Post # 1
Normally, I’d be advising people to say something, but in this case I’m torn. I’ll elaborate:
This girl is one of my closest friends. We used to go out with her and her SO (D) as couples a LOT, probably weekly and we’re all close. I’m closer with her than with her boyfriend and DH is close with him.
He moved further away for a new job so they are now three hours apart and seeing each other less (hence why we also go out less as couples). I went out for a glass of wine with my friend and she told me she’s concerned that he is withdrawing from her. He is a bit more distant and they speak less when they’re not together.
Anyway, I mentioned this to DH. He suddenly got this look on his face and said “I heard something from E.” E is another mutual friend of us all. E confided to my DH that an acquaintance had caught D all over another girl at a bar: kissing, hands up shirts, etc. We have no idea if D left with this girl or if more happened.
My friend has had a really difficult few months. I want more than anything to sit her down and be honest with her, but:
1) E has given D an ultimatum and said she will tell our friend next week if he doesn’t deal with this head on. He didn’t deny anything happening.
2) Someone I have never met told this to E, who told DH, who told me. I really don’t want to go in there and say “so, I *heard* that D did this but don’t know for sure”
I feel like I’m being dishonest but I also think they should deal with this themselves without interference. I’m so torn as to whether I should leave it to him to come clean or be honest with her. If he doesn’t, E definitely will and I’ll be there for her as much as she needs.
Urgh. Any advice?
Post # 3
It’s a really tough situation. I understand you wanting to protect your friend, but in this case, I wouldn’t say anything. At this point it’s like 4th hand information, which isn’t very reliable. You also don’t want to ruin your husband’s friendship with this man if it turns out not to be true. I think you should be there for your friend and help her when/if she finds out. If you manage to get more concrete evidence, then you could gently tell her if you want to.
Post # 4
@MrsSancerre: Since it’s been a bit like playing telephone ( a-friend-of-a-friend-told-your-husband-who-told-you), I would stay out of this.
Post # 5
Someone is going to tell her anyway, I wouldn’t beat that person to it!
Then see how she reacts to the news, and support her through it.
Post # 6
@MrsSancerre: i’d wait it out. E already gave D an ulitmatum. Your friend will find out, which she should. But I dont think you’re in the right position to be the one to tell her. Just be there for her when the truth comes out.
Post # 7
Thanks. That was my gut feeling. He’s made no attempt to even pretend it didn’t happen so I’m leaning towards it being true but I haven’t anything from anyone other my DH. I can’t say I agree with her ultimatum idea but there you go.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California
Since it sounds like someone is going to tell her, I wouldn’t say anything. What an awful situation to be in & I hope you support her in whatever choice she makes.
Post # 9
I think you should wait it out…
Don’t play the telephone game. If D doesn’t tell her the truth, then it’s time to talk. Until then, stay away!
Post # 10
Just to play devil’s advocate a little, my ex was sleeping with basically every female we knew, and someone I thought was a close friend knew about it and never told me. It was pretty hurtful that it felt like everyone but ME knew, even someone who I thought would be looking out for me.
Now, if he’s going to tell her, then I would let him. But if this drags out and he doesn’t let her know… I would probably pipe up.
Post # 11
My ex was cheating on me and everyone knew it but me. Well to be honest, I knew it, but was in denial, which is likely what’s happening here as well. I’m not mad that people didn’t tell me. I had to work through it on my own. I think you should keep quiet and just be there to support her. It will all come out eventually.
Post # 12
It’s none of your business, so stay out of it. People often shoot the messenger. I’d rather not get involved in people’s drama so there is no risk of it blowing up in face, which happened to me in the past. My friend was being cheated on, and he didn’t believe me. People believe what they want to and will lie to themselves. He stayed with the bitch and stopped talking to me…until he caught her cheating. Serves him right.
Post # 13
You are too far removed to tell her. When messages get passed from person to person info changes. I would let the people closer to the info say something.
A few yearss back, someone told a friend who told my boyfriend at the time that someone caught me with someone else in a park, which was absolutely not true. It really hurt me and it hurt our relationship because even though it wasn’t true he lost trust in me and that’s damaging. I really wish people had kept accusations to themselves. I don’t know why someone thought it was me or how it happened but needless to say not only did I lose my boyfriend but I stopped talking to all the people that accused me. I’m not saying in your friends case this is what happened, it sounds like someone close enough actually saw and confirmed it was him, but seeing as you aren’t close enough to the incident I would just keep quiet. Let it unfold on it own and be there for her when it happens.
Post # 14
Stay out of it, especially if someone else is going to be the messenger.
Post # 15
OP – theEguarantee has perfect advice for this. Please take it to heart.
Post # 16
I truly believe that if you did not see someone cheating with your own eyes, you need to keep your mouth shut. Anything that you did not directly witness is just gossip and rumors. Just be there for her as a friend, and be a shoulder to cry on.