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Do not go to the bach party - it doesn't sound like she would want you there anyway. What a brat, I am sorry you have to deal with this!!
I wouldn't go and I wouldn't offer to help with anything related to her wedding either. She sounds really immature and selfish... but what can you do? I would just try and ignore her and focus on how amazing and beautiful your wedding will be!
I wouldn't go if I were you! She clearly doesn't want you to be involved in the wedding anyway so why should you celebrate anything with her unless you are obligated - Don't go!
Don't go. And send the same note back. No. No response.
Leave her with her drama and let her dig her own hole with everybody seeing her negativity. It will come back to haunt her.
Did she watch seinfeld or something? I mean is she celebrating like he did with the "Year of George" or something? Geez I was never made aware you can declare an entire YEAR just to the sheer glory of yourself ya know?
whew ... glad to hear I'm not crazy and you guys agree with me!
I say...go. Go to the Bach party. Right now, it may feel ridiculous and you want to protest as much as you can; but go!
There're two reasons to go:
1. Go and tell all her friends that you are getting married, too! (steal the thunder a bit) and that "you don't know why but it's unfortunate that your SIL cannot make it (to yours)." (my guess is that her friends already know she's a little princess - give them all the confirmation you need to give them and let them know that you are a much better person - next thing you know, all her friends will be saying to your SIL how much they love her new SIL to be!) ... do you get my drift?
2. It makes you a better person. Right now you don't want to; but in 5 years, or 10 years, or way later when your children may be looking at the pictures (yikes!), you'll come out in the better light. And, you'll feel better that you took the high road.
I say GO!
Although she is being a brat, I can understand where she is coming from. Within months of our engagement, my dad and sister both got engaged! I was (privately, only with FI and my mom) freaking out and saying "why is this suddenly a TREND?" I would be horrified if their wedding date was anywhere close to mine, and thankfully it isn't.
I am not a spoiled brat, and would never act the way your FSIL is...but I can imagine that she is genuinely hurt.
I am also not saying that you (or my dad, or my sister) did anything wrong. Marriage is a wonderful event! The engagement of both couples is still very exciting to me...It is more the fact that the timing stinks! More so when you were the first...maybe it is like being a first child when the 2nd is born. The shared attention is a downer.
I would ignore her behavior, and just know where it is coming from. It probably isn't personal.
Wow. Terribly immature little brat! And at 26, how sad.
Just say no and keep everything cool and collected. You're more mature than her and it'll drive her bonkers if you act like your'e "too good" to attend her stuff anyways. She'll learn the hard way to think before you speak/act
I don't think you should go to her bachelorette! If you go, she will probably ignore you or make you feel even worse and it would just be a complete waste of time. I think at a certain point (especially after making the effort), you can totally be excused from having to be the bigger person all the time. I think people like your SIL crave attention in any form so the best way to get to her is to just ignore her :)
Good luck!
P.S. I'm glad your FI agrees with you on her behavior!
Thanks heathaah for your honesty. Part of me knows that this what she is thinking. I feel that I am very respectful of her feelings. I try not to talk about my wedding at their family events, I always ask about her wedding without adding in facts about mine. Her wedding is 4 months after mine and there will only be about 6 people at my wedding that will be at hers.
I guess what hurts is that she was involved in everything for her fiance's sister's wedding b/c she wouldn't want to look bad in front of his family - even though she was mad that they got engaged at the same time! But she has no problem being so rude and insulting to me!
I just worry that we will never get passed this and there will be hard feelings for a long time going forward!
I agree with heathaah that it probably is not personal, but that is no excuse for anyone to act that way. People get engaged and married every day. I totally understand wanting the attention (who doesn't love some attention! haha!) but really, it is your day, not month and especially not YEAR! She clearly does not understand this and it is easier for her to put you down in front of her family cause they are her family. Just curious, where is your FI during this? I don't think it would be ok, or even good, for you to call her out on her behavior, but her brother/your FI could and should! (and good for him for seeing her actions the way they are and not just glossing it over as the way his sister is)
Now, regarding the bachelorette party...it is probably a good thing she is not coming to yours. She would most likely say something that would tick you off and make for a crappy evening. Since you have no real part in her wedding, you are not obligated to go. Could you make plans with another couple, your family or girlfriends and just tell her that you had these plans for a long time and you are sorry you can't make her party. That way, you are not having to go to something you don't want to go to and you are also continuing to be the bigger person by not just saying "no" but actually having a reason to not go.
Good luck and I hope the situation improves soon!
wow, she is a...well I won't say that word here. I would not go, you have made more than your share of attempts to be the bigger person. Good luck, ignore her, and just enjoy your wedding planning...because at the end its only you and your soon to be hubby that matter. Best wishes. :)
I would go to the bach party if I could. Since when did an eye for an eye make sense?
She just sounds immature. Someone should really tell her that she gets a DAY not a YEAR. On the bach party front -- maybe she can't afford to go, or has other obligations?
You get a wedding DAY, not a wedding YEAR! We've had one wedding on each side of the family this year in addition to ours and I'm happy for both couples! I wouldn't go to the party if it were me. Once I hit 30, I didn't care about being the bigger person anymore. :)
I can see being upset if a wedding is close to yours, but when it's people you REALLY care about (immediate family) you should just be happy that they're happy and engaged!! So she's being ridiculous!!!
My FSIL is so similar to yours. She's the only girl out of 5 kids and was DOTED on and spoiled. She's less than a year younger than me, but acts like she's 10 years younger. I could go on and on about her childishness. She was kicked out of a wedding previously (as MOH!!!) and when we got engaged, to my horror, first thing she said was "oh I can't wait to be a bridesmaid I bet you'll let us all pick our own dresses and yada yada yada" (and no... I did not let them!)
So even though my FH feels how you do (didn't care if she was in it, hates how embarassingly childish she is) I let her be in it. Until she got mad at me and her brother over a stupid disagreement (literally tiny and she threw a toddler fit) she started talking badly about us and especially about our wedding and how she wouldnt' spend a damn dime on us yada yada. So all these complaints came back to me (I'm making a VERY long story short) and eventually I overheard her tell her brother (a groomsman) "At least you can rent a tux, I have to F%&ing BUY a dress!" To which I said that she wouldn't have to and I have heard she doesn't want to be in it so i assume she isn't.
She's changed her tune to back to being a whiny baby but we are sooo much more drama-free without her! Especially her brothers who are always sick of her entitled attitude.
The moral of my story- don't bend. If you dont' feel welcome don't go. Continue to be happy for her but don't worry that she isn't for you... people tend to notice and it's how YOU act that matters! You will be so much happier!
I agree with the other posts. Don't waste your time going to hers. It will just make you feel bad. Plus, you know the old saying 'You are who you hang with'? Her friends are probably just as self-centered and rude.
Add me to the list of bees who would not go. She's had no problem talking about you like that in front of family, imagine how much worst she'll be in front of her friends.
No, you are not crazy, and I completely understand why you are hurt by her behavior. Is there a separate thread where we can unleash our SIL frustrations? If so, I'd like to chime in!
I've been struggling for two years to build any kind of positive relationship with my SIL with my efforts being matched with icy silence at best, passive-aggressiveness at norm. It was especially hard on my husband at first - she is his only sister, and he, too, wanted us to be close. I thought that she was mature and family-oriented (she has a professional degree, and is several years older); her behavior was shocking to me, and it took me a long time to see it as her problem - not mine. I finally have walked away from trying to participate in her life and please her (on the recommendation of my amazing husband, who saw what was happening), and though I still have pangs of sadness that we are not closer - especially now that she is pregnant - it's up to her to make the next move. I will always keep that door open, but it's her turn to walk through. And if she never does...well, so be it.
I think your SIL has made it clear, in every way possible, that she would prefer a distant relationship with you. I would be my advice to sit out the bach party, with a nice note declining attendance. I don't think that your attendance will make things better, nor do I think that your decline will make it any worse (though I wouldn't not recommend copying her words verbatim, though tempting - no need to fuel the fire). It's kind of you to include her in your events and to be the bigger person...leave the door open for her, but don't waste your own time, and heart, trying to pull her through kicking and screaming.
Have a FANTASTIC bach party, and try not to worry about her!
If that were me, I'd have my fiance put her in her place - she shouldn't treat her SIL that way! I have a few other friends who will be getting married next year and I'm so excited that we're all engaged and can do wedding stuff together. Don't go to the bachelorette party, she'll probably just annoy you and you'll be put in a situation where you'll wanna get the heck outta there! Some people turn into someone else once they get engaged, hopefully her bridezillaness wears off soon!
@Heethah - I totally feel you! I got engaged in December (2008) and immediately set my wedding date for December 19, 2009. In about March, my dad told me he was planning on getting married - no date yet. Then in June, I was informed he would be getting married August 1, 2009. NOW, my sister just got engaged and is getting married on December 26, 2009!!! Yes, the Saturday right after my wedding and the night before I leave for my honeymoon! WTH????
So, I totally understand the feeling of others not respecting my time! I don't understand why all of sudden everyone HAS to get married right now after my fiance and I were dating for 5 years when we got engaged. At the same time, I know it's not my place to tell others when they should get married. I hate it and have complained to my mom, but not to my sister or dad.
However, she (your FSIL) is being very bratty about it. I think there are much better ways to handle the problem. Do not go to her bachelorette party!
How far apart are your actual wedding dates?
snap! don't go, save your money :) with her acting like that, I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't the only one thinking hard about attending.
I'm supposed to get a whole YEAR? I've been so shortchanged!
Why didn't anyone tell me? I thought I was just supposed to have MY DAY!
;p
Since when is a wedding about ONE person?
She sounds like a brat.
Thank goodness you don't have to go - and I wouldn't. Especially because a night with her like that and her friends supporting her acting like that would only end in drama.
And no one needs childish drama. :)
Take your 'Get out of Jail free' card and run!
I am a big believer that if someone treats you in a hateful way, the best response it to counter with love...
I might write a really heartfelt note saying that you're sorry that you guys have the wedding in the same year, and sometimes you get the feeling that she's upset with you about the timing of your wedding. And that you're not sure to do, but that you'll just give her some space and sit out her bachelorette party so she can enjoy her night. But that you hope one day to build a strong relationship, and understand that it might take time.
Good luck!!
I don't think that you need to go to her party. She clearly doesn't want you there and you don't want to be there. Don't give her the opportunity to get a bunch of drinks into her and slag you to your face again. You're going to spend the rest of your life having to deal with her silliness, there's no reason you have increase the amount of time you spend with her! Some people can't be reasoned with and it sounds like you've been more than considerate in this situation. She sounds like a witch and I feel sorry for her future hubby! Lol!
I think attempting to talk to her would be a really good idea - but it may just work better after the weddings!
If I were you - I wouldn't go to the bachlorette party ... you'll be miserable!
Just because you're family doesn't mean you'll be friends. There's no need to go to her bach. party and it doesn't sound like it would be fun for you. I would just distance yourself as much as possible until her wedding is over. Be glad you are not a member of the bridal party as this sounds like it would be torture!
Wow. Her thinking is so off. I mean .. ruin the pictures? How could a SIL ruin a picture if the wedding is over anyway? Her comments are obviously meant to hurt you and are directed to you to upset you.
Why isn't her behavior called out? What do her parents think of this? Why doesn't someone stand up to her?
I think Mr. Bee has good advice. I'm curious what happened since you last posted Miss Cherry.
It sounds like one reason she feels like she can get away with beign a brat is because she's already a part of your FI's family, and can speak her mind. Whereas you mentioned how she bites her tongue better with her Fi's family to get on their good side. That shows more malice than simple spoiledness and immaturity, IMO. She knows how to put the breaks on her ugly feelings. But chooses not to do it around you.
Do you think it is really just aobut the wedding? Or is she jealous in some way? You said you are not in her wedding. Is she in yours?
I'm with MrBee on this one... it might be hard, but consider it an investment now towards your future relationship with her. Afterall, this isn't a coworker or old college friend we're talking about, this is your SISTER-in-law. Like, gonna be around forEVER. Sounds like you even live close. Why add fuel to the drama fire?
Buuuut I don't think her behavior is really okay either. A letter might be an easy way to get her to reality check her own behavior.
My first reaction to whether you should go to her shower or not was that I would call her, and ask point blank, "I know you're upset that our wedding is in the same year as yours, and lately you've been acting a little hostile to me, presumably because of it, but I really value my relationship with you as a future sister, so I was just calling to check - do you REALLY want me to come to your shower? Or are you just being polite in asking? I mean, honestly. Because if it'll be easier for you to not have me there, I'm cool with that. But if you want me to share this special day with you, I'd like it."
Duh she'll have to say she wants you there, BUT it will make her aware of what a baby she's being. Benefit of phone call? She can't show it to anyone else. Downside? She can claim you said anything she wants.
MrBee's letter seems like a safer bet, if you take the time to word it VERY carefully. Don't add unintentional fuel to the fire!
On one hand I would LOVE to say no and give no response as to why. But I have found, in my job and outside life, that when you kill someone with kindness and win over all of their friends people tend to see the little brats for exactlly what they are. Good luck to you!
I'm not a religious person or even superstitious...But one thing that i do believe in is KARMA. She'll get what's coming her way sooner or later.
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I need some advice on how to handle a situation with my future SIL. She is 10 years younger than me and is also getting married this year. She got engaged in September and I got engaged to her brother in November. If that wasn't bad enough her fiance's sister got engaged the same week as me. Needless to say my future SIL is none to happy that she has to share her wedding year. She thinks that this year (as well as every year) should be just about her and her wedding. Although she says she has no problem with me getting married at the same time her actions speak a totally different story! Here are a few snipits of her actions ...
1. I had to sit at the table while she told everyone the story about when a bride called the bridal story she was working at and wanted to purchase another bridesmaid dress for her brothers new fiance she advised her "Oh sister, don't even bother adding the new sister-in-law! You should never put a sister-in-law in a wedding, she'll just ruin all of your pictures when the marriage doesn't work out ... take it from me I know! And I would never do it!"
2. She remarked to a cousin while I was sitting right next to her, that she would have thought that since she waited this long for her wedding she would have had the whole year to herself. When I tried to make light of the situation by saying "Well really, I've been waiting a heck of a lot longer ..." she cut me off by saying "yeah ... we're talking about me here!"
3. She has included every sister, brother, niece, nephew and Brother-in-law in her wedding from her side and her fiance's side - except for me. I am the only person not in her wedding in any sort of capacity!!
Now here is the kicker and this is the one I need advice on ... My bachorelette party is in a few weeks and she finally RSVP'd and said "Won't be able to make it. Have fun." No explanation given! And no personal note to me to explain and/or apologize! So ... her bachorlette party is coming up... so ... do I attend hers? I am so hurt by her childish acts that I have no desire to attend. I have spent the last year and a half trying to build a relationship with her and her family and I feel that this is a slap in the face. And frankly, I'm tired of being the bigger person!
My FI is fine with me not going and he is really embarrased and mad about his baby sister's childish behavior!