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Ok I'm going to try to keep this shortbut I doubt it's going to happen.
Basically I used to date this guy, Giles on and off for 3 years in college. We were never right for each other and fought all the time, it was a very "immature" relationship. Regardless he is still an Ex and I was totally head over heels in love with him for those 3 years. Well about 2 month ago my coworker comes in telling me how she met this great guy Giles and his friends at a bar... well knowing the location of where she is and the name I knew it had to be him. I go out the next night with a group of friends and totally run into him and some friends from college, very random. He tells me that he indeed meet my friend and that she was cute. Ladies let me tell you... he is a charmer, all my girlfriends that didn't know him in college were like he's soo cute and nice I can't believe you broke up with him. He complimented me all night long and kept saying he missed me. When he saw my engagment ring he was like well I guess it's really over between us. This is his style trust me.
So my coworker starts hanging out with him quite a bit and he starts asking her to bring him to my wedding. She said he's brought it up quite a few times since they starting dating and keeps being like it would be so funny. He is the type that would send me emails after we broke up saying I know you still want me, etc. When I saw him a month ago it had been about 3 years since I'd seen him before and of course memories come flooding back, you can't help that. I have been with my fiance for 6 years and I love him. I have absolutely no romantic feelings for Giles at all, but he will always have a special place in my heart because I spent a good deal of time with him.
Soo heres where I need the advice.
My coworker wants to bring him to my wedding!!! Basically all the other girls from work have boyfriends/husbands so she doesn't want to be alone. I don't really know what to say, I mean I dont know if I want to be walking down the aisle and look over and see my Ex starting at me... I just feel like it would be wrong! If my friend continues to date him and really likes him then I don't want to hurt her feelings because she just got out of a bad relationship and deserves to be happy too!
Any one else run into this problem, have any advice for me?
I will probably be the only one, but I say, let him come.
I think him seeing you physically get married will sever ALL romantic ties to you. Plus you'll be able to show your visible love for your fiance in front of someone. I think it will solidify all your feelings for your new husband and make Giles jealous he gave you up, but (hopefully) mature enough to SEE for himself that it's over.
That is, if your FI is cool with it. Ask him and see what he thinks. If he's a no go, then Giles is def. a no go.
I'm with MoSnow. Of course both you and your FH need to be comfortable with it, but at this point he would just be a guest and you and your FH would be the center of all eyes. Ultimately you won't even notice him there. I know cause on my wedding day I only had eyes for my husband.
I have an ex like this, and I wouldn't want him coming, regardless of how over it is and how over it I am.
I'm a little conflicted as to what I'd do. If your friend is starting a serious relationship with him and everything, it might not be fair of you to ask her not to bring him. I'd tell her honestly how you feel about the ide aof having him there (and how weird it is that he think it'd be FUNNY to attend?) and leave it in her hands. A great friend wouldn't want to be a cause of any kind of discomfort. But like MoSnow said, if he does come, maybe it'll finally register with him, though it's crazy that he still emails you after being with your FI for 6 years. The guy sounds like kind of a nutcase, and I wouldn't want him there just on those grounds.
Is it a smaller wedding where you'd really notice his presence or is it huge? That could make a difference too.
Ick, that sucks though, I hope you find a solution you're comfortable with.
I think you have every right to ask her not to bring him. I'm not one of those people who thinks all exes should never ever be allowed at a wedding, but someone with whom you have so much history...and such a tumultuous relationship...definitely no. The fact that you are thinking about it so much now and his behavior--you definitely don't want to have that to think about at the wedding too! And it also sounds like he might use that opportunity to "misbehave" in some way.
Tell your coworker to bring someone else. She should definitely understand.
That really sucks! I have an ex that I feel the same way about - I was actually dating him when I met my fiance. I promptly broke it off with the ex and here we are 4 years later. Anytime I had a bf, he kept trying to get back together with me throughout college and after college.
Ultimately its your wedding and it should be a happy day for you. I wouldn't want my ex there (although he hinted about wanting to come!). I would ask her to talk with you and let her know how you feel about it. It also depends on how serious they are. If its just a fling, then I say no.
Another thing to consider - if you haven't sent out invites, don't use "And guest" for her. You can let her know the venue has a certain capacity and you are already there and can't have extra guests in attendance.
Good Luck!
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Hmmm...generally speaking I'd say that if you're not upset by him coming then let it slide, it's not "wrong" per se. But the fact that he keeps asking her to bring him, that he brought it up several times, that gives me pause. He sounds like he can be kind of out of touch with what is appropriate behavior. And so it doesn't seem, from what you wrote, like it's out of the realm of possibility that he might make a mini-scene or at the very least say something inappropriate to you or your new husband (how exciting is getting to use that word?!!). You don't want to set yourself up for that...it's your wedding, it's the one day that I think you can minimize the possibility of discomfort and drama (within reason, of course). Maybe he's not so bad, but that's how your post came across. So I'd say to avoid any potential drama just tell her you understand why she wants to bring him, but you would rather she not. If she's asked, she probably already knows that you might be uncomfortable so I doubt she'd push the issue. You could suggest she bring a friend instead, so she doesn't have to be alone.
Sorry, but I think it's insensitive of your friend to even suggest this in the first place. Let her know you two dated for 3 years, and while he can meet up with her afterward somewhere, that you don't wish him to be at your wedding. I don't consider that very nice of her btw.
My take and feel on this is that if you were truly ok with this happening, you wouldn't even be here posting and asking our opinions.
Go with your gut feeling on this.
Btw..congrats on your upcoming wedding!
So, let me say, HE'S pushing for her to bring him? Obviously your friend thinks it's a little weird, too. Maybe this Giles character KNOWS being there will ruin your day so it's his way of putting a little dent in your plans?
Just talk to your friend. Tell her you think it'll be weird if he comes to your wedding since you were together so long and you really aren't comfortable with it and NEITHER IS YOUR FIANCE. There's your fall back.
I think it's weird...I would never want an ex at my wedding, especially in your shoes. You are right, you don't want to look over and see him looking at you. He sounds like a creeper anyways, sending you emails about "you know you want me" and stuff like that. Ick i hate that stuff. Your friend will understand...she's already thought it was weird!
When I first saw this topic, my first reaction was "OOH! NO no and a thousand times no!" But once I thought about it, I realized that I will have two exes of my own at our wedding. I didn't even think about it becuase i don't really think of them as former boyfriends anymore. With both of them, we dated only for a short time many years ago.
So for me, that's the line. If you still think of this guy as your ex (which it seems you do) than I wouldn't want him there. But if he's a friend now who you happened to date in your past, then he should be as welcome as any other friend!
um, I wouldn't let him come...it would be different if they were an established couple
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i'd say no... it sounds like he has an idea that everything is all about him (the emails, the idea that it would be "funny"), and isn't really in touch with what kind of behavior is appropriate and inappropriate.
maybe he'd behave himself and realize that you were off-limits and everything would be fine... but maybe not. it's too risky and you sound uncomfortable and he's being weird by pushing it with your friend... it's not "funny" to go to your ex's wedding. either you're friends, and it's normal and nice, or you're not, and it's inappropriate.
My first instinct is no. There is too much history there. Plus it would probably make your fiance uncomfortable, even if he didn't tell you.
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Oh hell no!
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No. Just NO.
I'm not sure what your rule is regarding guests bringing dates..but if this guy weren't your ex and your friend wanted to bring her new bf (of a few weeks) would you let her? Also - I'm not sure how close you are with this girl, but she's a co-worker so how close is she really to bring a guest?
I say definitely NO! What a great reason to want to go to a wedding - b/c it'd be funny? Has your co-worker thought that maybe since he thinks it'd be funny to go to your wedding as her date that maybe he is just dating her to try and get under your skin?!?
I think it would be a totally different situation if he was normal to you - and not charming, flirty, etc. Then I would say let him come - if he truly wanted to see you happy. From your post, it sure doesn't sound that way. I would tell your co-worker him being there, after pressuring her to bring him, would make you uncomfortable and that you prefer her to bring a friend as a date instead of him. As long as she has company, it doesn't matter if it is a guy or girl.
Wow thats a tough one. I say don't let your friend bring your ex. I could see if it were a week to a month relationship but 3 yrs is a long time in my book. Explain to your friend how happy you are for him and her but it will bring up emotions for you. Im sure if she is a good friend she will understand. Suggest she bring someone else if she needs the company maybe give her the opportunity to bring a girlfriend or her mother instead. Last thing you need on your wedding day is you and your ex locking eyes as he gives you the puppy dog eyes. Know what i mean. Good Luck with your choice.
A resounding "no!" This ex seems up to trouble. It'd be one thing if you casually dated, but you were together for 3 years. No way!
I agree that it was rude of your coworker to even suggest it. I'm sure you've talked about it with her already, so you might feel like you've dug yourself into a hole. However, I would say something like, "I was talking to FI last night and we've decided that we're not comfortable with EX coming to the wedding - even though it has been years since we've broken up. I'm sorry if I'm inconveniencing you."
I vote no! I also think it's insensitive of your friend to want to bring him and really, this is not even someone she has been dating for a long time. I don't think you should use your +1 on someone you don't even want to have there. I also find it strange that he wants to come so badly and thinks it would be funny 
I would ask your friend to bring someone else. She should understand, afterall this is YOUR day! Good luck and keep us posted!
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No way. The last thing you want is him at your reception making jokes like, "Hey, sure you don't want one last fling?" etc.
NO! why on EARTH would she even ask that. I would just tell her that you prefer she not invite him to the wedding. I'm still friends with a few old boyfriends. i even met one out for a beer with my new hubs right after the wedding. And its one thing if you maintained a friendship and to invite them to the wedding. But i your situation I would say it would be best that he not come. It would just be slightly awkward, and you don't want feel self conscience about that on your wedding day.
I'm with Belle and ejs4y8. I'd definitely worry about his motives, since he thinks "it would be so funny". If it were me, I'd have to answer "no".
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Definitely going to say a big, fat NO to this one. More out of respect for your future husband, and your pending nuptials. This guy is overly anxious to attend your wedding, which makes me nervous! There is nothing good that could come out of this situation, especially since he holds a big part of your past.
His "it would be so funny" response to me tells me he doesn't respect my vows.
He gets a no invite for that alone. You don't go to a wedding b/c it's FUNNY.
MY wedding won't be funny. It will be a celebration of our love and a coming together of two families.
Does he attend funerals because they're funny too?
What I'd worry about is Mr. Funny (Giles) at the point in the wedding where the minister asks if anybody objects to this wedding, if this jokester stood up and said something off kilter/color to make it funny and of course, all about him.
Nothing more "funny" than telling people there "well I used to date the bride..for 3 years.." ha ha..he's so hilarious.
NO invite for him.
I agree with Cannotwait-
If the two of them were in a serious commited relationship that is one thing. But him making comments to you, and wanting to go to your wedding. I'm sorry- but if he is a charmer he seems like he isn't an element you need on your wedding day. You need to focus on your day and not extraneous history staring at you in your face. I know you are a bigger person- but deep down I think it's an added stressor you don't need. Especially since you know how he 'works' and how he 'is' and seeing your friend with him would just muster up protective mechanisms you really don't need (either for yourself or your friend who is seeing him).
Just ask yor friend to bring another gal-pal who she is mutually closer with to you & ask she only bring someone else who she has a more established relationship with. (that you don't have a history with). ;o)
Furthemore, you said memories flooded back when you saw Giles.
If this is the case, he definitely does NOT need to be anywhere in the vicinity when you pledge your love and your life to your FI.
I think if you feel weird about having him at the wedding, even the tiniest bit weird, then talk with your friend. Ask her to bring another friend and that no ex-girl/boy friends will be there.
Your wedding day is about you and your FI. Perhaps you wouldn't even notice him, but why chance it? Why does Giles even want to be invited? It sounds strange. If I knew an ex of mine was getting married, I would never think of attending just out of respect for the couple. I agree with ejs4y8 that he sounds creepy - and possibly manipulative.
Your friend will survive one day without him - even though she just got out of a relationship. It's nice of you to consider her feelings, but I doubt this decision of yours would break a relationship with them (or else they've got other problems).
NO,
This is your and you fiance's wedding. Given the history, I don't think it is appropriate to have him there, however harmless it might appear. He is an ex, and one that you don't even keep in touch with anymore. He doesn't need to be there.
It is one thing to have a friend bring a guest whom you don't know as their date to your wedding. It is another story to have a friend bring your ex to your wedding. That just seems wrong. It is understandable that your friend does not want to be alone, but she should also respect how strange it will make the situation to bring him there. You don't want any distractions, concerns, any possible issues to arise from this.
Have you talked to you FI about this? This should be a joint decision from both of you. Good luck!
Thank you all for all the good advice!!! As most of you mentioned we definitely haven't stayed friends over the years, mostly b/c of his little antics like emailing me and trying to flirt with me. I think it would be best NOT to have him at the wedding to just make sure like Bellenga said, he doesn't go around telling people we used to date and how funny it is. I will have a chat with my friend and let you know again exactly how I feel and if she doesn't get it I'll say my FH isn't comfortable.
I love the wedding bee and all the good advice you gals have!
I say NO, this man should not be a part of your wedding day at all. While EX's at a wedding can be ok, this one is not - and it is totally within your rights to not want this man there.
Explain nicely to your co-worker, she should understand.
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I may have missed if someone else mentioned this, but what about the co-worker? It seems like he is just playing her to get to you and she either doesn't realize it or doesn't care. It's unfortunate either way. Wouldn't she rather bring someone who would be focused on being <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic">her date and not being there to try to cause an awkward situation. You realized you could do better and found your FI, she needs to realize she can do better too. The best of luck to you!
No no no. For all the reasons above, it is not okay for her to bring him. I don't care if you are over your ex or he is over you...whatever. It's your day and the fact that you feel uncomfortable with it is reason enough.
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Someone who thinks it would be funny to attend a wedding is someone who is planning to cause trouble. You are totally within your rights to say you aren't comfortable with him being there.
I'm voting NO also. If you were still good (kind ) friends, then that would be okay but since it seems a "funny" thing to him then No.
I stayed good friends with a previous ex-fiance, but he passed away 3 years ago. I know he would have definitely been invited to our wedding because we were able to move into being friends and putting the past wayyyy behind us.
Generally, that's hard to do, but if you have someone who respects you and your relationship with your FI, that's great. Sadly, that doesn't sound like what your ex is feeling.
i totally say no to him coming. i honestly think your friend/ co-worker is not so much of a friend even thinking of it.
how would your fiance feel if he knew? i tell you what, my fiance would be so mad and hurt. this is his day too... your wedding isn't her time, it's yours! i have an ex that way too and for me, i would not want him within a million miles of that church. not that i want him but what if a memory distracted you for a minute, thats not the day to face thos types of things...cause it would distract me for sure! just tell her it might upset your fiance and just tell her how you feel. i recent;y had a big problem with a friend of mine that had cheated & was going to be in the wedding and it was going to be hers and my fiance's first time seeing eachother since the whole cheating thing happened.
i decided thats not the day for those type of emotions, distractions, stress, or feelings! theres a time and a place and it shouldn't be a wedding day=/
i think it's rude...i take that back...VERY rude for your friend to even tell him maybe. i know some might get upset with me and maybe i don't know the whole story but...if it were me, i'd NEVER want to bring an ex of the brides with me to the wedding. what if he gets in some of the photos? when i have an ex, i want him in the past, not in my present or future...especially ones i've loved. your emotions and feelings are priority that day not hers or your exes. but, thats just my opinion.
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I say no...def no. It sounds like the only reason he is dating her is because he wants to come to the wedding. Why is he even talking to her about you. She shouldnt even be asking to bring him...Im sorry your in this mess. I think it would be rude if she did bring him...tell her to find another date.
I think you should leave it up to your co-worker. You can't control everything that everyone will say and do at the wedding. Plus, it seems like your wedding would be more uncomfortable for your ex than vice versa. You're the one getting married, he's still single.
I'm on the "NO!" side. I've always stuck to the superstition that it's bad luck for an ex to be at the wedding. Bottom line, I think it would be uncomfortable. I understand your need to respect your coworkers feelings but because she asked you your opinion, you have the right to say no.
My vote is also for NO. You really don't want any emotional distractions on your wedding day. I know how you feel. I had a few ex-boyfriends who have remained good friends of mine, and we only invited one of them to my wedding. I really didn't date him for very long (nothing like your 3 years with Giles- we're talking 4 months!) and who I have been friends with for 8 years since we dated. He was a mutual friend of both my husband and me, and our whole "group" of friends was coming, which he's a part of, so it was only right to invite him. Also, I'd built so many new memories with him as just friends, rather than as my boyfriend. But the other ex's, I felt like it would be a distraction and awkward situation.
Also, this girl is a co-worker of yours, not a super close friend right? Would you be heartbroken is SHE didn't come to your wedding? If you say he can't come, she may decide to come without him, or she'll decide to not come at all. Either way, it seems like a better option than having him there, especially if you two aren't super close. I also agree with the other ladies that it's weird and sketchy that he asked her to bring him. If it were me, I'd put my foot down and say no!
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I have a hard time with this and I would go towards the tell her no side. If she is truly a friend, she shouldn't even think about bringing him to YOUR wedding. I feel that if she has a hard time with it, then she shouldn't come either. It's a harsh way to feel, but I am very sensitive when it comes to friends and especially if it's their wedding day. He really wants you to be as uncomfortable at your wedding as possible, and despite the fact that you don't want him to feel like he has the upper hand, you want to enjoy your wedding.
This girl truly doesn't sound like she is that invested in your relationship to actually consider bringing this loser to your wedding. He's totally got her falling for his crap and he just wants to be a jerk and have her fall for his lines just to make both you and your fiance feel uncomfortable at your wedding. Tell her no and if she has that much of a problem with it, tell her not to come either. Good luck with your situation and just stand your ground.
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