My girlfriend wants to be engaged, I don't know if I am ready

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

If you aren’t fully committed to the idea of marriage/kids then you shouldn’t feel forced to participate in either. If she walks because of this I feel like she isn’t respecting your wishes enough. Both parties have to be on board. 

Post # 3
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

alisis4:  Have you talked with her about a realistic timeline when you think you would be ready? I know it can be hard to predict, but I think it would fair for her to know when you might be ready. It’s not right to leave her hanging/being strung along, just like it’s not fair for you to be pressured into marriage. 

You two have been together for a decent amount of time and 26 isn’t super young. I would think you can both have a serious, mature conversation about your future and come up with a reasonable timeline that is a compromise. 

Post # 5
Member
222 posts
Helper bee

alisis4:  this is a toughie…but the only way to know is to be truly honest with yourself. I know that the age difference and your gf being older may have a big part to do with her pushing for marriage and kids. And as you’ve said, it’s understandablE. You’re both committed to one another and it’s great that you feel you have a loving relationship. You have been together for some time so marriage as a next step only makes sense. But if you feel that perhaps you being somehwhat doubtful about nuptials and wanting kids in the near future, then you need to have a serious discussion with your gf. Being engaged should be something you don’t feel forced to do. And by no means am I saying your gf is nagging you to do so. But ask yourself this. Had your gf not brought up the marriage timeline, would you have considered getting engaged anytime soon? I know you’re scared to lose her, but if you feel in your heart of hearts that you are not on the same page, then she deserves to know, despite whatever outcome. Good luck to you and whatever you decide to do.

Post # 6
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

this is blunt, but if you’ve been together for 4 years and living together for 3, you should have a pretty firm idea of whether you want to spend the rest of your life with her. if the answer is yes, then marry her! if you’re still not sure, then i think it’s time for a big long, serious talk so she understands where you’re at and whether or she not is prepared to stay/walk.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  JL4SM.
Post # 8
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t understand?? What will a little piece of paper signed saying you’re married do to change your relationship? You already live together. If you’re having sex, there’s always a chance children could come BEFORE marriage. Not being married doesn’t prevent babies. 

You say you’re committed, and that she’s the one for you, then prove it. If you’ve been together that long, and you’re still not sure, then she’s probably not the one for you. When someone is the one, you will know, and be thrilled to marry them. Not have cold feet constantly. If you are feeling pressured, you will someday resent her for pushing you into it. Guaranteed. She even may resent you someday, thinking the only reason you married her was because she forced you into it. I suggest you take a long, hard look. It’s scary to be alone, but it’s better than being forced into marrying the wrong person.

If you can’t decide soon, and I mean soon, if you really want marriage, then you should let both of you move on.

It’s not fair to either of you to end up with someone who wasn’t truly meant for you.

Post # 9
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

I’m with JL4SM,,,4 years and living together for 3, you know.  I think you love this girl and are afraid of the unexpected..losing your freedom after having kids etc.  Timelines are just like frameworks for anything…with no set boundries or guide nothing works.  I doubt you missed out on anything the last 4 years that will be worth trying now, trust me.   You told her before you would be married in 2014 so it’s time to either seal the deal or let her go. IF you can’t stand the thought of this girl being married to someone else besides you, and you love her, marry her.  Good luck to you.

Post # 10
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think you should break up with her. If you wanted to marry her and be only with her, you’d know after 4 years. She needs to be set free so she can find someone who knows he wants to be married to her before she is incapable of having a family. 

Post # 11
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I think you need to sit down and talk to her. It’s not fair to keep her waiting for the next four years while you decide to be ready, imo 

Post # 12
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

If you want kids, and you want kids with her, then you need to know that for women fertility starts dropping in their 30s, and takes a real nosedive from 35. Are you willing to wait several more years at the risk of tens of thousands of dollars in fertility aids (and possibly genetic abnormalities in your future kids)? Yes, maybe you will get lucky and have no such issues. But the longer you wait, the bigger a gamble it is.

I recommend you both pay a visit to her OBGYN, who should be able to talk to you both about the situation. And frankly, if you agreed on a timeline with her and you don’t want to stick to it, then don’t be surprised if she walks really soon. She’s running out of time to find someone, and you are incredibly selfish if you keep leading her on without being sure that you can give her what she wants out of life. You’ve already taken 4 years of her precious time with wasted promises. Don’t make it 5.

Post # 13
Member
2314 posts
Buzzing bee

First take a deep breath. 26 is a very young age in my opinion. It think it is completely natural to feel this hesitation, as marriage is a big step. A lot can change in the next 2-3 years maturity wise for you. What you do not feel ready to do this year, you may find yourself very much interested in within the next couple years. You don’t need to make a decision tonight, so try and give yourself a period to reflect before calling it quits with your relationship or doing something you’re not ready for. Feeling pressured is a terrible stress. Expressing your feelings to your partner is crucial though, don’t keep her in the dark. The better you communicate your fears, the closer you will become and hopefully it can lead to a compromise that leaves you both feeling supported and understood. Best of luck.

Post # 14
Member
958 posts
Busy bee

Go see a couples therapist.

Post # 15
Member
3828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Honestly you might love her and all but if the thought of marriage and kids scares you then she isn’t the one. She’s older and you cant change that. Either you will feel forced into this and resent her or she will have to wait and resent You. 

Unfortunately I say to stand your ground sincE Clearly you aren’t ready and if she leaves then it wasn’t meant to be. This is why generally speaking women shouldn’t date younger men. Different timelines. 

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