(Closed) My fiance’s family is trying to take over my wedding…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do?
    Proceed as planned and hope his family will get over it. : (24 votes)
    50 %
    Try to work it out with his family now so there are no hard feelings. : (22 votes)
    46 %
    Consider another venue, the theater is too expensive and too small. : (2 votes)
    4 %
    Do exactly what FFIL wants since your family doesn't really care. : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    1573 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    aw, sounds like you’re in conflict; you have your heart set on the theater, it sounds beautiful if they can get special lighting, theaters are usully very ornate and it is unique;

    maybe you can compromise, he can invite  a set number, but you still have it at the theater; I think you’ll have regrets if you dont have the place you have your heart set on and you’ll back at your wedding day with resentment

    Post # 4
    5823 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Your FI needs to grow a backbone and stick up for you!!  Wedding disagreements set a precedent for how future arguments will be settled.  If he allows his father to step all over your now, for this very special day, for YOUR day, then he always will.  Your FI needs to tell his dad that you will be wed at the theater and he needs to pare down his guest list to fit capacity.  Period.

    And DO NOT give him any blank invitations, he’ll probably send them out without your knowledge and all the sudden you’ll have people RSVPing that you didn’t invite!

    Post # 5
    2324 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2018

    Keep your venue, thank your FFIL for his lovely offer, but it’s not needed, etc. Then give them their number and be done with it. He’s being pushy and I hate HATE hate passive aggressive people.

    Post # 6
    672 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    I agree with the other comments.  Go ahead with the theater plan you two already have and just give him a number he has to keep his guest list to.  Your FI needs to realize he can’t keep both you and his father completely happy this time, and that the important thing for your wedding is that it’s an event for the two of you, not to celebrate his devotion as a son 🙂  I’m with KateMW – passive aggressive people are the WORST!  I mean really, why would he care about the cost of a theater if your mom is agreeing to pay for the wedding you want?  Keep with your plan – it sounds like a really great venue – and I’m sure he’ll get over it.

    Post # 7
    139 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I say keep your venue and try to discuss this with FI and ffil..it’s important that this day is about the two of you and your WEDDING/MARRIAGE and not a fun-times reunion for your ffil…

    Post # 8
    135 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    That is exactly what my future in laws have done. They picked the venue because the one I liked was to expensive to have an open bar for 7 hours (yes I know). Then they picked the caterer who is a "friend" over one that fi and I really liked. You just have to pick your battles.

    Post # 9
    2434 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2008

    I agree with other posters.  Stick to your guns.  Have your FI stand up to his father and explain that you both agree on the wedding you want- he should not make you the scapegoat.  If there is room at the theater, allow your FFIL X number of invites for his friends, but that’s it.

    Post # 10
    14 posts

    It’s not okay for your FI to be so passive like that.  He needs to stick up for you and what the two of you want for your wedding.  If it is important to him that those 50 additional people be there, another larger venue may be something to consider.  But otherwise, he needs to be the one to man up and tell his father what the two of you want.

    Post # 11
    14186 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I understand your FI’s position. Man, i just had this issue with MY Fi last night! 75% of our guests are his family and his mom keeps adding on. I do feel like it’s turning into a family reunion and i’m the party cupcake everyone gets to look at.

    Your FI needs to put his foot down! You BOTH wanted this quaint little venue, right? And kudos for your mom, she shoudln’t pay for that crap if YOU aren’t going to be happy. 

    Do what you originally wanted. If your FFIL wants to throw you a second reception, tell him you’d be more than happy to have a big, fun brunch Sunday morning at his place. On his dollar. No joke! 

    Basically you cannot make everyone happy. You can make you and your FI happy, or you can make his family. Make yourself happy first. You don’t want to regret it later. 

    Post # 12
    90 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    Honey, its your wedding have it how you want it. Why isnt you future husband telling him to back off?  What theater is it? i am originally from the cleveland area.

    Post # 13
    2641 posts
    Sugar bee

    Can we back a bit to what FLAMY said?  If it is important to him that those 50 additional people be there, another larger venue may be something to consider.

    I was thinking the same thing.  I read your post twice, and couldn’t get an idea of how your FI felt about the size of the guest list.   I think that is the first thing.  Granted, if he would like his whole family there, he should be speaking up about it.  He can’t be saying to you, "I’m sorry it’s what my dad wants."  Then turn around and tell his dad, "I’m sorry it’s what Macintosh wants."  Not helpful. 

    So where does he stand on the guest list???

    Also, coming from a large family, it’s not so easy to just not invite them to a wedding.  In my family, every sibling, cousin etc, invited the whole family.  So if one decided to just have a small wedding, it would have been scandalous, (maybe not quite, but you get it.)

    Post # 14
    5273 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2009

    You sound like me, my FFIL is way more demanding then my own. After I posted my situation on WB I was told that since they are paying, you can’t tell them where to spend their money, this sucks, but I can see their points. So FFIL is thinking, "hey I’m paying, I should get what I want."  Would FFIL still help pay if you decide to go forward with the theater? Because, honey, I’m telling you now, if its a situation of "do this or you get nothing" Don’t take their money!! My FFIL, like yours is very controlling, and it won’t stop at the venue, he will be all up in your busniess about EVERYTHING!

    We nipped it in the bud, FI’s parents were only going to give us a $1000 "gift" is what they called it, but then FI’s dad got upset when I didn’t want to serve BBQ and took the "gift" back and it was a blessing in disguise, b/c he would of been trying to make the calls about everything! If you can swing it w/o FFIL’s controbution, do it! Then he can’t say anything about your wedding decisions b/c hes not paying!  

    Post # 15
    385 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    I agree with AnnieAAA  if you and your mom are going to be able to do it all with the in-laws go that route! It sounds like this venue is important to you, so don’t settle for something else.

     As for the guest list. Have your FI give his dad a limit and let that be that (especially if your FFIL is wanting to invite friends).  AND make sure you’re within earshot of the conversation to your FI has to man-up and be honest (i recommend a phone call).

     My FI and I have had endless discussions about the size of his family, stemming from him not wanting to offend people by having to explain our limit. In the end it came down to having to just invite everyone (190, which is WAY over the 120 that can fit in our venue. it’s going to cost an arm and a leg to pay for the extra space and you better believe his parents are going to have to chip in for it).  It stresses me out everytime I think about it.

    So it’s not worth it. Find the best way to tell people that you’re going to do what you want without permantely damaging relationships. 

    Post # 16
    81 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I’m inviting 250 to a venue that holds 200–youch.  And it’s all because of my FI’s family.

    That being said, you pick your battles.  Our guest list had gotten to 300 people!  My FI sat his father down and explained that they had to cut at least 40 people.  After some wrangling, they agreed.

    So, this needs to be discussed between you and your FI–he should be the one dealing with his own father, but you should know where he stands, too.  Maybe he does kind of want those people there, but still really likes you theater, so is torn.  Just talk to him about it! 

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