My friend is obsessed with the same guy for the past 5 years….

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
1905 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Yikes. It’s a very touchy subject. I think it would be hard to talk about it without it coming off like you’re judging her “relationship”, and that yours is better. 

I had a friend in a similar situation and no matter how I expressed my concerns I was always the bad guy, and it would cause major riffs in our relationship.

If she has been doing this for years I don’t think anything you say will have an impact, but just cause strain in your relationship with her. Honestly I would stay completely out of it and hope she wakes up to reality. 

Post # 3
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

Unrequited crushes are one thing, but to literally be planning a life with this guy? It sounds like your friend is unhealthily fixated. I’m not sure there is much you can do to be honest. If she’s been this way for years, she sounds a bit removed from reality. 

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 11 months ago by  MrsYokiman.
Post # 4
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I was your friend. Granted I was much younger at the time, but that was me. You will not be able to pull her out of it. She has to do it herself, or the right guy will (Not empowering I know, but true). 

My first obsession didn’t work out, the second is now my FI, so friends aren’t always right. 

Post # 5
377 posts
Helper bee

I think you need to stop being so judgemental of your friend. Some people just aren’t confident about this kind of stuff. I know I’m not. I’ve definitely done stuff like this before. I know I am very good at what I do and I’m a good person, but I’m not conceited enough to assume that whoever I’m crushing on will like me back, so I never ask them out because I am so afraid of being rejected. The only reason I dated my first boyfriend was because he was a random guy that caught me off guard. I definitely had more confidence since dating him, but before that there was no way I’d ever know how to start a romantic relationship with someone. I was too scared and it was completely unfamiliar territory. Since dating, I’m still shy about this stuff. I was kind of obsessed with a guy for a year until he asked me out. I didn’t have our china patterns picked out or anything, but I definitely fantasised about being married to him.

I think it’s fine unless she’s stalking him or something. Of course, 5 years is a *very* long time and it must be very frustrating for her. You should encourage her to ask him out or confess her feelings. She probably has no idea how to go about it though, so maybe you should try to help her out with that. I’d be pretty annoyed if one of my friends was judging me for being romantically shy. You might not be that way, but some people just are. It can be really scary to make yourself vulnerable to someone and you’re lucky that you’ve gotten it over with and it’s worked out. You should use your experience to help your friend. I’m sure she’d appreciate it.

Post # 6
3432 posts
Sugar bee

LongIslandRN:  I think this is something she needs to work out for herself.  No amount of telling, talking, advice is going to help her.  She has to realize that Ryan is just a friend for herself.  You sound like an ass for saying “Ryan doesn’t like you.”  (not actually, just saying you will).  It takes time but usually people realize this and will pull themselves out of it.  But I would just let it rest.

Post # 7
805 posts
Busy bee

LongIslandRN:  That is really odd, and not healthy. People who build fantasy relationships in their heads don’t really want to listen to the real world, so I would just not talk about it with her and let her live with the fantasy until she’s done with it. I dumped a friend once who’d ‘fallen in love’ with basically an imaginary person (a woman he saw occasionally in a library but had never spoken to) because it drove him, and then me, crazy.

Post # 8
7282 posts
Busy Beekeeper

LongIslandRN:  You don’t have to understand because it is not your life. If she is happy and isn’t hurting anyone just STFU. She doesn’t need a friend that judges her so much. Maybe she doesn’t want a relationship so picks unattainable guys. Maybe it is just a cover because her friends seem to judge her so much for never having a boyfriend or being kissed.

Post # 9
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Sometimes, due to life experiences, when people are afraid of the real thing they perhaps do what works for them- having someone at a sort of distance vs the real guy who’s interested up close and personal, vulnerability. It may not be the healthiest for them, but they have to work it out. I agree that judging them for it or having a talk about it isn’t helpful. Maybe be a friend and invite her to spend time with a broader group of people and experiences, and don’t be so consumed with her life. 

Post # 10
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Oh I used to be the same…I was obsessed with one guy after another.. and nothing anyone would tell me would make me believe anything than what I wanted to believe. Everyone has their own journey in life.. I wouldn’t worry about her. one day she’ll wake up. I woke up one day and met my husband.. and now I’m happily married, and very glad that I had all those past experiences, because it means that I can now recognize a meaningless crush for what it is and be that much more confident that I’d never cheat on my husband.

Just leave her.. one day she will meet someone 🙂 You can’t live her life for her ..she needs to do that herself.

Post # 11
19 posts
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think sometimes deep down some people (like myself at that age) was sort of scared to get into a REAL relationship. It was way more safe to have these crushes and fantasies instead of facing real life. Real life comes with the chance of breaking up with someone you really like, it could bring pain or uncomfortableness, you may need to face your fears. I’m not sure if this is what’s happening with your friend but from someone who didn’t have a serious relationship until I was 24, looking back on it, it was definitely a safe and easy position to be in. 

Post # 12
303 posts
Helper bee

LongIslandRN:  I can’t help but I have a friend who is very similar! One night about 10 years ago she met a guy at a bar and he kissed her once. She knew his name and pretty much made it her life goal to be with him. He was in the military and was overseas for awhile, she somehow found his PARENTS address and phone number (they didn’t even live in our state..), she called his mom (!!!!) got his address in Iraq and started sending him letters. He never wrote back. She somehow found out he was home and called and wrote, etc. Never wrote back. Still talks about him and how amazing he was. I wish I could help but I am totally not the type to tell someone they are being crazy.

Post # 13
5812 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Like others have said, most likely she has issues with getting close or getting hurt, so fantasy relationships are safe. 

Maybe get her the book, He just not that into you. But after that, just let her have her fantasy. You can ask her to not talk to you about it, but you can’t stop her from giving up on this guy until she is ready. 

Post # 14
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Let it go. She will snap out of it someday when she still hasn’t had a boyfriend and is the last single girl standing approaching 30. I honestly don’t know why you care so much. she seems okay with her decisions to dream on and obsess over this guy and in her head she thinks she has a chance. Neither of you know the future so who knows what will happen. She may be the one who ends up in a happy marriage to one of the men she obsesses about and everyone else may end up years down the road divorced. Life takes unexpected twists and turns and she will figure it out. There are no rules and unless the guy is totally disrespecting her or abusive its best to not get involved in a friends dating or love life. 

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