Weddingbee boards

Yikes. I disagree with the other posters.

If she were my mother I would tell/make her address the problem.

Teeth aren't cosmetic!  There can be serious health consequences to not taking care of your mouth/teeth- infections, bone deterioration, etc.  And given that she's a smoker she's at an increased risk for oral cancer (which most dentists screen you for when you go in for a checkup).

I don't think you should say anything.  However, I think your FI definitely should.  Use her embarrassment as a tool to encourage her to address it.  Explain the health consequences of pretending her teeth aren't rotting out of her mouth!!!!

If she had a gangrenous foot that was rotting off, would you think it impolite to discuss it with her or would you force the issue and get her treatment?

If she were my mother in law I would tell my husband that it was necessary she be treated and that if she couldn't afford it, we would find the money to pay for it.

I know people think of teeth/smiles as something cosmetic.  But her teeth are not just crooked or discolored- they are falling out!!  That's not cosmetic- it's medical.

It may be uncomfortable for your FI to talk to her about it, but I do think it's medically indicated.

Lots of dentists can work out payment plans.  Credit card companies like Capital One have special credit for medical purposes with low interest rates.  Dental schools often have clinics where the rates are very reasonable.  Look into those things.  I really do think this is a important.  If she doesn't have health consequences now, she most likely will in the future.

She should definitely have the potential mouth disease issue assesed first and foremost - wedding or not.  Her son should feel comfortable talking to her about her health.  I know it might come across like he is saying it for cosmetic reasons, so he must tread lightly...but oral health affects overall health & she needs to have it checked out!

I do think it's a difficult topic to bring up.  I can't imagine having to discuss something like this with my inlaws (but I would force my husband to do it!).

Can you perhaps gather some info- like that pamphlet and have your FI write a note to his mom and leave it at her home on a future visit, saying, "I left something for you to think about on the kitchen table."

The note could say, "Mom, you know I love you and think you are beautiful, but I'm worried about how your teeth are impacting your happiness and, most importantnly, your health.  I think it's important that you get treatment right away.  We know how expensive it is, so Tartar and I are going to help you find a way to get the treatment you need- either by contributing financially or helping you find insurance/payment plans/etc.  It would put my mind at ease to know that you don't have an underlying health problem that is contributing to the situation with your teeth.  I wrote this in a note because I didn't want to put you on the spot, but please let me know how you feel about it and what you'd like to do.  Love, FI"

I hope that she will be receptive to your help.  Even if she's not, you and your FI can at least feel that you have done your best to help her.

It sounds liek your fil is a sweet person.  And you have a good relationship with her.  I think the timing here is not good.  You have admitted that her teeth would be unpleasant for the wedding.  Despite sincerely wanting her to be healthy, I think it will mainly come across to her that this is mostly about the wedding.  that will hurt  her feelings, even if FI says it.  Otherwise, this would have been brought up before.

Which makes me ask, has this been brought up before?  If your FI talks to her, it is a generous offer to help her pay for the procedures.  But  I wouldn't let your Fi tell her that you are part of the deal.  (that also makes it sound like it is part of the wedding)  I think he would need to try to rally any other siblings, to make it seem like everyone is interested in helping her. 

Also, she might be completely terrified of the dentist.  I can't imagine anyone with teeth like that is simply thinking, that time has slipped away from them, and had been meaning to make an appointment.  There is a major reason why she has not gone to the dentist.  And truly if her health was that big of a concern to her family, I would think it would have come up sooner.

@ Tanya- I can appreciate what you are saying about the timing making this seem to be about the wedding, but honestly, does it really matter when a person's health and well being are at stake?  This could be a serious health problem- why wait just because it might appear to be wedding-related?

Also- so what if she is afraid of the dentist?  What if she was afraid of the gynecologist?  Would it be acceptable to never get a pap smear and risk dying of cervical cancer? Or afraid of the proctologist so she could die of colon cancer?  You see where I'm going with this?  Fear is not a reason to allow a loved one to neglect their health.  I am VERY afraid of the dentist- having had a horrible one as a child.  It's so bad that the last time I went in to have work done I had to ask the dentist for a prescription for Valium (only the 2nd time I had every had any, the first being before a surgery).  There are ways to deal with the fear and anxiety.

I don't think it matters if the motivation is superficial or genuine- it's a medical issue that Tartar and her future husband can help address.  Also- the reason I think the offer of financial aid should come from both of them is that they are getting married and will have joint finances- the FMIL should understand that they are both willing to help.

@ Dezziemon- I'm sorry to hear about your dad.  I wish he and your family well in the coming months.  I hope sharing his story helps people to understand the risks.

It's not that I'm opposed to discussing these problems with her.  And her health is very important.   In fact they should be discussed at some point.  But we still don't know some things about this story. 

When is the wedding?  If there isn't enough time for her to get the work done, I definitely don't recommend telling her before the wedding. As there is nothing that can be done, but make her feel ashamed.

Also, I like Niki, have concerns about the "why" of this being brought up.  It would be good to get the teeth corrected (which is right) even if for self centered reasons (my wedding).  And if there was no wedding, I would hands down recommend talking to her.  However, I think if the approach comes off as "your going to embarrass us", damage could be done.  She's already self conscious about it.  What if she doesn't show to the wedding?  Or this causes family problems?  Your FI who knows her best, thinks she'll be too hurt.  That doesn't mean she doesn't need to know what's at stake, but the fact that this is about the wedding could cause more harm than good if discussed, now.   

 The expense of what she is looking at is great.  Are you and your fiance aware of the price before you start offering help?  What if she gets her hopes up to get her teeth fixed and it is still way more than you and she together can pay?  Ask yourself if it's important enough for you to sacrifice some of your wedding budget.

What if this was after the wedding.  Would you still bring it up?  Would you be willing to pay for the dental work? 

I guess I'm a little frustrated that if this was a big concern  why it hasn't been brought up before.  It's not all the new information that oral care is linked to heart health.  But I understand, better late than never.

If your FI does talk to her, maybe in offering to pay for the dental work, he can try to say something like, "I notice when you talk to people you've developed some mannerisms that tell me you aren't happy with your teeth....."  if she asks if it's about the wedding, maybe he can say no but that if she is concerned about it with some of the attention she gets as MOG, he'd be willing to pay for the dental work as a gift.

 That's the best I can do.