My future SIL pins her boyfriend agianst me- long but please read! :)

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
3644 posts
Sugar bee

I hear you, about the annual holiday card thing. My daughter dated her husband, for 9.5 years, before they were married. Her first appearance, on his family’s annual card, wasn’t when they were engaged – it was a photo taken at their wedding. We always included him, and the other now-fiance, in our holiday letter and photos, that we e-mail/mail every year.

She’s immature. Don’t tell her anything about your wedding plans or have her there when you make any decisions. I woulnd’t be surprised if she’d do something dramatic, like set her date before yours, just to spite you. As I just told my daughter, don’t set high expectations, of other people, so you won’t be dissapointed in what they do.

Post # 3
6666 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

It is sad that she thinks this is a competition.  Because she is never going to “win”.  What does FI say?  I’d let him deal with this since it is his family.

Post # 4
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

She sounds ridiculous. I agree with PABride. Keep her in the dark with your wedding plans and don’t talk about it with her around. That’s what I had to do with certain members of DHs family. 

Post # 5
2818 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Please don’t share with her when your wedding is. Let her find out when she receives the invitation. 

Post # 6
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Why did her bf being included on the Christmas card hurt your feelings? Clearly, she spoke up in defense of her man ans her relationship to get him included. Just because you are engaged doesn’t mean you are wife and therefore legally family. To me that’s not a big deal.

Now, just overall ccompetitiveness is tiring and annoying. Nip it in the butt. Next time she starts with something just say ” this is not a competition. ” Draw her attention to what she is doing. If it continues have a heart to heart with her since you are close to her.

Post # 7
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

onedaymrsC: This is certainly a difficult situation. Mine isn’t quite the same as yours, but there are some common themes. In my case, DH has a sister who is 4 years younger (now 21) and has been dating a guy that my MIL absolutely LOVES. The competitiveness actually comes more from my MIL than my SIL. When DH and I got engaged, his mother gave us a very hard time, and 7 years into our relationship, I still feel like she’s expecting me to prove myself to her, like I’m not good enough to be part of their family. It’s taken a great deal of effort for me to stop trying to please her, and just focus on my relationship. Because honestly, DH and I are wonderful together. 

I was not included in the family photos until DH and I were married, and I was okay with that. I wasn’t “officially” part of the family until then anyway. But, my MIL is so crazy about SIL’s boyfriend (who is a nice guy, but not worth writing home about, in my opinion) that she has already started including him in photos at our family reunions and get-togethers. So, the double standard is glowing like a neon sign, and for a long time, I really let it get to me, to the point that I actually started getting jealous of my SIL! I wanted to be accepted like she and her boyfriend are. And I still do, but now I try to focus my energy on my own relationship, because that’s all I can do. And that’s my advice to you. I think you’re 100% correct in everything you’ve said, and I wish things were different between you and your SIL, but the only thoughts and actions you can control are yours.

I have come to the realization that, even if I do everything the way my MIL would want me to, she’ll never be happy with me. There will always be SOMETHING to pick on. I don’t have a whole lot of faith that my SIL and her boyfriend will stay together long-term, but my MIL is already talking about their wedding (haha) and how great it’s going to be, and because I know her, I know that she says that in front of me because she wants me to think she’s going to outdo my wedding. And I don’t care. My wedding was the best day of my life, and it’s immortalized in beautiful memories that she can’t change or take away. Hopefully my SIL will have a lovely wedding too, whenever it happens.

I apologize for the long-winded story. I wanted to be thorough in case there’s something in my experience that resonnates with you. I think your plan of taking the high road is an excellent idea, and who knows if it will ever stop? Life changes. Who knows what direction your future SIL’s life will take. I think jealousy and competitiveness are very context-based, and often symptomatic of insecurity. The only thing you can do is wait and see.

Post # 8
2064 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

onedaymrsC:  how old is this girl? She sounds very immature. 

Post # 9
3644 posts
Sugar bee

 onedaymrsC:  I assume you’ll have control of the list of photos, that the photographer takes at your wedding. Make sure the boyfriend isn’t in any of the “family” photos, since I’m assuming he won’t be a legal member of the family, at that time. Sure, SIL will have a fit, but then you won’t have to see her pouting face, in any of the photos, either.

Post # 10
5968 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017


onedaymrsC:  I think you’re fueling the fire by getting hurt or annoyed over her antics. So she wants her boyfriend in the photo too. She makes herself look foolish, as long as you are included and you are happy with that, who cares what she demands or what his family does. It’s their photo and if they are going to let her include him, so be it. I don’t really understand why there are hurt feelings over that.

As for the rest of her behavior, I would smile and always be gracious and let her be the one to make herself out to be a bratty girl. So she competes with you in regards to her SO. Let her. You are engaged, happy and settled. smile and nod and move on.

Post # 11
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Maybe she is frustrated because her long term relationship is not being recognized while her brother’s is. It’s not fair that she’s taking that out on YOU but I can understand why it would bother her that you’re involved and invited to all these things, while her long term boyfriend is not. I don’t see why an engagement should bring you automatically into the fold and mean he is automatically excluded.

Post # 12
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Unforutnatly, this is one of those situations where your FILs and your FI will have to deal with most of it.  Be gracious about being included where you are included.  Don’t throw a fit when you are not included, or that your FSIL’s BF is being included early.  I think I would get the most satisfication about being the bigger person, and your FILs will probably be happier if you don’t rise to her level. 

I bet that your FILs at one point talked you up to FSIL and compared you to her boyfriend in a negative way.  She now feels like she needs to defend him to her parents, or she feels like when he isn’t included it is a deliberate snub to her and her relationship.   Either way, it’s her issue to deal with.

I would stand your ground about including FSIL’s BF in your wedding.  He doesn’t get into family pictures. 

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