My friend is trying for a baby

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would give my honest opinion if she asks.

It makes me really sad that people intentionally bring kids into volatile environments, just to fill their own need. So selfish 🙁

Post # 3
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Yikes..that’s a tough position to be in. Maybe you can have a conversation with her about it (in person is probably better than responding to the email), and try to engage her in drawing out why she might be wanting your advice about this topic. So for example when she asks you what you think, you can say something like “well, more importantly, how are you feeling about everything? This is such a big decision!”, ask her if she’s having any concerns, bring up concerns you might have had before you had your child, etc. If she doesn’t volunteer any of the concerns, maybe you can gently bring up the way her DH treats her “You mentioned/I’ve noticed DH makes these jokes about getting pregnant/was relieved when you weren’t, how did you feel about that?”

I think this is too big of a thing to just let go and ignore, but she’s also an adult that has to make her own decisions, even if you’re worried she might not be making the best ones. I think finding ways to gently bring up your concerns (which maybe she’ll bring up anyways) without reminding her that you dislike her husband and think its a horrible idea might be the best way to go so she doesn’t get defensive and just retreat from the convo.

Good luck, and she is lucky to have a friend who has her best interests at heart!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  Magpie86.
Post # 4
Member
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

stinkyanon1:  Wow, that’s a lot going on there. This is hard because usually I’m firmly in the it’s not your life, so you stay out of it/your friend is an adult and needs to learn from their mistakes camp, but I don’t know on this one. Her husband sounds like a huge dick. Did she rush to marry him because she wants to be a mother so bad? Or does she actually love him? I would do as PP said and sit down and have a long conversation with her. I would talk to her about why she feels now is the time for a baby, what she is concerned/worried about, etc. and then go from there depending on what she says. Personally, I would never want to bring a child into a relationship like that, but it seems her wants are overshadowing the best choice. Good luck OP. 

Post # 5
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

1. Ask her if she wants her husband to slap her daughter’s stomach and tell her she’s fat.

2. Ask her if she had a son and he grew up to ba a carbon copy of his Daddy, treating his future wife the way she is being treated, falling down drunk as a regular occasion, and never following through on the commitments that he makes to the people he supposedly “loves, would she be proud of raising that kind of man.

 

If she cannot say that she wants her husband to tell their future daughter that she is fat or her future son to think it’s okay to behave that way, then she should not be procreating with this man. BTW… she already knows this. She really does. She doesn’t want to admit that she has made a mistake. She doesn’t want to admit that this is not the life she wants for herself. She doesn;t want to admit that her life is a sham. It’s a mixture of shame, guilt, disappointment, anger, etc. It’s not pretty. She probably feels foolish, stuck, and lost. She needs you to help her see the right path. You cannot tell her what that path is. That is something she must find for herself. But you can help her ask herself the hard questions that will lead to that path.

Post # 6
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Honestly, if I were her friend and she asked me what I thought about her having a baby right now I would tell her the truth. I had a worthless father and I wouldn’t wish that shit on any child. I saw this quote a few months ago and I couldn’t agree with it more. It was something like, “Don’t marry a man unless you would be proud to have a son just like him”. I think the same applies with procreating. I would ask her how she would feel if she had a child who was just like him and to be honest with herself. She doesn’t even have a safe home to keep the baby in right now! I don’t even understand why she’s trying. The whole thing just sounds stupid and selfish. With all that said I would mention that I am only telling her this because I care and I want the best for her and her offspring. And also that I will support her regardless.

Post # 7
Member
870 posts
Busy bee

stinkyanon1:  Because there is a potential baby that will be affected by your friends choice, if she asks I would give her my honest opinion, reminding her that a baby is not a band-aid for a relationship in crisis and that bringing in a child to an unsafe environment to fullfill her wants and needs is pretty selfish and would say to me she is not ready for a child. But that’s my opinion based on what you wrote. She probably won’t listen to you, but part of me thinks if she’s asking for your opinion, she’s questioning whether or not having a baby is the right thing in the first place.

Post # 8
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

stinkyanon1:  I would say something. 

She definitely married the first person that came along-thats what it seems like to me. She is letting her baby fever cloud her judgement. 

Tell her that not just the husband is not a good fit but her living situation-mold in the walls? thats a big no-no if you are about to have a baby

Post # 9
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

The fact that she got her period is a pure sign that she should not be having a baby with this loser

Post # 10
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Be honest, express your concerns for her and any future children, and then back away. She’ll either take your concerns to heart or she’ll create a mess of her own making.

Post # 11
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

I would tell her the truth as honestly and sensitively as possible.

I wouldn’t name call (call her husband an ass).  But I would say he doesn’t treat her the way she deserves to be treated, etc. and does she truly want to bring a child into the world with an active alcoholic for a father?  What if he becomes abusive?  It sounds like he’s already emotionally abusive and borderline physically abusive.  I would want more/better for my child and for myself.

Post # 13
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

stinkyanon1:  Of course I could be wrong, I don’t know your friend….but it seems like if she is venting to you about certain things her husband is doing AND is asking “what you think”, then she is looking to talk about her concerns. Most people who are TTC don’t think to ask for validation/opinions on it from their friends (in my experience), unless they are having some nagging doubts.

Post # 14
Member
478 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Honestly, after reading all of that and knowing exactly how you feel about your best friend marrying a complete douche bag, I would 100% be honest. 100%!!!! Sometimes, as much as we dont like to think so, telling the truth is the ONLY way to go. 

Sometimes people just need to hear the truth that everyone else is scared to voice. Your friend [to me] is in danger and men like that only get worse and there is absolutely no way I think a baby needs to be brought into that. She needs to Divorce that poor excuse for a man as it is. It seems to me like she settled.

You need to tell her, straight up. Sit down and tell her exactly how you feel. If she gets mad or decides to go against your advice, then thats her perogative but at least your conscience would be clean. Its so so sad when our close friends meet these kinds of men and refuse to see what kind of people they really are for the sake of marriage for having a baby. And really, chances are she knows exactly what kind of ”man” he is.

Please tell her the truth. 

Post # 15
Member
992 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

stinkyanon1:  Just to throw this out there, I would as PP’s said 110% talk to her in person. I can imagine reading an e-mail response over and over from my best friend that was saying things thought I’d probably need to hear wouldn’t want to.

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