Post # 1
my FIs grandpa died the day before thanksgiving which some of you may remember my grandpa died less than a month ago and my FI was also very close to him. He just called me and said he made it to South Dakota (where his family lives)
when I asked him if he wanted me to come with him he said it was okay that I could stay here.
It’s such a hard thing to watch someone you love go through this. And my poor FMIL has lost both her parents and a brother in the last 5 years.
Does anyone else feel “wrong” when you’re separated from your SO when they’re going through things like this?…he was there for me every step of the way during my grandfathers passing but it seems as though he wanted to go at this alone.
Any suggestions on how to help while also giving him his space?
Post # 3
@Laurenskii: sorry my response is so long….I’m sorry for both you and your FI. You are in a tough position. My FI’s sister was killed in a freak accident 2 years ago and my mom died 3 months ago. when my mom passed, I wanted FI with me. That is what comforted me and gave me strength. When FIs sister was killed, he wanted to go it alone. He felt that if I were there he’d be too busy worrying I was ok to focus on his family and his grief. He also pulled into himself for a few weeks. I always tried to remember that I needed to support him how he needed to be supported and not how I would want to be supported because they are very different. I had to respect his need for time alone. There were days he wouldn’t even want to talk or text. It was very difficult for me to say the least so I know you may have a few difficult weeks ahead of you. Come right out and ask him how he wants you to be there for him. Let him know you are there if he wants to talk about how he feels but don’t pressure him. I’ve seen your posts on here and I think you will be able to quickly judge how he is feeling and what he needs, respond to that. I opted to text FI rather than call as it was easier for him to respond by text or call when it made sense for him, when he wasn’t with family and couldn’t talk. I aLso made it ok for him to respond with “I’m ok but don’t feel like talking”. Let him know it’s ok to not want to talk but it is not ok to leave you wondering and worrying how he is. When he is ready, he will reach out to you for comfort and support. Going through this is so difficult but can really strengthen your relationship. FI learned about me that I can put him first and selflessly give him what he needs and I learned that I can be selfless. I also learned that FI will selflessly give me what I need and we learned very open and direct communication under very stressful circumstances.
Post # 4
@KatB442: no apologies for long responses! I think your advice is great! Thank you for putting the thought into it. I will ask him in the morning he already went to bed.
Post # 5
@Laurenskii: supporting someone going through a loss is jyst as stressful as going through a loss, IMHO From my experience. Be gentle with yourself as well.