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Ugh, this aunt of yours is being a pill. First of all, she's being selfish. Second, I doubt your cousin Danny is even aware of your wedding yet, much less wouldn't care whether he got to bring a guest or not!
This purely sounds like female drama!! I think the first two paragraphs of your response are excellent but I would drop the third. Don't stoop to her level and get catty. Hold your ground and don't cave, but take the high road. And you'll be getting a response card eventually from her, so you will see who many of the 7 seats they will actually be using in the end.
I can TOTALLY understand why you are upset and why you cried but try not to dwell. There are planty of other "fun" details to focus on and give your attention to so you don't have to focus on the negative. She's not worth bringing you down!!!!
Hi,
since you asked for feedback, imo this is not the right time to truly show how you feel. miss manners would say something more like this
I'm sorry you're disappointed in the decisions E & I have made for our wedding; deciding upon a final guest list was a difficult and trying process. We will be happy to see as many of the seven of you as choose to come.
Best
this will be a good opportunity for you to practice a serene, if completely false, smile which will serve you well all through life. weddings can start feuds that do not end for generations. you can rise above her level. good luck!
OMG! So sorry you have to deal with this. It seems so crazy that people can not respect your very reasonable decision. I think that your response is good. Its to the point. You left no room for argument. You made your decision and thats that. Good for you. Its amazing that people don't get it. Its not her dime that will be paying for this "date" its yours. Its really to bad that she's making YOUR day more stressful. I haven't sent out invites yet and I'm nervous about it. I wish that EVERYBODY could be there, and I know I'm going to hurt a lot of feelings by not inviting some. EEK! BUT, you can only do so much. People don't understand how much money it cost and things that are sacrificed just to have a few more people there. Good luck, and whatever comes of this you will still be walking down the aisle to the man you love! That in itself is enough! =)
You guys are right. The last paragraph I added this morning when I woke up STILL just as annoyed. I talked with my mom, and we're both 10000000% sure she's going to create a scene now at the wedding (she's done similar things at holiday parties when things didn't go her way - stereotypical "baby of the family" attitude) which is why, if I could, I'd just tell her not to come.
I guess if I've made it all the way to 2-months out without a any major drama, I should be able to just suck it up, smile and move on. I'm sticking her at a table either near the stinky bathroom or the rowdy heavy-drinkers!!!!
Well, as frustrating as it may be, I would not send that text- it's way to harsh and will only ramp up the drama, rather than make it go away (which is what you want.) Plus, I really don't think the "happiest time" thing was her saying she wasn't happy about your wedding, but that she was sorry it was causing you stress. I would say something like
"I'm truly very sorry that we can't accommodate a date for him. We wish we could have given everyone a plus one, but there simply isn't space in the room. We've met both J and [S's boyfriend- use his name], and invited them because of this. Our invitations went out before we knew S and [S's boyfriend] broke up. Our decision not to offer people dates was not based on how adult or not adult we felt they were, but based on the fact that we simply do not have the space. None of our single friends or family were given dates no matter what their age. Brad and J have a child together, and so their situation is more like that of a married couple than a single person wishing to bring a date. There were even some family members who we were not able to invite at all. Again, I'm very sorry it has to be this way, but we are already at full capacity for our venue and we simply cannot add anyone to our list."
Saying this will make it less personal. Telling her not to judge or criticize, or that her email was inappropriate (while true) will only make the situation worse. Just make it about space. If you make it about money, she may offer to pay, which will just make the whole thing more awkward. I would say send her one last message, and then if she asks again in the future, just say "I'm sorry, I've explained my reasons, and we still cannot accommodate a date." and leave it at that. Good luck, and sorry you're dealing with this...
Maybe saying judge and criticize is too strong? I mean, I COMPLETELY agree with you, but maybe consider running this by your FI and parents (or whoever the aunt is directly related to)? I know I tend to get angry fast and I've mastered biting responses which I sometimes end up regretting. Also, it's always best to give it a day or so before you respond so you have a clear mind and you've had time to think over what you're going to say.
I wouldn't apologize for anything. You haven't done anything wrong. She is trying to guilt you into getting what she wants. I might just respond with something like, "Thank you for understanding how difficult this is. I look forward to receiving your RSVP."
She knows she is being difficult, and even if she doesn't, it is her problem, not yours. If you make this exception, how many others will you have to make? It is a slippery slope I don't think you want to start down.
Be strong, hold your ground, and take the high road! Good luck.
Wow, she is being manipulative and pushy. I think you should take the high road and write back.
I am sorry to disapppoint you and Danny. Thank you for respecting our decision.
Love, Your Name
I really wouldn't engage the conversation any further or make any further justifications. You have a solid system that you are holding everyone to and had to make sacrifices as well. Stick to your decision and don't allow her to disrespect you any further.
EDIT: @Ms.Moonlight's wording is really good, too!
I agree with greenleafmountain's approach. Instead of going down to her level I would just explain the reasons why you had your decision. I think if you send your original email it will only fuel the fire, which is going to make you more upset. I understand how upset you are, but try to be the better person because in the end you freaking out on her is only going to make yourself upset as well.
I like the short and sweet approach. The more you try to justify your point of view, the more she will try to justify hers. You already know shes upset and she knows your side of it and she has agreed. Leave it at that and seat her by the stinky bathroom.
I agree with the short and sweet approach. "Thank you for understanding the limitations of a guest guest list. It was very difficult but we managed to come up with what was best for us. Looking forward to celebrating with you!"
I think everyone has offered great advice so far...I just wanted to chime in and say HUGS - wedding planning can be really hard but always remind yourself that it WILL be wonderful and you WILL be married to your love the next day and all the days after that! Thinking of that is what gets me through the stuff like this!
What a mean and manipulative thing to do and to say! Don't worry, she sounds like the kind of person who's her own reward. :) I think she is expecting a rise out of you, so don't give it to her - the short and sweet approach is simultaneously the most classy for you and the most irritating for her! This e-mail should not be longer than a two-liner (the examples by other posters above are great), and the discussion should be considered closed. Good luck!
Argh, that is what I like to call sister drama through and through. I bet your cousin barely cares if he gets a date since he's single, but my mom and her sisters have little power struggles like this all the time. I feel your pain, although my family is not quite as big as yours it's very close, and it's so stressful! Your aunt is clearly manipulating you (well, trying) and I would respond with the first two paragraphs of your response, and just leave out the last.
You put a lot of time and thought into this, it's not like you just assumed that he didn't deserve a plus one. Don't let her guilt you into thinking otherwise.
With things like this, I tend to write a response that assumes that the person has already calmed down and will be happy to agree with your (non-negotiable) decision. This usually flies right over the drama.
Chapelhill (#3 in this thread) gave the best response.
I would bet that some of this started with your initial email to her, which is sweet and nice but also offers lots of reasons. ANY reason you offer someone gives them a chance to rebut you, and your aunt definitely took her chance.
I find that a simle but polite "No, I'm sorry" (repeat as necessary) works very well. In person, blank stares or sweet smiles or other non-responses are also very effective. She might still be mad, but she won't bring that fight to your doorstep.
I'm so sorry about this! The guest list was by far the most stressful part of our planning. I had a guest push back regarding +1 too (a former co-worker who wanted to bring her SIL as her date) and I couldn't believe it. It's still so shocking to me when a bride says "no" and the guest still argues. I think you're getting good advice here, but I just wanted to say I sympathize!
i definitely do not envy your situation, and I have a feeling that things like this will happen to us....I'm starting to get little hints here and there.
I do agree with @chapelhillfiddler with her response though. I understand that you are livid and want to give her a piece of your mind (every last piece! as I would!), but I like chapel's response. It's clear and to the point and it's final without giving your aunt the sense of satisfaction that she's ruffled you and won.
Thank you for posting this, b/c I have a feeling I'm going to need it in a few months!
What nerve to write you something like that! If it were me, I would talk to Dan and let him know the deal. He may not be at all offended that he can't bring a guest (since he may not even be coming anyway!!!!). Then, assuming he's okay with it, reply to your aunt. I would write something like:
I have spoken to Danny and explained the difficult time that E and I have had with the guest list. He understands and completely respects that our guest list cannot accomodate any more. We look forward to seeing you all at the wedding.
I mean, if Danny is "an adult,"as she said, why is SHE contacting you about it anyway?
Sorry you have to deal with that. It sucks. You are right to be upset.
Excellent response, Oyster! I like the sweet smiles the best. Who can argue you with you when you're being kind AND firm at the same time???
Guest lists are awful. My mother has a list of 40 friends. The only thing for me is the kid issue.
We didn't want kids there, however we have two cousins on my dad's side that want to bring their kids. If I allow that I have to allow the cousins on my mom's side to bring kids and my cousin's daughters are a nightmare!!!
No matter where you draw the line, someone's feelings are hurt. I wish we could invite everyone, but it's not really possible.
You guys have all been super helpful - I love WB! Now that I've calmed down a bit, I'm ready to take your suggestions , thanks!!
Ugh, how annoying and selfish people can be sometimes. It is your wedding and the guest list, IS one of the hardest things to handle! She was once married(I assume) she should know how difficult a process it was... Either way, as awul and selfish as she is being, she is an Aunt, and it will likely ending up causing a feud and hurting other innocent family members if you two get into a quarrel. Plus, why get yourself worked up, or stressed about her noonsense. It is your wedding, and it's about you, not her son. I would like to say exactly what you said, but I agree with whoever, sensibly said, be overly nice.. It will be hard for you, but it will actually probably bother her More than if you say something "snappy". Get her with kindness... "We are sorry that you are disappointed, but we thank you for respecting our decision. Looking forward to seeing you at the wedding!"(Don't even address it) And what, can she say to that? Not much. Just end the disagreement, don't give into a debate about it and she will be forced to keep her opinion about it to her self, or probably...to her poor husband. Good luck!
As infuriating as her reply is, you just have to play it cool. She is obviously looking to start a fight. Why else would she mention something 15 years in the past. My advice would be to stay calm, be as kind to her as possible without giving into her, and just move on. She is being really lame, but in the interest of keeping the peace, I wouldn't say anything sarcastic or mean to her. Kill her with kindness, it's the best way to make her feel like the fool she's being. It's always better to be the bigger person, even if it does suck to have to hold back.
Yeah, that sounds infuriating!!! I don't blame you one bit. I think you should send ChapelHillFiddler's reply -- or maybe nothing. When you look at it, she technically didn't ask you a question, just complained some more...
How irritating.
I would just wait til I was feeling calmer, then I would reach out to your cousin Danny! If he's single and loving it, he'll be cool with it, anyway. Then you can tell your aunt that Danny is fine with things and that there are plenty of nice girls he may meet at the wedding. If Danny doesn't even want to bring a date, her whole point is moot. Drama squashed.
I think I'd say something like post #9 except I don't think I'd apologize. How about "It's unfortunate you are disappointed Thanks for respecting our wishes"
Name
Don't get pulled into her game; I think the less said the better. So sorry you have to deal with this.
Well here's alittle UPDATE:
Attempting to take the high road, I responded:
We have no doubt it will be one of the happiness times in our lives! Just let me know how many of the 7 seats you’ll require. Thanks for understanding - see you in July
And then her response:
My son is disappointed, and I am too.
I'm getting the distinct impression she's just trying to pick a fight. After this latest development, FI wants to uninvite her, too. For many reasons I can't do that of course, but the whole situation is just so frustrating. I want to scream at her, tell her she's wrong, she's rude, she sucks as a person - and I can't do any of those things. Instead I have to smile and pay for all 7 of them (the largest party we invited - it's an entire table!), hug them and thank them all for coming. Because we truly ARE so tight on space, we have to break down a few tables after dinner to make room for the dance portion of the party. She is SO TOTALLY getting sat at one of those tables!! I'm also making sure the caterer knows to make their table go LAST through the buffet. Maybe I'll even have our groomsmen all go back for seconds before - don't f*ck with the bride!
She's totally being a disrespectful bitch. Don't reply to any more of her e-mails. She isn't entitled to any more invites.
LOL @ don't f*ck with the bride!!! I think you did the right thing. I would understand if her son was in a serious relationship or had a child with someone, but to bring a date just to bring one? That's crazy and she's crazy and rude for even asking.
Isn't family fun? You definitely did the right thing! Good job sticking to your guns. It's hard, bu in the end it'll be that much better off.
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Our invitations went out, so of course I anticipated a few hiccups and some static; I can honestly say though I'm surprised by how upset I've gotten. I have the response I should probably make and the one I WANT to make. Please let me know what you think.
I have a large family (my parents each have 5 siblings who each had 5+ kids most of which are married...it's big). We've opted NOT to invite many friends outside our bridal party so we can fit my cousins. We had to cut all 2nd cousins (some very close) as well to accomodate the 167 ppl we've invited. Already, 75% of the guest list is MY side of the family.
My mom's youngest sister sent me a 4 page text msg Friday morning asking if she could add an 8th person to her party (she has 5 boys plus her & my uncle - they're already the ONLY ones I invited with children on my side f the family because as I said I have SO many cousins) so her oldest, my 20 yr ld cousin could bring a "date". Note she did NOT say girlfriend but date. She also said since he's staying on campus this summer (an hr away though he has a car) he may not bother to come back to town.
I emailed her this:
Our guest list has been the most stressful aspect of wedding planning. We’ve had to juggle space and budget constraints while still finding a way to include the friends & family we’d like to have celebrate with us. Unfortunately we’ve had to make some difficult decisions, and while I want Danny (I’m not sure I can get used to calling him DAN yet!!) to come and have a good time, I’m afraid having him bring a date would be unfair to our other guests that were not invited with dates and our friends & family that we were unable to invite at all due to space limitations. Considering our guest list is 75% my side of the family, I can assure you Danny will know pretty much everyone there – plus Eric has 2 cute SINGLE college-age female cousins, so you never know…:)
Look forward to see you guys this summer, and have a good weekend!
Her reply:
I do understand limitations with a wedding list, I remember your mom and Aunt Debbie had some words exchanged over the list for Aunt Debbie's girls weddings. I can honestly say I am disappointed by your e-mail.
Keep in mind that Dan will be 21, actually involved in a relationship, too.I know that Aunt D said Brad is invited with J, and S is invited to bring a guest, And they are close to his age or J is younger. Is S involved in a relationship any more? I am never one to cause trouble, but it seemed odd that the cutoff would be this way. After all Dan is not a teenager, but an adult.
He might decide to stay in Ohio, anyway. Although he knows the cousins, it is not as if they are all very close.
Yes, planning and financially planning for a wedding can be very stressful, and cause alot of friction. It's is really too bad it has to be that way. It should be the happiest time of your life. And as a result, the happiest time in a family's life.~Smf
I'm so upset I could scream (and cry, which I did). We drew the line for +1s at people we KNEW were in relationships and had met. The "younger" cousin she mentions is 3 WEEKS younger, and yes I invited her boyfriend because they've been together for 2 yrs, I've met him at all the holidays AND THEY JUST HAD A BABY TOGETHER LAST MONTH. The other is 25 and been with her boyfriend for almost 2 yrs, again FI and I (and even FI's parents) have met him. After invites went out I discovered they recently broke up. I live 2 states away, I'm not typically on the forefront of everyone's relationship news. Had my aunt continued her detective work, she'd have discovered there are FIVE other cousins (3 on my side, 2 on FI's) all 19-21 that were NOT invited with dates - including my own SISTER who's 1 month younger than her son.
The convo she (inappropriately) mentioned between another aunt & my mom happened FIFTEEN YEARS ago and was over my aunt not inviting MY BROTHER (who was 13 at the time), not about a +1 so it's not even apples to apples!
Lastly, cousin-in-question DOES NOT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. I checked. He's as single as they come and loving it. Also, he turns 21 on July 8, my wedding is July 3. He'll still be 20, not 21 as she repeatedly states for emphasis.
I WANT to reply with all these points listed. I HATE that I feel like I need to explain or justify our choices. The entire tone or her email but especially the end make me LIVID. Considering she's has TWICE mentioned Danny might not even come, I don't understand why she would make such a big deal over whether he can bring a date. It's not MY problem if he no longer feels close to his cousins. We grew up seeing each other at least once a week, took ALL vacations together (2-3 per yr) and spent every single holiday together. He'll also have his FOUR other brothers to hang out with.
Below is what I'm thinking of responding with, let me know if you think it's OK or if I still need to tone it down. If it were really an option, I would ABSOLUTELY uninvite her.
I'm sorry you're disappointed in the decisions E & I have made for our wedding, and I'm sorry you felt compelled (and entitled) to judge and criticize them.
Again, deciding upon a final guest list was a difficult and trying process, and I firmly stand behind the choices we've made. I'm not asking you to agree with them, I'm merely asking that you respect them.
As your email implies you don't feel my wedding will be happy time, please let me know how many of the 7 allocated seats you will require.