My friend is considered "creepy", help me give him advice!

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5242 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

I can understand his situation from having a sick parent myself but I think the best thing he can do is try not to come on too strong. He needs to play it cool, be a little aloof, at least until things get serious. I would stop the random gift giving (as nice as it is) until he is in a serious relationship with someone cause I can see why that’s turning girls off.

If I someone gave me a $400 purse after a few dates I would feel like he was trying to buy me and that would seriously turn me off. I also wouldn’t like if he paid for everything on every date so that might also turn off some types of women as well.

I don’t think he can’t do these things, but I think he should work on his timing a little and then he can express his feelings however he wants once he’s in a serious relationship with a girl. I would say make a rule and don’t give any large gifts for the first three months.

Post # 3
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

Hey! I’ll date him! Lol

Post # 4
Member
891 posts
Busy bee

I think he sounds like a very sweet guy with good intentions, but his gifts are way over the top and send the message that he’s getting really serious really fast, even though that might not be his intention. It’s wonderful to pick up the check and open doors and whatnot, but beyond that, I think he might need to lay off the gifts, or at least drastically downsize them until the relationships get really serious. A $400 purse is way too intense that early on in a relationship, I wouldn’t want some guy I barely know showing up at my house unannounced, and the grocery bags…actually that one is pretty innocent, but three dates in just might be too early to be giving gifts in general. A cute little something after a decent amount of time that didn’t cost much is probably going to be ok to most people.

Post # 5
Member
2970 posts
Sugar bee

texasgal747 :  I’m sure those girls he went on dates with are telling their girlfriends he is “too nice”. Although I never understood what that really meant.

Post # 6
Member
6628 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

He’s coming on too strong. It’s fine if gifts are his love language but he needs to tone it down! I would absolutely  be a little freaked out if a guy I barely knew started buying me expensive things or just popping up at my house unannounced. Those types of gestures are great once you are in an exclusive relationship but creepy when you are first meeting someone/casually dating. I also think he’s putting himself in a position to be used if he meets the wrong person who will take advantage of his generous nature.

Also, just handing out expensive gifts like that could be seen as show-offy and kind of bragging in a very unattractive way. Or can come off as trying to buy a person’s love. Basically, it’s all around not great and he needs to stop buying his dates expensive gifts. 

Post # 7
Member
885 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I think he needs to chill. And maybe the picking women up at bars thing isn’t the best venue… does he have any hobbies? 

Gifts are ok after you’re in a relationship, but not if you’re just dating. If he feels he just “has to”, small things only & hopefully activity type gifts … theatre, concert, etc…

Post # 8
Member
7805 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Picking up the tab for dinner, awesome. Nice bottle of wine, great! $400 purse, pretty weird.

Maybe send the flowers to her work or something instead of randomly showing up at her house.

Post # 9
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I think the big expensive gifts should be saved for later in a relationship.  However, I think small thoughtful token gifts are fine.  Reasonably priced flowers are fine.  But if  a guy got me a 400 dollar purse that early, I would think he was overly obsessed with me or trying to show me he was rich.  Neither are good for a relationship.

Post # 10
Member
7 posts
Newbee

texasgal747 :  I think I’d appreciate flowers and would think that was sweet, but a very expensive bag is a bit much that early on. From a girl’s perspective, you start to wonder “what does this guy expect from me?” and “why is he giving me so much when I barely know him?” There is a great relationship expert, Matthew Hussey, that maybe he should listen to. He’s mainly geared towards women, but started his career focusing on men’s relationship issues. It’s great to want to give someone you’re dating gifts, but they should “earn” them throughout time and show some sort of reciprocity in terms of also investing in you (not always with money, but maybe with time). If he gives these girls everything so fast, they don’t really value it. As Hussey would say, if you were to get a car for free from someone, you wouldn’t value it as much as if you worked hard and paid for it yourself. Basically, he’s scaring away these girls by coming on way too strong in the beginning. Also, not to mention, but some girls are more independent and don’t really want to be spoiled by a guy. That’s more of a traditional mentality. 

Just my two cents. 

 

Post # 11
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Yeah, I think flowers are ok on dates. Bonus points for chocolate, cheese or wine, lol. But anything more would be too much if I wasn’t exclusively seeing the person. I also agree with PP that he’s putting himself in a situation where he could get used if he meets the wrong person.

He sounds like a really nice guy! Girls can be bitches. Tell him not to get discouraged!

Post # 12
Member
5574 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

texasgal747 :  Who said he was creepy? I think the only real offputting thing is showing up at the girl’s house randomly. I would not like that unless we were dating a loooong time. The thing is, you really don’t have the full story maybe. You don’t know what he talks about with these girls. Maybe he says creepy things there? Or he’s a total bore? Or he tries to get too physically close too fast? I think he probably needs to chill, too, and just accept love when it comes. And maybe don’t go lookin’ in a bar for it.

Post # 13
Member
974 posts
Busy bee

He’s definitely coming on too strongly, I would be pretty uncomfortable too if a guy bought me an expensive bag after only a few dates. Showing up at my door unannounced after only a handful of dates would also be creepy to me. Flowers are lovely, but this goes way beyond that and it’s totally different bringing a bunch of flowers along on a date to imposing yourself on someones doorstep. I would imagine this guy has boundary issues which are apparent in thr rest of the relationship which puts some girls off. 

Post # 14
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Flowers, yes. Other gifts, no – not appropriate.  I think that the cost of a gift after such a short relationship, or that it might convey the idea of expectations for the future of a relationship, would make many women uncomfortable. I think in this case it’s probably good to provide him some (pretty arbitrary) hard and fast advice. For instance, for a gift other than flowers or something edible/drinkable he should wait until:

1) they have a “define the relationship” talk and agree that they want to be exclusive and are looking for something more than a very casual relationship. (depending on the woman, I might wait for flowers until this point – but it’s context-dependent) 

2) wait for the first “celebratory” event (anniversary of 3 months or more/birthday/Christmas/Valentines) for anything expensive or personalized to set the tone for gift-giving

Yes, these seem silly, and I know generosity is a good trait. It’s also true that he should be with someone who appreciates that generosity, but some people who are happy getting a $400 purse in the beginning of the relationship may, um, not be looking for love? Eventually those generous tendancies will be much appreciated by the right woman, but he should ease into them slowly. Too much money/affection too early may signal either an innappropriate level of attachment that comes off as “creepy,” or trying to buy affection/sex with monetary gifts.

Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
1419 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

It’s mostly creepy when the feelings are not reciprocated. Your friend might be like Ted from HIMYM – an all around nice guy, but maybe he comes on too strong (in other ways besides gifts) while being ignorant of vibes from the girl that she’s not there yet. I dunno about the $400 purse, but if you’re really clicking with a guy and like him, it would be sweet (not creepy) if he dropped by with surprise flowers.

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