(Closed) My Friend, our Officiant, is a Jerk

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@CookieCreamCakes:  He might be feeling a lot of pressure if this is the first wedding he is officiating.  We had a friend get ordained to marry us as well.  Even though this friend is used to talking in front of huge crowds, he was SO nervous to do our wedding!  You might sit down and talk to your friend and see how he’s feeling about the whole thing.  Everyone acts different under pressure.  There might be something more going on.

Post # 5
Member
10563 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

@Brideonabudgetlauren:  +1

I was thinking the same thing, especially if this is a little out of character for him.  He also might not feel comfortable altering the ceremony you picked, but it might not flow well for him.  If you spoke to him about it, maybe the 2 of you could alter them so you’re both happy.

Post # 6
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Honestly, if this was me, I’d have my brother officiate.  It seems to me like your “friend” thinks he knows better, and probably thinks he’d be doing you a favor if he changed them for you for the wedding.  I could be wrong, but that’s the impression I get from what you’ve written here.    I also had a friend marry us, but she’s an ordained minister and online ordination isn’t legal here anymore.  Still, she showed us what she was planning to say, and was quite willing to change something if we weren’t comfortable with it (my husband and I are quite non-religious).

I agree that you shouldn’t be a dormat for your wedding.  This is your wedding and not his.  You’ve paid him to do nothing more than read what you’ve given him and it doesn’t seem like he’s willing to do that anymore.  I honestly wouldn’t forgive someone for changing the vows I had chosen for my wedding day, and I’d be very nervous that he’d do just that.  I’d tell him you didn’t expect him to return the money, but it would mean a lot to your brother to officiate.

Post # 7
Member
9552 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

It’s also possible he was just having a bad night. Maybe something at work is going badly and it’s out of his control and it’s driving him nuts and he projected all that onto your wedding. I dunno. Still not a great thing to do, but I just wanted to say there may be extenuating circumstances. Also, is he a grammar police guy? My fiance is totally anal about grammar and vocabulary. I’ve gotten him so he doesn’t correct people but I know it still bothers him and it would be really hard for him to give a speech that was incorrect grammatically. If this is the case, then maybe have him go through and offer suggestions of how he would word it and then you get the final say?

Post # 9
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would also suggest asking your brother to officiate. We were so excited to have our good friend officiate, we have known and loved him many years, and we knew we could trust him completely with the ceremony.

It sounds like you don’t trust this guy to do the job, which is an extremely important one. Do you really want to roll the dice to see if he delivers? Do you trust your brother to take it seriously and give you the wedding ceremony you want?

At the very least, I would start the process of getting your brother ordained. It might take a bit to make sure the paperwork is filed correctly with the state, and you don’t want to close out the possibility of using him because of time. You can check to make sure his paperwork is filed correctly when you get your marriage license.

Post # 10
Member
6207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I would have an honest talk with him before you do anything. Ask him what’s going through his mind, and maybe the suggestions he has will be helpful. You want the ceremony to be what you want it to be, but you also want it to sound natural. Ask him to read them aloud, and then you guys can re-evaluate

Post # 11
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

Other PP won’t agree with me I’m sure but this is YOUR wedding and you are paying him a good amount to do/say what you and FI want him to, so I think he needs to put aside personal preference and do WTF you tell him to do. If he wasn’t your friend would you have a problem telling Joe Schmo what do to? He isn’t being a good friend or professional about it. I would talk to him and tell him that these are the vows you and FI picked and if he doesn’t think that he can read what you and FI have decided on you’ll have to ask him to step down and your bro will officiate. It’s not his decision on what your vows/ceremony should be like it’s yours.

Post # 13
Member
4372 posts
Honey bee

@CookieCreamCakes:  I would tell him- I appreciate that you agree to say what we want said, and give him the speech when ready. Leave it at that and don’t incite him. He sounds quite high maintenance. 

Post # 14
Member
1775 posts
Buzzing bee

It sounds to me like he’s having a difficult time going up there with something that doesn’t sound grammatically sound. I like being in front of people, but personally would feel humiliated if it is as structurally iffy as it sounds. Maybe he panicked and didn’t know how to handle it. I’d have a conversation with him.

Post # 15
Member
4372 posts
Honey bee

To give him cover for any grammatical inaccuracies that he doesn’t want attributed to him, he can say in the beginning, “The couple has asked me to read these vows which they have prepared.”

Post # 16
Member
10563 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

@CookieCreamCakes:  Based on what he wrote,it just strenghtens my earlier opinion.  You told him he doesn’t have to read it word for word, but he’s worried about changing what you already sent him.

I don’t think he’s trying to be a jerk.  I would say to meet up with him, work on the wording, and at that point if you still have reservations then go wtih your brother.

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