Post # 1
Hello ladies – I really don’t post but love to read these boards often to either get ideas or know I am not the only one being driven completely crazy during the wedding process! But tonight I think I hit the breaking point and really just needed to vent. I think I am pretty lucky as far as FMIL’s go and we have gotten along fairly well in the almost 5 years FI and I have been together. However, she had been acting really strange lately and tonight she totally crossed the line. My FIL’s have offered (more like insisted) on paying for our flowers. I know as soon as you accept money from anyone for the wedding then you give up some of the control – which I am okay with. She picked the florist, the date, the time to meet, etc and I when she called to tell me about the appt. she set up, I asked her if I could please bring my mom along. I think it was kind of ridiculous that I had to ask permission, but nevertheless, she said sure. Then she called and said that they wanted to take us out to dinner to "celebrate" getting the flowers afterwards. (dinner is always nice but I don’t really get what we are celebrating) Anyway, I forgot to mention it to my mom and tonight when I told her about it she said she couldn’t make it to dinner afterwards. My FI called and asked if we could do the dinner another night (since we were going to pick up my mom so she wouldn’t have to drive) and FMIL LOST IT. She screamed on the phone that we were ridiculous and that my mother was a b*tch who always had to get her way. WTF! Obviously there are issues here she has never mentioned before and I have no idea how I am going to act normal with her tomorrow. But I guess my main question would be…is it unreasonable to invite my mother along to something that they are paying for? Should that even matter? Thanks so much for letting me get this off my chest!
Post # 3
OMG, I’m so sorry about what happened. Did she actually call your mom names? OMG!
I think it is completely REASONABLE that you want to involve your mom in YOUR wedding planning…even if she insisted paying for it. This "wedding" or the marriage is not only you two coming together, but the families coming together. It is UNreasonable for her to think anything otherwise!
On that note, is it possible that perhaps she does have issues that she has not voiced and have built up over the years? Can you think of any? I’ve had experiences with certain personality types that hold back LITTLE things over the years (and years) and out of no where burst into a crazy behavior or irrational reactions. The relationship has been saved by talking over the issues and almost always, it stems from misunderstanding and/or miscommunication.
It appears you’ve had a good relationship thus far. (And, she will forever be your MIL) Give her a chance. Try your best to be "normal", pick out the flowers, and see how she reacts. She may also be mortified about her own behavior and wondering what to do herself! I say wait it out a bit, and when the moment is right (or ask her for tea) and see if she wants to discuss this event and have a heart-to-heart adult-to-adult.
In-law relationship, for some reason, is never easy. I wish you the best and hope the rest of the planning goes on without a glitch.
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2010 - Carlouel Yacht Club
Awww *hugs* that is no fun.
I don’t think it is unreasonable for your mother to be coming along to the appt; obviously, I would assume that she is helping you with your planning…I know that my mother is helping immensely…it is sensible to have her there to help make everything cohesive, especially because I think she would be aware of the finer details of what you’ve already been planning and could have some good input!
It stinks that IL relationships can sometimes be strained. I’d have my FI talk to her about the situation to see if there was anything deeper lurking there that she just hasn’t ever expressed until this point…and try to smooth it out! Hopefully she will realize that what she said was unreasonable and uncomfortable…eeek
Post # 5
Thank you both so much for your responses. I know that eventually a conversation with my FMIL will make much more sense then obsessing over it on a message board but your responses made me at least feel like I am not insane for wanting my mom involved or breaking some sort of crazy etiquette by asking if she could be there.
My FMIL really did call my mom names and said some other nasty things too…all over a flower celebration dinner! She also said that she didn’t think my mom had a place there since this was her thing. It is not like our parent’s don’t get along – they just don’t have much of a relationship at all. They have only met a handful of times and even though I have never expected them to be great friends I really didn’t see this coming. My FI and I are both very close to our families and sometimes I feel like we spend more time trying to make sure they are all happy than we do worrying about ourselves. It can be exhausting, especially during the whole wedding planning process. There are a few other things that FMIL has done to drive me crazy lately, so I think this just pushed me over the edge! Thanks again for your nice words.
Post # 6
maybe just maybe your FMIL just wanted to do something with you and you alone in this wedding planning thing and bond over it and she was really disappointed to share it with your mum. maybe she thinks your mum plays a part in so many other things that she wanted just one event with you… and then she went completely nutso and off the scale
even if that was her issue, its really unfair of her to do that to you and now you are in this really difficult situation
Post # 7
eloping, I definitely think you are on to something. I have tried to keep her as involved as possible, but there really hasn’t been anything that just the two of us have done. The sad thing is that when I talked to her about my mom coming along, I told her how important it was for me that mom have some fun/good stuff going on (we just lost my grandfather 2 months ago and my crazy alcoholic brother is being…well a crazy alcoholic) so I would have thought that would mean more to her than a desire to have something she can just say was hers. Ugh…it just makes me sad. But like I said – I do believe that at least some of this came from her desire to make this her special thing and not to be outright mean to my mom.
Post # 8
Wow, I’m really sorry about this!! ((HUGS)) It’s amazing how one event can bring out both the best and worst in people. I would hope that, even if she had the intention of it being a thing for just the two of you, she would realize that flowers are kind of a big decision and when you make a big decision in a wedding you are most likely going to want to have your mom with you. Your mom knows you best (out of the two) and could definitely be a support in helping you figure out what you like and don’t like.
I think it was completely reasonable to ask to bring your mom especially if your FMIL never specifically stated that this was something she was hoping would be just the two of you (and it sounds like she didn’t). I love my FMIL but I would still want my mom there if it were me, because everyone has different tastes and I would want to find something we could all compromise on and not have me just give in because FMIL is paying for it.
Even with the best of intentions for the meeting/dinner, it was completely uncalled for her to say the things she did about your mom. She’s not a child and throwing a tantrum is no way to get what she wants. I don’t know, maybe it works with her spouse but she needs to remember who the parent is, that she should be setting an example and that she should act like an adult. I mean, maybe she had a terrible day for some reason that day or like carrie 38707 said she had stuff build up over the years but she really needs to apologize and let you know WHY it happened. You said your FI was the one that called her about changing dinner, what was his reaction to what she said? Does your mom know what was said?
Kudos to you for dealing with all of this. Good luck in getting it all worked out!!
Post # 9
Eek. I agee with carri and eloping. It sounds like something was festering. And while she tried to hold it back, it erupted anyway. Since she was trying to hold her feelings back, I feel she might know she doesn’t think she’s warranted in feeling the way she does. Therefore, I’m guessing she regrets what she said.
I wonder if she’s a little insecure in life. Do you think there’s something about your mom or family she ould be jealous of? Maybe your mom is younger, prettier, has a better job. Or maybe your dad has more money, or is more charming than her husband. Perhaps she’s sensitive and your mother (during one of their few encounters) said something that bothered her, whether intentional or unintentional.
I also think that something about the flower fiasco had more meaning. Does she have any daughters? Perhaps she was really trying to grow closer to you. Or maybe she felt that if your mom went, she would be outnumbered, and not get the flowers she wanted, when she is the one paying for them. And to be honset, while there isn’t a problem in having your mom help plan, I think that it would be OK, if you want to accept her money for the flowers, to work with her on it, just the two of you.
Hopefully a nice talk will clear the air. Maybe she’ll apologize for her outburst. If the flower situation isn’t already buttoned up, I would offert orevisit it, jsut the two of you together. While you didn’t do anything wrong, I would offer an apology such as, "I’m sorry if you wanted just the two of us to go… I didn’t mean for you to feel ganged up on by my mom being there." (Or whatever might apply from what comes out of the talk with her.) And if she doesn’t want to smooth things over with your mom herself, just try to say something to your mom like, whatever she’s feeling is something she’s working on, and not really a personal issue with your mom
Post # 10
Eeek! I’m with eloping, I think your FMIL wanted to do something alone with you and was upset when the plans changed. She could have handled it better than that, though! Sorry you’re having to deal with that!
Post # 11
It happens. My MIL cries. Yep. And as soon as she gets her way, it’s all rainbows and sunshine. If I’m firm, I’m the bad guy.
Post # 12
I think it is unfortunate for sure that your FMIL behaved this way…definitely sounds like she’s been holding some things in. I wonder if she feels like your family always comes first…I think that while it was fine to want to include your mom in the day, but trying to change your FMIL’s laid out plans in order to accomodate your mom I think was kind of unreasonable on your part. So what if your mom had to drive herself or if you needed to drop her off and then meet the in-laws for dinner. While it was inappropriate for her to “explode” and say those types of thing, it sounds like this probably isn’t the first time that she’s been considered second-string to your family…just something to think about!