Post # 1
My future mother in law went out and bought 156 wedding favors without consulting me…she has already packaged each one in a box with our names and wedding date on the labels. These favors are fake gems shaped like hearts; I had wanted edible wedding favors and was and still am planning on buying chocolates for our guests (because to me the only useful favors are edible favors). But I really don’t want to hand these out. I find them gaudy and utterly useless. I had told her that I had planned on having edible wedding favors, but she didn’t listen to me and bought these anyway. They don’t fit our personalities or interests and they don’t fit the theme of the wedding, which is vintage/travel. What would you do?
Also, things with my future mother in law have been tense anyway. I believe she has a personality disorder and is very preoccupied with losing her son, to the point where she has tried to convince him to get a pre-nup and told him that I am not marriage material and he could have picked someone better. She tried to become very controlling with the wedding; she pretended to be my mother in order to meet with my venue coordinator behind my back, she tried to hire a separate florist for church decor after I had already hired someone to do my bouquets, she missed 3 meetings I set up for her with my florist (when I tried to involve her after learning she was going to hire another florist) and then called my fiance telling him I stood her up when she was the one who missed the meetings. She yelled at my florist on the phone and my florist called me up saying she didn’t know what to tell her; she was mean to my venue coordinator who told me “I was a little bit terrified;” and she was very rude and yelled at the manager of a potential rehearsal dinner site when I also tried to involve her by having her meet at possible dinner venues. She has sent me text messages with paragraph upon paragraph insulting me, telling me how ungrateful and rude I am to the point where I was in tears and had to block her number to stop her from hurting me.
So should I even worry about hurting her feelings by not handing out her wedding favors? I really am embarrassed by them and it’s just not what we wanted. I did try to involve her in other ways, I let her pick our toasting glasses and Bible and some other cultural items (and I’m sure they will be as gaudy as possible, lol), but she has already been married 3 times…I feel like she had her chance to do things her way!
Post # 3
Yup, I wouldn’t worry about hurting her feelings. Even if she weren’t what sounds like a terrible, crazy person, I think it is really unfair for people to just make decisions about a wedding that is not their own and then make the bride/groom the “bad guy” by having to say no. It’s emotional blackmail.
Anyway, I would probably just do your own favors and not even address hers. Unless you think she would literally take it upon herself to put them out before your reception. Where is your FI in all of this?
Your FMIL should also be left out of all future wedding details. You’ve kind of made things worse for yourself by letting her know who all your vendors were. The second she went behind your back and contacted a vendor should have meant she was left in the dark about any other vendor.
Post # 4
@pitaya28: WOW! imagine how controling she is going to be when you have kids! Does your FI know about everything his mother is doing to you? I hate to say it but you need to stop having her help and completely cut her out of your life at least until the wedding is over. There are plenty of people who dont get along with their in-laws and have them seperate from their lives its obviously not a senerio they like but it happens. Honestly she is obviously doing this for control and to stop the wedding.. is this her only child? For now I say talk to your FI about this so he understands why you need to cut her out of your life and then see what happens after the wedding. Once the wedding is over she’ll pretty much realize that your in control now and if she wants any part of her grandchildrens life she should probably be nice to you or at least get to know you.
Post # 5
No way, don’t hand out that crap on your beautiful wedding day!!
Politely tell her that already have the gifts covered and don’t need her gifts. WHEN she throws her fit, also kindly let her know that she should be grateful she’s even invited to your wedding at this point.
Then hang up the phone. Don’t let her personality issues push you around or ruin your event.
Post # 6
@pitaya28: Yeah forget her feelings, she is crazy. You have already gone above and beyond to include her and make her feel involved. Do what you WANT. Sorry about the literally insane in laws…
Post # 7
@pitaya28: Um, no way. She sounds bat shit crazy.
But what you need to do is say thank you and take them. Do NOT say you’ll use them, just say thank you. And then hide them. I have a feeling if you tell her no that she’ll just end up bringing them and sneaking them out anyway.
Post # 8
Give them to your reception site, and have them hide them until after the reception is over so she can’t go behind your back and have them put those out instead of your (wonderful) chocolate favors!
Post # 9
I would have my fiance talk to her. It is his mom and his problem. He needs to stand up for you and tell her to back off.
Post # 10
@BrandNewBride: I was just thinking tHe same thing, but she will probably put them out anyways. I’d leave them at home…in a safe do she doesn’t harass the staff at the venue.
Post # 12
@pitaya28: First of all- once she started being purposely hurtful, you no longer had to worry about hurting HER feelings. Second- let your FI deal with his own mother. Hide the favors (since you KNOW she won’t/can’t take them back) and when she asks about them, tell her to ask her son. End. You don’t have to deal with her.
Post # 13
@pitaya28: Are your in-laws hosting the rehearsal dinner? If so, let her use the favors for that. She’ll have leftovers but that’s her problem. This will allow her to use her favors and feel involved, but since they are the hosts, the favors will not reflect back on you. Have your fiance suggest this idea to her, and I would approach it as if he would really like to have the favors for the rehearsal, rather than that you think they’re too gaudy for the wedding.
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
Yikes. Your FMIL sounds like a wackadoodle. Hopefully she will improve after the wedding. After reading all the insane, manipulative stuff she’s done (pretended to be YOUR MOM?) I would NOT feel bad at all about not using her cheesy favor idea.
I think your mom should say something to her about her pretending she was your mom. Absurd.
Post # 15
You think she has a personality disorder. Because of this her actions do not give you free reign to treat her badly. I think you’re fiance should speak to the rest of the family and they need to coordinate efforts to help her. She will be a part of your life in some form or fashion as long as she lives. Don’t start off on the wrong foot.
Post # 16
Why isn’t your FI stepping u[ and running interference on all this?