My fiance's father introduces me to everyone as my FI's girlfriend

posted 2 years ago in Family
  • poll: Do you get along with your father-in-law/ future father-in-law
    yes : (41 votes)
    77 %
    no : (4 votes)
    8 %
    most of the time : (8 votes)
    15 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    8071 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    Because people are flawed and selfish and are rife with their own baggage. Thats his problem, not yours.  I would just try to lower your expectations of FFIL, not take it personally, and not worry about it (but do chime in ‘fiancee’ 🙂 ) You just keep being polite and kind to FFIL while going about your merry way building your life with your FH.

    Post # 3
    Member
    3769 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 1999

    Some people think you are removable until you are married. I would chalk it up to this and move on. It would be different if you were married and this continued, then I would correct him.

    Post # 4
    Member
    888 posts
    Busy bee

    Did he used to call you fiancee or has he always called you his sons girlfriend? I know when I talk about my FI I nearly always say boyfriend. I don’t know why, I just kinda struggle saying fiance, it sounds such a fancy word to me haha. Or I say partner but i’l specify later on to that person that we are engaged. Just saying this because it could be that your FIL is just like me and genuinely doesnt have a problem with you. 

    Having said that, the rest of your post sounds a little upsetting. Maybe when you moved he started to panic about finances and all tact disappeared. He may not have meant it to come across so mean but in his fluster just kept repeating his worries. It sounds like they should be proud of you and your FI and how he has turned out! Im hoping your FIL has just been in a bit of a fluff lately and sorts himself out. For now I would see how it plays out and go about as normal 🙂

    Post # 5
    Member
    2892 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    Citygirl2343: so a few things. First, why not subtly-not-so subtly flash your ring when your FFIL introduces you as the gf? Or say “oh, and we recently got engaged!” Then you aren’t directly contradicting him.

    Also, with the whole apartment thing, why would you be in a bind if your FI couldn’t afford your apt and had to move back home? Wouldn’t you two move back home together? Or couldn’t you cover things until your FI got into a more stable place?

    and maybe I’m making too many underlying assumptions, so it’s probably worth clarifying — how old are you two? Do you both have jobs with upward mobility? Is your FFIL giving your FI any money or an allowance to help with bills, etc.?

    if your FI is not 100% financially independent, then I can understand why your FFIL doesn’t consider your POV to be pertinent to the conversation, especially when you said that if your FI moved home, that would put you in a bind. Why not say “Oh, we did the math and we found room in our budget, so thanks for the concern.”

    And if you are both young, still in school, and not financially independent, your FFIL may not see you as engaged if he thinks he’s going to have to pay for a wedding / double allowances. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    53 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    My FMIL does the same but i think its because she just doesn’t take us seriously at all.  Once you get engage you’re basically forcing people to take your relationship seriously even if they didn’t before.  My FFIL treated me very casually and compared me to their youngest daughters boyfriend (they’re 16)… it hurt and only got worse when we got engaged because i think it was a shock to them (I don’t understand why they could never see or be happy for how much we are in love).  It started causing a lot of fights between me and my FI because I never wanted to go see his family and I finally decided to suck it up and be the bigger person, they’re not the one I am marrying. My FI also doesn’t have a great relationship with his father/family in general and I’m the one who is now forcing him to be close to them. I had to reallllly lower my expectations for his family and realize they’re never going to welcome me as their daughter (maybe a couple years from now). Some people will never appreciate what you do or how hard you try but just breath and move on, as long as your FI is supportive and realizes how much you are trying then your relationship will be fine… In-Laws suck sometimes, goodluck 

    Post # 7
    Member
    1891 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Keep this man out of your business. I am not sure what his issue is, but he may feel intimdated because he sees a change in his son due to you (even though it is positive). Do not discuss finances. Telling him that you would have a hard time affording the place without FI is way too much info. I would have said “we can afford it just fine” or ignored him altogether. Your FI does not even like his dad as you said, so you probably won’t have to deal with him as much. Distance yourself from him.

    Post # 8
    Member
    185 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - Brussels, Belgium

    My FI still calls me his girlfriend and we’re getting married in less than a month.

    It’s good that you mentioned it to your FI and he said he’d correct his dad, but I dom’t think there’s much you can do. hopefully when you’re maried he gets it straight, but if not someone should just keep correcting him.

    Post # 9
    Member
    3206 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    Citygirl2343:  FI’s mother introduced me as her son’s “little friend” several months ago, to which I immediately corrected “fiance.” Not to mention we dated three years before getting engaged and we’ve been living together for two. But if she needs to call me his “little friend” to get in a jab, that’s fine. Don’t feel you are being rude in correcting him. However, I echo a PP. Don’t take it personally and severely lower your expectations about your FFIL. Whatever his deal is is his deal. 

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  MrsMeowton.
    Post # 10
    Member
    888 posts
    Busy bee

    MrsMeowton:  ‘Little friend’ what even?! Does she think hes 5?! Crazy!

    Post # 11
    Member
    1059 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    Citygirl2343:  Some people just don’t care about the FI title. I know I didn’t. I still refered to myself as a girlfriend while we were engaged. Maybe it’s not a personal attack? Maybe he really just doesn’t think about it?

    Post # 12
    Member
    304 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2015 - Contemporary Art Center of Peoria

    Wow, I’m the only one who voted no? Good for you ladies!

    FI’s father is an alcoholic. I don’t know why, but he is attracted to women that control him. His first wife was like that. FI’s mom is controlling at mentally ill. His past girlfriends were all a little bit off thier rockers, His current long-term gf that he lives with is completely off the wall. 

    FFIL loves me, and I love him- as a human, because he is FI’s dad. He lies, and allows himself to be manipulated by these women– including the current one, who hates his childern. He never follows through with his promises, and I know that has really hurt FI and his sister.

    If anyone introduces me as FI’s gf, *including FI*, I correct them immediately. They say, “This is FI’s girlfriend, Miss Coupon.” and I just smile, shake thier hand and say “Fiancee.” I don’t think it’s rude at all. I was the gf for 3.5 years! Sometimes I still call FI my bf. 

    FI called me his “lady friend” for probably the first year; I hated it. He made it sound like I was his hooker. Lol.

    But it does kind of sound like he’s doing it intentionally- I would be even quicker to correct him. He’s trying to push your buttons, don’t let him. Just be cordial. 🙂 

    Post # 13
    Member
    6279 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    i would speak to him privately.  my mom used weird names too and i called her out on it. and she got along with him from the getgo.

      i said he is my boyfriend, refer to him my boyfriend.  now he’s my fiance, refer to him as my fiance.   she didn’t have an issue calling him my husband.

    Post # 14
    Member
    6900 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    If your FI has only recently gotten his life back on track and is still in school, my guess is that it has relatively little to do with you, and that his father thinks he is not yet very financially independent or ready for marriage. I think he’s hinting that the engagement was premature or that it should be a long one. 

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