Post # 1
I could really use some advice on how to handle my future mother-in-law. She’s never been a really warm person and doesn’t seem to feel to kindly towards the wives of her other sons. She definitely not happy that I’m marrying her son. When she found out we were engaged she wouldn’t even say “Congratulations” and couldn’t even look at my ring!
Now that we’re starting to plan the wedding, she’s making outrageous demands. I’d always wanted to have a smaller wedding – about 100 people just close friends and family. She’s now insisiting on inviting just about every branch of her extended family which is over 150 people! And that’s just her family list (not even her friends!) alone! I’m completely appalled that she’d even suggest doing this, especially since she’s not putting a cent towards the wedding! I suggested that she create a list of who she “had to have” at the wedding and who would be “nice to have,” so we could get the numbers down. Not suprisingly, everyone ended up on the “had to have” list.
She’s also wanting us to change the day of our wedding so it would be more convenient for her and her family. We picked our day for the reason that it was one of the few dates that worked for us. My fiance is trying to be nice and talk to her, but she won’t budge! I know she doesn’t like me already, so I can’t imagine what our relationship is going to be like after the wedding! Please HELP!
Post # 3
Don’t change your date, it’s a good one! I guess I’m confused on how she can demand anything. Does she not realize she doesn’t really get a say? It’s your wedding, do it how you want. I guess the only thing you can really do is say thanks for the input but we’ve decided on _______. Also while FI trying to be nice and talk to her is probably a good first step, it might now be the time for him to let her know, perhaps more assertively, that this isn’t her wedding, but you will take her wishes into consideration, but the decision is ultimately yours.
Post # 4
Tell her if she wants to pay then she can invite whoever she wants, otherwise it’s up to your and your fiance.. and its not up to her which day you get married. It’s next year so her and her family can make the day available if they want to come.
Post # 5
You know what? Be rude if you have to. I mean, why not? She doesn’t like you already, so it’s not like there’s going to be any love lost. Based on the fact that she doesn’t like her other daughters-in-law either, it sounds to me like she’s one of those women who doesn’t think anyone but HER is good enough for her sons.
She’s not paying for a cent for this wedding. It’s a big party that she’s not hosting, so where does she get off thinking that she has any right to invite 150 people? I think you’ve got to push this onto your fiance. It’s his job to choose which relatives he wants to include, and it will be his responsibility to answer to his mother for it. There’s no reason that YOU should have to decide which third cousins make the cut and which ones don’t – you don’t even know these people!
If she’s going to be unpleasant either way, you (or your fiance) have got to stand her down, regardless of how ugly it’s going to be. You have to be unequivocal and explain that your budget simply doesn’t support all the people she wants to invite. End of story.
Post # 6
@Natalieh86: definitely agree.
If she isn’t paying, she doesn’t get a say. period. and whatever you do, DO NOT let her pay!!! for anything! THEN she WILL get a say.
Your FI needs to tell his mom that it is NOT her wedding, or her day, and she doesn’t get a say. As for the guest list, have your FI go through it with you and par it down to size. If she doesn’t like it, too bad.
If you have to, tell her there will be a host/hostess that will be checking names off at the door so that uninvited guests (by you) do NOT get in the door and WILL be turned away. Make sure SHE doesn’t give an alternative list to whoever is guarding the door. 😉
good luck!!!! and so sorry you’ve gotta deal with this!!!
Post # 7
It’s one thing to be accommodating to your future husbands side of the family (like not having it someplace none of them can travel to) but it’s another to have to put up with ridiculous demands like changing the date or inviting your MILs friends. We didn’t have ANY of our parents friends at our wedding because it would have been huge.
Tell your fiance that he needs to tell her to stop. He needs to stand up to her and you shouldn’t be put in the middle. It’s great that she’s not paying because then she definitely doesn’t get to dictate how things go.
Post # 8
No pay = no say. Toss her guest list and only invite the people you and your FI actually want there.
If she complains, tell her it’s not in your budget to have that many extended family members attending. Once you and your FI have chosen a venue, you can use the space constraints argument too.
Avoid talking about wedding plans in her presence, and if she makes any more “demands” or tries to force her opinions on you, politely tell her you’ll consider it and change the subject.
Post # 9
Thank you for all of your great feedback! I know I’m going to have to take a stand since this will only be the start of her demands.
Post # 10
@maggie4131: Yeah if you let her start pushing you around now, it’s just going to get worse. Imagine if you have children (assuming you don’t already), that would get super ugly.
Post # 11
We had a small wedding. What worked for us was to give our parents specific numbers. They could have this many people and not go over. That way they really do have to figure out their “must haves.”
As for the date, that’s crazy. I would just book the venue and officiant for the date you want and let your fi break the news to her.
Post # 12
I think your date is fabulous!!! 😉 I’m so sorry this is happening! FI and I want a small wedding as well and FMIL wants to invite hundreds of people! We’re still trying to work out all the details ourselves! We’re dealing with quite a few issues as well and I hope you guys can get it worked out! If they’re not paying, they have no say. Do what you want 😉 Good luck!