(Closed) My First Experience as a FDIL (oops, longer than I thought!)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4466 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Ooooh, I remember this “moment” quite clearly!

My FIL’s never really liked me.  They thought I was too wild, that I forced my FI to move to NYC, that I was changing him, etc.  I was not the Suzy Homemaker like the other wives they knew.  They didn’t understand my career ambitions and wondered why I would need them when I would be a SAHM in a few short years (I’m not planning on it)  They didn’t take me seriously, and seemed to think that FI was hanging out with me until he found a nice country girl from “back home” to settle down with.

Over the years, I expressed frustration and sadness at what FIL’s thought of me.  My mom married into this kind of situation and I didn’t want to live my life with IL’s the way she did.

Finally, after we got engaged, FI went “home” for a long weekend.  After that weekend, a lot changed between me and FIL’s.  FI explained that he sat down with them and said “Hotchildinthecity is going to be my wife and the mother of my children.  You need to accept that this is permanent and start being nicer to her. “

I felt very empowered ;o)  I have much better relationship with my FIL’s now.  I think they just needed to hear it from him.  

Post # 4
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@birdofafeather…good for you!  I admire strong, assertive women!  I have issues being assertive, so nice work!

 

@hotchildinthecity…I know what you mean when you say you want to avoid the kind of situation your mother married into.  My mom married into a family that had constant, shallow get togethers, and sometimes I worry I’m doing the same thing!

I think the first time I felt like we were on our way to being a family was when FMIL was insisting that we use her neice as a photog, but fiance and I had already found someone else who was half the price and had a photojournalistic style.  (PS, Fiance talked to his cousin himself, and she said she was tired of photographing family affairs and really wanted to come as a guest for once, so she was in no way offended that we chose a different photog).  FMIL kept trying to get us to book with her niece, but finally fiance put his foot down and said “this is who we like and she fits in our budget, so we’re going with this photog,” and that was the end of it.

I love that he supports me like that, if he didn’t this wedding planning thing would just be one big snit-fit with his mom (who is super sweet put really pushy).

Post # 5
Member
3979 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Ugh! Good for you… I haven’t had this moment yet. I’m still at the bite my tongue stage.

I really, really am not looking forward to a moment like this. I’m 3000 miles from his parents, but next year, when I’m less than 15 minutes from them, I can see my MIL and I duking it out.

Post # 6
Member
4466 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@StacyMarie: My paternal grandparents couldn’t stand my mom.  They were always so petty and mean to her and I watched it the entire time I grew up.  She was always arguing with my dad about it, and always afraid to put her foot down.  No way I was living like that for the next however many years.

Post # 7
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Good for you, Birdofafeather! It can be soo hard to stick up to anyone for us “pleasers”, but especially the FMIL! *high five*

 

 

Post # 8
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

My inlaws are WONDERFUL. Now, that being said.. haha

My MIL is always full of opinions, that is just how she is with everyone in her life and I love her for it.  I personally have not had any actual fights with her (yet).

The only time I can really think I put my foot down was on the name of our child. She really wanted us to give the baby my FI’s middle name A****, because that is what she did. I don’t like FI’s middle name. It would not work for me. It upset her that we didn’t want to use A**** because it is also the name of her brother who has passed on.

So we decided on our own name, K*** and we would put the baby’s middle name as A****. One night we were over there and she said with all her attitude that I love her for “what is so special about K*** anyway?”

and my response was “nothing yet. but in a few months, it will be VERY special”

and sure enough.. now it’s one of the most special names in her entire life.

(my fi is an only child, so you can imagine how special K*** is to her 🙂

 

Post # 9
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

We have a lot of space between both of our famililes right now and we both have excellent relationships whith each others’ parents. I think the space may be helpful, but it also means visits usually entail a week or more of “living” with either of our families and happen anly about 2-3 times per year. It also means they all know we can survive on our own, together.

Post # 10
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Bridofafeather.  Good job for being firm but calm with FMIL.  Right now is when we have to set boundaries with our in laws and let them know we are starting our own families.   My FMIL is one who likes to speak her opinion a lot, but when I don’t agree she gets her feelings hurt.  I am one who likes to speak my opinion a lot but don’t get my feelings hurt.  So I end up being the bad guy a lot.  I am learning to be a more gracious person through all this.  We are going to see our FILs this weekend, so I am hoping it goes well.

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