(Closed) My fiance's heart is broken, and I don't know how to help.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Nellop:  Hugs to you AND your FI!  You’ve got a truly strong and amazing man there.  The only advice I can give you is to listen.  Be there when he needs you, give him opportunitities to open up to you.  I’m sure other posters will be able to tell you more, but that’s where I’d start!  Please keep us posted!

Post # 4
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m sorry for your fiancé 🙁 it would break my heart as well. Many will probably disagree with my suggestion.. But if it were me I would probably send dad a quick email text letter or whatever that says “we understand that this is a complicated and emotional time for everyone, but we would love nothing more than to have you at our special day. There will be a seat waiting for you if you change your mind.” And leave it at that. Maybe hes just overwhelmed by the thought of facing everyone who knows his history and will show up after all. 

Post # 5
Member
3121 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@pink0815:  That’s not a bad idea.  Do you think she should clear it with FI first?  I think I would…

Post # 7
Member
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Quite honestly it sounds like the dad hasnt changed much, he gives his son hope that things have changed and then pulls the rug out from him. He cant hit him anymore but he can still emotionally abuse him and thats exactly what he just did by saying he isnt coming.

I agree with FI. Do not pander to him.

Post # 8
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Nellop:  Good for you and your FI for deciding not to beg for him to come after he let you down.  I’m so sorry your FI has gone through this; I can’t imagine the kind of person who would abuse his children like that.  I also had some family drama (suffered emotional abuse but never physical) with my dad around my wedding, and I think the high-stress, emotional rollercoaster involved in wedding planning can trigger old feelings that your FI buried years ago. 

I think you guys are doing the right thing by letting it go. If I were you or your FI, I wouldn’t want his abusive dad sitting at the head table even if he does decide to come (but it’s up to your FI if his dad decides he wants to be there, if you two even want to let him come or if it’ll be too painful for FI to see him).  Weddings are a joyous occasion and are about bringing two people who love eachother, and their families, together, and I hope that your FI realizes that one obviously psychologically disabled man will not make or break your wedding.

Post # 9
Member
805 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Mars62312:  +1

@TexasSpringBride:  +1

It does not sound like his father has really changed, sadly. I wouldn’t bother trying to contact him. Just be there for your FI.

Post # 10
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

that sounds so awful. Your poor FI. so many people had kids who are never going to be good parents. Just because he is his biological father does not mean your FI needs to accept ongoing emotional abuse. I don’t know if this will be helpful at but this situation reminded me of a Dear Sugar collumn. She gives great advice and shares her own sad story. http://therumpus.net/2010/11/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-55-the-empty-bowl/

Post # 11
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

While my husband’s childhood was nothing like the childhood that your FI endured, he has a torrid past and many hurt feelings towards his parents because of how they were neglectful and emotionally abusive towards him. 

It really is the hardest thing to see when your SO is in pain and there is nothing you can do about it. I do hold resentment towards my inlwas because of the things that they did to him, but on the other hand as much as my husband says he doesn’t care, he wants love from them SO bad. 

The best advice I have for you is to always listen, and try hard not to get angry or say mean things about his father, because this will just hurt him further. Also, about the wedding, let it be his decision 100%. Do offer suggestions, but ultimately if he says that he doesn’t want his father there, then listen and respect his wishes.

My husband tells me all the time that he is so glad he found someone like me that is very affectinate and who tells and shows him how much I love him every day because he never got this from his parents; so continue what you are doing with your FI, because for a man who had a negative emotional childhood, your support and love is vital. 

Post # 12
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. It may be for the best that he doesn’t attend. 🙁

Post # 13
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Also that kind of abuse requires an incredibly twisted and sadistic mind. I imagine it would be incredibly difficult but I do hope your FI protects himself, you and your future children (if you choose to have any) from his father’s abuse.

Post # 14
Member
5663 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would say do not do in any terms whatsoever contact his dad on your own. Let your fiance deal with it unless he specifically asks you to do so. 

I am so sad for your fiance for what he’s gone through. His dad is a horrible horrible man and he probably wll never change. i am sure your fiance is disappointed beyond what he can even understand that his dad has failed him yet again when he put so much trust and forgiveness in him. I think the best thing you can do is to just be there. Hold him like you did, let him know you are there to talk if he wants and that you love him, and remind him that he is worthy of so much more and he doesn’t deserve to be treated that way.

If he hasn’t had counseling, he definitely should. No matter how he feels on a good day, you can’t get over that stuff on your own, you can only bury it.

Post # 15
Member
5109 posts
Bee Keeper

Quite honestly in my opinion, even if your fiance has forgiven his dad (which is amazing), his dad has now lost his right to see his son get married. He does not deserve such honor and you both will be better off without him there. I hope your fiance can see that. If I were him, I would turn the tables and insist that he ISN’T there. I am so sorry for you both.

Post # 16
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Maybe this is an odd question, but how do his mother and brother feel having him there, especially his mother since she would have been sitting so close? Have they reached a similar place of forgiveness? If they haven’t, maybe it’s for the better that he won’t be there. 

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