My first (and hopefully last) vent post

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

then your mother should call and say ‘i’m sorry if there was a miscommunication, the bbq on friday is for our family, we’d love to see you and your guests at the shower’

put the ball back in her court. she can confirm her decline, or she can come – either way she won’t be able to force your mother to feed and entertain her out of town guests when your mother already has her own to worry about

Post # 3
7282 posts
Busy Beekeeper

How do you know that they don’t already have plans in place for your shower day with the out of town guests and that is why they cannot attend? I think you are being extremely petty and to me sounds like you are just pissed off that you are not getting a gift from her. 

Maybe she thought, since your mother was the one that mentioned it, that it was an invitation to the BBQ. I mean it is pretty rude to talk about a party that someone isn’t invitated to.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  j_jaye.
Post # 4
588 posts
Busy bee

Honestly, I might have assumed it was an invite to the BBQ too. You clearly really wanted her to be at the shower – such that you offered to invite her other guests – but she had plans she couldn’t get out of. Maybe she thought this was an opportunity to celebrate with you?

If someone said to me, “Oh, we’re having a BBQ the Friday before MrsTickledPink‘s shower.” I honestly might think the polite thing to do would be to ask, “Oh, what time? You won’t mind all of my ‘out of town guests’ coming?” 

Post # 5
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Some ppl don’t see the point in bridal showers since they’re already giving a gift at the wedding. It’s completely fine for someone to make up a polite excuse for not attending the shower (instead of saying they think bridal showers are gift grabby and boring), but to still be open to events the same weekend where gifts are not required. Help your mom calm down over this. It isn’t a big deal. It isn’t your wedding. And I agree with PPs that if your mom didn’t want to invite the woman to the BBQ, she shouldn’t have mentioned it to her. And helping someone with their wedding usually isn’t tit for tat. Help someone if you want to, not because you’re expecting them to help you for yours. 

(For the record, I’m ambivalent on bridal showers. I’ve gone to most of the ones I’ve been invited to and gave a gift. My moh is throwing me one because she wants to.)

Post # 6
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Shkragoldfish:  I agree 100%. Personally, I wouldn’t be thrilled about going to a bridal shower, but a laid-back bbq is right up my alley.

MrsTickledPink:  Your mom shouldn’t have mentioned the bbq if she wasn’t invited. It wasn’t far fetched of this person to assume the out of town guest could come since you offered that option for the shower the next day. 

Post # 7
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

When she asked what time she should show up with her guests, did she ask what she could bring food wise? Or does she expect you parents to pay for more food and drinks for her and her guests to consume?  People are so quick to say its rude to expect gifts but its just as rude to go to someone’s party and expect to be fed and entertained when you come empty handed.  And just because your mother said in conversation that she’s having a bbq does not mean that everyone who hears about it is invited. 

Post # 8
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

MOHlookingForIdeas:  That’s how I felt, too. It was a vague situation.


Not everyone is going to come to the shower; it’s not worth your emotional energy to judge whether their excuses are adequate or not. Say you’ll miss them, then let it go, Frozen-style.

Post # 9
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think that given her polite reason to decline, it was odd for you to then go the next step and extend the invite to her guests without knowing them.  Why would they want to come to your bridal shower? A shower and a casual bbq are completely different kinds of events.  I would never in one billion years want to attend a bridal shower for someone I don’t even know.  

Perhaps you’re reading too much into it, perhaps not.  Either way, the solution is 1) let it go and move on with the friendship; 2) have your mother discuss the issue with her friend and sort it out.

p.s. why does the nature of the trip for the daughter matter? Again, it seems like you feel justified to have a bee in your bonnet when I really don’t think any of this needs to be a big deal or cause emotional angst.

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