(Closed) My FIL are more supportive and loving than my own family

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’m so so sorry!! I completely understand where you are coming from – my family is horrible!  My sister has outright refused to have anything to do with my wedding.  She won’t be a part of it in anyway.  In fact she’s only coming to the ceremony because her cat needs special medication so she can’t be away from it overnight.  That’s right – my own flesh and blood sister is missing a very special milestone in my life because of her CAT.

My mom is no help in the matter. She just says my sister is selfish, and although I may be hurting my mom refuses to “get involved” and is just staying out of the issue. Then she wonders why I don’t have a bigger part for her to play in our wedding?

Post # 6
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

OP, I know how you feel. I grew up in a very dysfunctional, abuse-riddled family. We lived in poverty for most of my childhood. My family is very crass and uneducated. It was nothing for me to hear racial slurs at Thanksgiving. When I met my FILs it really made me realize how jacked up my own family was. I remember my first Christmas with them. They made me feel so welcome. I got a stocking for the first time in 20 years. They are such open, loving, and gracious people. I honestly love them and prefer to spend time with them over my own family. Its just so damn stable! I sobbed all the way home because I was so moved by their generosity.

Planning a wedding made it painfully obvious that I did not have close relationships with my parents or much extended family. Figuring out who is walking me down the aisle is a nightmare, worrying about my family being dumbasses at the wedding, laying on the guilt trip when my mother isnt actively involved in planning. Its horrendous. I’m seriously scaling back my guest list from 150-25 just so I dont have to deal with it. Its sad, but I’m not really enjoying wedding planning AT ALL.

For me, moving a decent distance was a great help. Once I realized that I was ultimately responsible for the amount of chaos I allowed into my life, I made changes. I stopped being a doormat and I started living for myself. It’s obvious you are so grateful for your new family. They really do sound like a blessing. Don’t stress yourself out too much trying to figure out how your family got to the point it has. Toxic parents can lay a guilt trip like no other! Ugh. I might have hijacked your thread a bit to rant. Sorry.

Enjoy your in laws and learn to let them spoil you. I know its hard but you deserve it. Break the cycle!!!

 

You can always pm me if you need to someone to commiserate with 🙂

 

Post # 8
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I understand the guilt thing fully. No one person can be responsible for the emotional heallth of an entire family. IMO, it was very selfish of your sister to put that on your shoulders. There are years and years of jacked up family dynamics that have been going on since before you were born. Its not your fault, and its not your responsibility to fix it. From what I’ve read it really seems like you did try, and continue to try to be supportive and maintain some semblance of a normal family. At some point you just have to realize you did everything you could, count your losses, and move on.

Have you guys considered family counseling? Also I would recommend the following book. It really helped me understand my parents and the effect they had on me growing up: Idk if I’m doing the link thing right…

http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1356100045&sr=8-1&keywords=toxic+parents+overcoming+their+hurtful+legacy+and+reclaiming+your+life

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