- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2013
This is just a longish, self-indulgent rant. You’ve been warned. ;P
I left my family and friends to come teach in Korea. It was sorta hard, but not as hard as I expected – my grueling work schedule back in the US meant I didn’t get to see anyone much anyway, as they were all a minimum several hours by public transit away.
I miss them, but that’s not what this is about.
It’s about the fact that there’s so few of them – people I’m really close to. The reality is that I think I’m maybe a little too picky about who I let close, and I do try to hide it and I mostly do well at recognizing it and quashing it. But there’s just no substitute for when I meet someone and we click, and I don’t HAVE to try, it’s just easy because they already fit through all the filters of my pickiness without me having to widen the holes… and on top of that, they like me despite all my annoying quirks.
It happens so rarely that someone comes into my life that is good to me and easy to like and genuinely feels the same.
And they nearly always seem to leave.
It never gets easier, and sometimes I think it makes me even choosier because it hurts so much.
I made a friend one year ago during the orientation for my teaching program here in Korea. We did our sample lesson together and ended up in roughly the same neighborhood, which is huge because I live WAY out of the way and it’s an enormous pain to go to where most of the other foreigners live. It’s so hard to find people here to hang out with who don’t either want to spend all their time drinking or hiking/outdoors-ing. (Not a fan of either.)
She was always there and always fun to hang out with, a little “lame” like me (as in not a partier or heavy drinker) and had similar stomach and stress issues as me, which sounds stupid to care about but it really put us on the same page in a huge way.
I know most people who come here only stay for a year, and in the end, the school she got was pretty awful and she ended up deciding to go back to her country (not even the same one as mine) and we hung out for the last time (in Korea anyway… I really hope we meet again) tonight.
Since she left a little while ago I’ve been crying, almost like I used to when FH and I were long distance and one of us had to leave. For so many reasons. I don’t want her to go. I want to text her tomorrow and meet up at homeplus and get waffles, but she’s gone.
It’s this almost self indulgent thought, but it just seems like everyone I get close to, everyone I start to rely on disappears, and FH had to hold me and promise me he wouldn’t disappear like everyone else, because I sometimes get scared for no real reason, no logic, just an irrational fear that the trend will take him away too.
Anyway I just wanted to vent and get that off my chest. tl;dr, it’s really hard when people you care a lot about go away (a-duhhh) and I’m not handling it well.