Post # 1
A 31 year old friend of mine just accepted a proposal from her abusive, cheating boyfriend. She opened it with “I’m engaged! I was surprised, I know he still has to prove himself to me but I’m excited.”
I’m trying to be supportive but I’m just so upset for her. Her choice. She has a history of picking some nasty guys, has been in therapy for years over her issues on why she stays with these men. It’s just so hard to watch and so hard to support and act happy for her. I didn’t say congrats but I told her I’m happy if she is happy and I wish her the best.
Bees, this is so hard.
How did you handle this when you were in the same boat?
Post # 3
I would wish her the best and maybe give some distance if you think you might say something inappropriate to her. I totally understand that this isn’t a happy engagment but regardless it’s her engagement and she’s a 31 year old woman who is going to make her own decisions. I feel like if you say anything bad about it she’ll just shut you out.
Hard spot to be in. Also the guy sounds like a dick, maybe they’ll break up before the wedding.
Post # 4
3 months ago they were in the park walking and the girl he was cheating on her with happened to see them. He then turned to my friend and said “get the fuck out of here, I told you we’re done.” and tried to play it that she was following him so the other girl wouldn’t think he had a girlfriend. My friend, at the time, had no idea what was going on. The guy is legit crazy. He might be bi-polar and he blames everything on the fact that he was adopte. He’s 42
Yes – this actually happened.
Post # 5
@FleeSircus: I’m sorry your friend is going through this. It reminds me of some Maury shows, when a woman was crying her heart out about her abusive and cheating boyfriend, but the guy would come on stage, put his knee down, ask her to marry her, and she would happily say yes. I was like this in my living room : o_O
I think, unfortunately, there’s not much you can do. She is making her own choices at this point. If you’re very close to this friend and think she would be receptive to your concerns, you could always share your worries with her. I would start with exactly what she told you ”I know he still has to prove himself…” and tell her you’re concerned about that. People should get engaged when they’ve already proven themselves to be a worthy partner, not in an effort to distract the other from the relationship issues going on. I don’t think you’ll make her change her mind, but maybe what you will tell her will be like planting a seed in her head and she might reflect on that on her own.
Post # 6
@NauticalDisaster: Thank you.
I don’t have any intentions of changing her mind or voicing my opinion anymore – she knows how i feel about him because they’ve broken up before and when she asked my opinion I gave it to her. So I’m not going to try and stop her.
“I was like, this is my living room.”
Post # 7
Holy shitballs that happened for real? Then forget what I said above, I’d tell her exactly how stupid she’s being and how can she marry a guy that cheats on her and treats her like shit. If she doesn’t want to be friends after you say that then oh well, it doesn’t sound like you’d want to hang out with the new engaged “couple” anyway.
Ew this guy is so skanky and messsed up.
Post # 9
@FleeSircus: Haha, sorry for the typo, I corrected it. 😛
Post # 10
I would just go with it and try to be supportive – just try to not talk about him. If you get on the offensive she will shut down and become very defensive with you and likely be pushed towards him more because you are the one making a deal about it. If you remain a good friend to her and try not to attack or be judgemental she will be much more open to coming to you when things get bad – and that is when you can work at changing things.
Post # 11
@FleeSircus: A few months ago, one of my BFFs called and said she was engaged. Her man wasn’t a cheater or physcially abusive, but he had some major trust issues (stemming from childhood; my friend had done nothing wrong) and was emotionally unstable and borderline abusive. They clearly had issues they needed to work out, and I wasn’t sure how to react to her news. I ended up saying congratulations (I think?), but then gently explained my hesitations and asked if she didn’t think they should take it extremely slowly to absolutely be 100% sure that he was over his issues and that they could have a healthy relationship. I also told her they should be in counseling, which they did end up seeking. They ended up breaking it off entirely a month or two into the engagement.
I’m not sure how close you are to this friend, but if you’re fairly close, I would encourage her to plan a long engagement to “give him the opportunity” to prove that he’s serious. I would also encourage (push, if necessary) her to seek counseling, like, ASAP. If he’s truly changed his ways, it’ll show. If he hasn’t, she’ll notice and have good motivation to squash any more shenanigans and hopefully find the strength (and support!) she needs to leave him. What was her reaction to the park incident? I can’t even process that and how she somehow stayed with him? From what you’re describing, she needs people on her side. Reacting in anger or obvious un-supportiveness may make her push you away. Be supportive of her without supporting this decision, and try to help her help herself by giving her the tools she needs.
Post # 12
@FleeSircus: From the sound of this, I doubt the engagement is going to last past 3 months. I highly doubt a wedding will happen. I’d just support your friend with what you said “i’m happy if you’re happy.’ Leave it at that, because nature is definitely going to take it’s course in this relationship.
It’s not your place to give her a lecture on your opinions (of course, you know that. Just reassuring you that you made the right comment 🙂 )
Post # 13
Whaaaaat?! That happened and she’s still with this douche?
I can’t belive that.
With that said, it’s hard for us friends to help when it’s a deep rooted self esteem issue. Only she can help herself. No matter what others say, she won’t listen if she doesn’t want to and keeps letting her insecurities get in the way.
I would just go along with the engagement and hope for the best.
I had a friend with similar situation (he was more emotionally abusive) and she ended up marrying the guy and having his kid. We’ve been trying to talk her out of it for YEARS, even after she had the kid, we still wanted her OUT, but she wouldn’t listen to anyone.
Now, we are no longer friends and she’s still with this guy. What can you do? Sigh~
Post # 14
@cutiebomb7789: Thank you
in regards to the counseling – I think they’ve been dating for 2 years and after 11 months they started counseling together. I’m of the opinion if you’re dating someone for 11 months and you need counseling…you don’t need counseling, you need to break up.
I don’t know – I wish them the best.
Post # 15
She’s such a loving and wonderful person so it’s just so hard to see someone with someone that treats her like this. You just want to SCREAM!
Post # 16
I am so very sorry to hear this.
You may want to suggest to her that accepting a proposal from someone who still has to prove himself to her is very risky and incredibly unwise.
In fact, you may want to suggest to her that he already HAS PROVEN himself to her — as a liar, a cheater, a deceiver, and an abuser.
When people show you who they are, it is very wise to believe them.
Finally, if she refuses to consider what marriage to this man may be like for her, perhaps she will consider the fact that she may soon find herself very heavily invested in planning and paying for an expensive wedding that, if he again reveals his true colors to her, she may end up having to cancel, causing her to lose a great deal of money.