couldn't get an idea of how your FI felt about the size of the guest list. I think that is the first thing. Granted, if he would like his whole family there, he should be speaking up about it. He can't be saying to you, "I'm sorry it's what my dad wants." Then turn around and tell his dad, "I'm sorry it's what Macintosh wants." Not helpful.
So where does he stand on the guest list???
Also, coming from a large family, it's not so easy to just not invite them to a wedding. In my family, every sibling, cousin etc, invited the whole family. So if one decided to just have a small wedding, it would have been scandalous, (maybe not quite, but you get it.)
You sound like me, my FFIL is way more demanding then my own. After I posted my situation on WB I was told that since they are paying, you can't tell them where to spend their money, this sucks, but I can see their points. So FFIL is thinking, "hey I'm paying, I should get what I want." Would FFIL still help pay if you decide to go forward with the theater? Because, honey, I'm telling you now, if its a situation of "do this or you get nothing" Don't take their money!! My FFIL, like yours is very controlling, and it won't stop at the venue, he will be all up in your busniess about EVERYTHING!
We nipped it in the bud, FI's parents were only going to give us a $1000 "gift" is what they called it, but then FI's dad got upset when I didn't want to serve BBQ and took the "gift" back and it was a blessing in disguise, b/c he would of been trying to make the calls about everything! If you can swing it w/o FFIL's controbution, do it! Then he can't say anything about your wedding decisions b/c hes not paying!
I agree with AnnieAAA if you and your mom are going to be able to do it all with the in-laws go that route! It sounds like this venue is important to you, so don't settle for something else.
As for the guest list. Have your FI give his dad a limit and let that be that (especially if your FFIL is wanting to invite friends). AND make sure you're within earshot of the conversation to your FI has to man-up and be honest (i recommend a phone call).
My FI and I have had endless discussions about the size of his family, stemming from him not wanting to offend people by having to explain our limit. In the end it came down to having to just invite everyone (190, which is WAY over the 120 that can fit in our venue. it's going to cost an arm and a leg to pay for the extra space and you better believe his parents are going to have to chip in for it). It stresses me out everytime I think about it.
So it's not worth it. Find the best way to tell people that you're going to do what you want without permantely damaging relationships.
I'm inviting 250 to a venue that holds 200--youch. And it's all because of my FI's family.
That being said, you pick your battles. Our guest list had gotten to 300 people! My FI sat his father down and explained that they had to cut at least 40 people. After some wrangling, they agreed.
So, this needs to be discussed between you and your FI--he should be the one dealing with his own father, but you should know where he stands, too. Maybe he does kind of want those people there, but still really likes you theater, so is torn. Just talk to him about it!
Thank you all for your support! I really appreciate your comments. After seeing what some of you had to say, I asked my FI again just exactly how he felt about the extra people his dad wanted to invite. He said it would be nice to have them there, but he sees many benefits about the theater that outweigh the limitations. I reminded him that he could have a B-list in the (very likely) case that most of my out-of-town guests decline.
ejs4y8 - You are so right! I don't want to just be my FI's arm candy to impress his father's friends! I suggested that his family could host a post-wedding party of some kind and invite ANYONE they want.
Last I heard, FI basically told his father that we were having it at the theater and we had to limit the list because of it. I haven't seen my FFIL since last weekend, but FI thinks that his attitude will change if we give him some time.
Good for you! He'll get over it. After all, he can always pay for the party afterwards! You can wear a pretty white dress again, too! You can show a video of your wedding or something so your guests can feel like they were in the loop.
So if you cut out FFIL's friends, where do you stand with the 110 max? Do you still go over, with all the people in Fi's family?
my fmil is the same way. she is trying to make our wedding more about a family reunion than our day. it's not fair, it is very sad. i vote that you remain firm but polite.
I have to play devil here We keep saying "its your wedding" but truthfully isnt it "our wedding' The groom should have a say too. What does HE want to do?
Suggestion- ceremony- and small reception at theatre- and then bigger event in the buddy's hall- with committiment that Dad is picking up the bill?
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This is my first post, and It's going to be a long one, so please bear with me.
I have worked in the hospitality industry for over three years, and I have worked on at least a hundred weddings. Because of this, I have seen the ridiculous amount of excess involved in the wedding business. I never wanted a big wedding, and I promised myself I'd never get wrapped up in something that is so fleeting. What I do want is a unique and creative reception with delicious food.
Because of the recession, we are relying on the generous offers of our respective parents to help us pay for the celebration. When we decided to go ahead and plan our wedding, I did my research (Bridal Bargains!). I found out that off-season weddings were cheaper. I also read that renting a space and brining in separate catering was more economical that the wedding "packages" offered by many hotels and banquet halls.
With the words "unique" and "budget" in my head, I decided to contact a small theater company in my city who owns a small parish hall near my house. My fiance and I went to look at the hall, and found it to be a little small and kind of boring. Then we were shown to the theater itself, which has a beautiful brick interior and happens to be the oldest standing theater in Cleveland. We both (so I thought) fell in LOVE with the place, and my contact there was willing to give us the space for $2000 (he originally said $2400), which includes Friday night setup, all day Saturday, and Sunday cleanup. It's more that I was hoping to spend, but it's got a free sound system, all the tables we need, and we may even get some free lighting.
We decided on this venue over a month ago, and I was ready to put down a deposit until my fiance's father started making "suggestions". My fiance's family is HUGE, and his father wanted to invite over 50 more people than our original total of 85, including friends of his. He said he was willing to pay for all of the extra dinners, but the theater only holds 110 people max. So then he "suggested" that we try a banquet hall with a caterer that is a "friend" of his, instead of the theater. He told my fiance that the theater is too expensive, but that makes no sense because it would cost even more to feed all the people he wants to invite! My family is small and his family is already getting over 70% of the invites.
I feel like my FFIL is trying to turn our wedding into his personal family reunion and he's being passive aggressive about it. My fiance feels caught in the middle and just wants everyone to be happy, but I feel like he's making me the scapegoat so his father won't be mad at him. I'm going to do all the work planning this wedding if I can't have it at the venue I want. I have already put a lot of work into this and his family is acting like I don't know what I'm doing.
When I explained everything to my mother, she said she won't contribute anything to the wedding if it's not what I want, but will pay for the whole thing if I do it my way. My mother doesn't care what I do, as long as I don't spend too much money. The parents haven't met each other yet, but we're supposed to get everyone together around mother's day. This is a disaster in the making!
Help!