Post # 1
I’ve posted on here before and you guys had some really helpful advice so I thought I’d see if you had any insight or suggestions on my situation.
Fiance and I did a mud run this past Saturday and had a blast. It really energized me and I am now really interested in taking it a step further and maybe start slowly training for a mini tri or the tough mudder next year. I mentioned this to Fiance and I could tell there was a problem. I finally got it out of him that training for this is basically going to get in the way of his fun. Long story short, he wants to spend the rest of the summer going out and drinking and living it up (whatever that means). I told him I didn’t understand how training would really get in the way of anything considering I work out 1 -1.5 hours 5x/week right now anyway, I would just have to switch up my workouts to include swimming, and we only go out about one night a week as it is. I’m still a little confused on this issue, but he’s still pissy about it.
This is becoming a recurrent issue in our relationship. I am 30 (he’s 45 if that matters), I’m over the bar scene, but go when he wants to go, and I want to do things to better myself and meet some goals that don’t involve drinking. He’s focused on going out and having a good time. I am starting to feel like I only get support when its something he wants to do or if it doesn’t get in the way of his fun and he feels like he is always sacrificing to do what I want to do. For example, he is biking almost everyday and he says thats a sacrifice for me, except I don’t bike with him and he is involved in a National Bike Challenge with his company. I don’t get how this is a sacrifice for me.
Has anyone else dealt with this or have any insight?
Post # 3
Why can’t it just be your thing. I think rather then fight about it and get resentment, let him have his night outs sans you if it’s not your thing, and you have your traning time since it’s not his thing. The important thing to do is to keep a nice balence make sure you each take time for each other as couple, from hanging out at home, to doing thing both of you enjoy as a couple.
Post # 4
@TwoCityBride: Correct me if I’m wrong OP, but I *believe* that she wants to do the training by herself, but he thinks THAT will interfere with his fun. And if that is the case, that makes absolutely no sense.
He sounds like he’s acting kind of childish, OP, and I can understand your frustration.
My only advice is to talk about it some more…I feel like there has to be more going on here…it really doesn’t make any sense.
Post # 5
Ugh….my ex-husband was like that. My advice is to make sure that this is not going to bleed over into BIG issues.
In my case, I think my ex decided that kids were going to get in the way of his “fun.” Instead of coming out and saying so, he threatened to get a vasectomy if I didn’t “stop getting on his case about his spending because there will always be credit card bills and if we can’t afford them then we can’t afford a kid.” Yeah, makes no sense to me either. (BG: He maxed out a $10,000 card in less than 6 months. I was the one balancing the checkbook and paying the bills, so he never had a clue how much bills cost, at least not until I left him and he tried to “change.”)
However, I should mention that my ex is a raging narcissist with a drug problem. I’m sure my case was on the extreme side.
Post # 6
@TwoCityBride: I suggested that too, but it turned into I “kicked him off the team”. At that point in the conversation it probably came out a little different than I meant it to, but I basically said if he doesn’t enjoy these things, I can do them alone, I’m ok with that. I think his issue is that if I’m going to train, in his mind I’m not going to go out drinking. We are relatively new to this town, so he doesn’t have guys for a guys night, though I wish he did. 🙂
Post # 7
Is it possible that he thinks you want him to train for the next race as well? If you don’t, I don’t get it.
The only other thing I can think of is that he doesn’t think you spend enough time with him socially… and I’m not really talking about drinking. If his friends go out to pubs, etc (I’m 32 and mine still do) then it might be that he wants you to spend more time with his friends.
Sounds like there’s something else going on here.
Post # 8
@sara_tiara: Thanks! Yeah, you are right, I am fine training by myself and if he’s not going to be into it, I’d rather do it by myself than feel like I’m making him do it too. I’m not really sure what is going on in his head. I’m just not understanding the logic. I think if I swore off going out for the rest of the year, it’d be a valid point, but I don’t see the difference in what I’m doing now vs. what I’d be doing while training.
@Sugaree: Oh my! I can see why he is your ex!
Post # 9
I think its not your responsebility, and training for something like that it wouldn’t make sense to go out drinking all the time. There something called meetup I used a few years ago to meet people when I moved cross country. There are ton of fun groups. Check to see what you have in area, this will be great you may meet people to train with, and he will meet people for guys night out. There a ton of girl/guy night out groups some done by age.
Your fi needs to take on his own to meet people it is hard to do. But he being clingy and needy and thinking only of his self.
Post # 10
Well I have done things that make Fiance remark things like “Am I going to have to learn to fight” or “you are already beautiful why can’t I catch a break” While I know these are said in jest and he supports my interests in diet and exercise 100% we have an age gap that can make him uncomfortable about other guys around me trying to get in his way. There is mild jealousy there that he doesn’t take to seriously but perhaps your Fiance is worried you will find him less attractive if he isn’t athletic or perhaps his age is bothering him since he is technically over the hill (though 40 hardly seems old any more). I would talk to him about what it is about this that makes him worried. Get his side and then present yours without trying to over take his side.
Post # 11
Can I give you my 2 cents of honest opinion?
I AM in the other side of the coin, like your FI!
My Fi works out as much as you do and I feel it is like a prison because him working out takes priority over everything. It is not that we have anything planned every night BUT nothing can be planned or spontaneous either because he has a schedule and commitment with the gym.
I would like to have him just siting on the couch some days.
Although I fully support his healthy habit I think it takes time form the “us” time we have.
And I try to go to the gym too, WITH him, so we also spend time together but honestly I do it for him! Because it is important to him that I exercise and stay fit. So is it maybe what your Fiance says to you about biking?
Lately my Fi ahs been great! He goes to the gym and then says: now I want to spend time with you! So I don’t feel threatened by the gym…
Try to do the same… It will make your relationship better. Trust me 🙂
Post # 12
@LaTortuga: Hmm, I had not considered that. I’ll talk to him again and see if that has anything to do with it. Thanks for the suggestion!
@sheilamelo: Thanks for the tip! I think maybe part of the issue is he is worried about “us” time, and maybe I am being naive that I can do it both, train and still have a drink with him once or twice a week with him. I’ll definitely make sure I don’t do that, I don’t want him to feel like he has to compete with the gym.
Post # 13
If he doesn’t want you focusing your time and energy on your personal interests and goals I’d be concerned that he is being controlling and narcissistic. Honestly the age difference could matter but only from the standpoint that controlling men will typically look for much younger women, of course not every older man with a younger woman is a controlling narcissist. From this one incident it is impossible to know, but if you notice other behavior like this from him don’t ignore it.