Post # 1
My Grandfather is sick. He’s been battling stomach cancer for about 6 years and has wowed us all with his stamina to defy doctors of how long he had. He declined treatment and said he’d rather see how long he has without invasion.
Well this year his cancer has spread to secondary bone cancer. Over the months he has rapidly declined in health and has regular falls 🙁
He is now in hospital for an infection and and we are told there is nothing more they can for him and that keeping him comfortable is now the aim. If he rejects offers for food he shouldn’t be forced to eat, as it’ll cause him more pain. It breaks all our hearts but we know he’s no longer fighting against this and it is now only a matter of time before he passes.
I feel very grateful that we’re being given the chance to come to some kind of acceptance before this happens and at nearly 81 he’s lived a fullfilled life. I’m going to be gutted when he goes but my heart will go out to my Grandmother and mother more than me.
The reason I’m posting this is because I’m trying to work out how I should react to this should it happen between now and the wedding. It might be tomorrow, or he might last until New Year and there is nothing to say it couldn’t happen on my wedding day.
Has anyone else experience a wedding/their wedding so close to a death in the family? How did you cope with the contradicting circumstances?
I want to remain sensitive to the situation and I feel as though I should prepare in some way for this eventuality happening so close to the wedding.
Post # 3
My heart goes out to you and your family! Continue to work through the hard part of accepting that he will pass away soon, and remind yourself that he is at peace with that. I’d say consider whether or not you want to honor him in some way at your wedding and mention that he can’t be there, whether it is because he is in the hospital or he has passed. Consider what your mother and grandmother will want, or even talk to them about it, if you think they are up for that kind of conversation. Some people choose not to make mentionof a sick or deceased loved one if the wounds are too fresh, because it can be pretty upsetting for some people. Sorry, I don’t really have any great advice for you. I hope you have an amazing wedding day! Hugs.
Post # 4
Unfortunately I can relate to this as my grandfather had cancer for years that seemed to have been well controlled. Up until the week of my wedding when he went into liver failure – the sudden downturn came as a shock to all of us. He lived 3 hours away and with everything going on I was not able to see him before he passed. I did speak with him over the phone to say goodbye and he told me he would be at my wedding “with his new wings on”.
There was a knock on the door of my hotel room the morning of my wedding as I was getting ready for my hair appointment, my parents were there to tell me he’d passed away that morning. We had a good cry together in the room, and then agreed that it would not bring down the happiness of the day. My father sent out an email to family/friends letting them know he had passed, but that it was their wish that everyone celebrate the wedding as he would have wanted. I teared up a bit when we had a moment of silence for him during the Blessing, but amazingly enough we all were able to set it aside and enjoy ourselves in the moment.
My cousin experienced nearly the same thing 6 months earlier when our grandmother (his wife) passed away a week before her wedding – yup, after 64 years of marriage they passed away within 6 months of each other. Similar to my experience, the recent loss could not put a damper on her wedding day – it was amazing and full of love & happiness just as our grandmother would have wanted.
As impossible as it is to imagine, I can honestly tell you that nothing, not even the death of beloved grandparents, can bring down your day. Please do not feel insensitive by being happy – for my cousin and I, we knew for certain that it is what our grandparents wanted, and to mourn rather than celebrate would not have been honoring their spirit.
I’m sorry you are going through this, I know how hard it is. I hope that whatever happens with your grandfather you know that neither he nor your grandmother would want you to dwell on it during your wedding or your honeymoon.
Post # 5
I am so sorry for you and what your grandpa is going through. I completely understand what you are going through. Two weeks before my wedding, my aunt who helped raise me passed away from Leukemia. Two weeks after the wedding my grandma passed away from lung cancer. It was the most difficult time in my life. I was so lucky that my grandma was able to make it to my wedding even though she was on oxygen and not herself throughout the day. While I hope your grandpa makes it to see your wedding, if he doesn’t, don’t fret–he’ll be there in spirit.
Post # 6
I am so sorry you are going through this. I had a very close family member go into a coma three weeks before my wedding and passed away five days before. I also came to the bee for advise on how to handle the situation and was given lots of great advise.
I personally could not do any wedding planning when my cousin went into a coma, my time was spent at the hospital and I felt so guilty thinking of having a wedding and trying to celebrate when my family was in so much pain. We had thought of cancelling the wedding but was asked by family members not to and I’m so glad I didn’t. My wedding was a way for my family to feel happiness again, to get away from the hospitals and sadness. I look back at my wedding photos and it brings me so much joy to see my uncles laughing, my cousins mom smiling. Everyone said they needed this wedding and that it came at a perfect time, go figure.
We mentioned my cousin during the ceremony and had a candle with his picture on the table he would have been sitting and I knew he was there in spirit.
Prayers to you and your family.
Post # 7
All I can say is sending lots of love and prayers<3
Post # 8
Ah, thank you all for your comments and well wishes. It really wasn’t an easy post to write and I found myself bursting into tears after I wrote it.
At most it is just unfortuate timing. My great aunt passed away about a week before I got engaged, so it feels a little ironic that towards the end of my engagement there will be another funeral.
I feel utterly helpless in what I can do for him and for my grandmother and my mother tells me to put the situation to the back of my mind as dwelling on it won’t help or change anything. I’m grateful for my mothers permission to carry on preparing and getting excited. However she has a very bad emotional drinking problem so I don’t doubt her father’s death will bring rocky times ahead.
The show goes on and I plan to visit my grandparents this weekend, hopefully that will help with the pain in some way.
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
My grandfather died of stomach cancer 6 days before our wedding. Instead of spending the 10 days before our wedding giddy with excitement and wrapping up last minute projects, I spent it changing his bedsheets, pressing his morphine pump button, reading him poetry, and being there to support my mom because she was really struggling. Then I helped choose his casket, arrange viewings in 2 states, and said my final goodbyes. More than a year later I can honestly say they were some of the most gutting days of my entire life.
BUT our wedding was filled with the kind of joy and deep sentiment that you can only feel if you’ve also known absolute sorrow. We were able to put aside our mourning to celebrate the next chapter in our relationship. We toasted him during our reception. He was supposed to say a blessing over the meal at the wedding. No one could take his place, so I just closed my eyes for a moment and listened to his voice in my head. He was there. He’s always here. I miss him terribly.
If I can give you one piece of advice, it’s this- hand over the wedding planning reigns if you need to. We had a month-of coordinator, and when the time came, I was able to hand everything over to her and know that it would be taken care of. Being able to really be there for my grandfather and my family was the best gift I could ever give to myself. Going through those days really put the wedding into perspective. It was, in the end, just a party. Being there to take care of him and support my family is what really mattered.
Best wishes, and feel free to PM me if you need anything. :hugs:
Edit: When all of this went down, I took a lot of comfort in reading the death and wedding posts on APW. Just a thought.
Post # 10
I am so sorry to hear this. *Hugs*
It wasn’t near our wedding but my grandfather died of bone cancer in 2011 at the age of 83, so I know how hard it is to see someone you love to much slipping away.
With only two weeks to go, if he is on morphine for pain, the chances are high that it is going to happen before the wedding. My heart breaks for you.
We had a memory table at the wedding and we were able to honour him and the other passings in our family. He was mentioned in one of the speeches and it brought me to tears but it just made me remember that he was watching over me.
Unfortunately, nothing anyone can say or do can prepare you for it. But it is a blessing with the time comes because he will no longer be suffering. Just remember that on your wedding day he will be watching over you and he will be so happy and proud of you.
Post # 11
I’m so sorry, hon. My grandpa battled colon cancer for three years and passed away in July.
As for how you should react: right now, spend as much time with him as you can. Tell him you love him. When he passes, be there for your grandma and mom. If they need anything, offer to help out. My grandparents had four kids, none of whom are very savvy when it comes to getting things done. I am. I showed up to my grandma’s house when I could and set up the floral arrangement for the funeral, wrote out part of the eulogy, helped choose photos for the memory boards, etc. The day of the funeral, I showed up to the church early and made coffee and tea for everyone. I helped greet people when they came in, made sure there were tissues readily available for people, made sure we had the programs out for people to take on their way in to the sanctuary, etc.
Now, my wedding isn’t until next year, but I still feel like it’s close. I wanted him to walk me down the aisle, but I knew that he wouldn’t be there. He was too sick and had been fighting for too long. I made my peace with it a long time ago.
Post # 12
Praying for you and your family! This is a tough situation and I have no idea how I would be able to handle it. I hope all goes well!
Post # 13
Well my Grandfather died last night 🙁 I feel a mixture of a million different things.
Relief that he is no longer suffering, relief for my Grandmother who no longer has to be his nurse rather than his wife. I feel utter gutwrenching sadness that he’s gone, and feel so sad for my mum, who is going to take this badly. I really hope she doesn’t turn to drink to get through this. I’m so sorry that I didn’t get to see him one last time and say goodbye. I feel terrible about that.
And now I’m faced with the reality that there will be a funeral either 2 day before my wedding or 2 days after. My Grandmother bless her, wants me to have a say on when it is, and it was just a horrible call to have. I mean, I don’t want to dictate when the funeral is, but then if I’m honest I’d rather it was before the wedding, rather than after.
So what now? I feel ashamed that while I’m struggling to hold back tears of sorrow for my family, there is still a bit in side me that is excited and wants to enjoy the run up still. Am I allowed to still celebrate? Should I offer to postpone the wedding? I haven’t got a clue what to do.
Post # 14
I am so sorry for your loss. HUGS!!!
Yes you should still celebrate! I am sure that is what your grandfather would have wanted. I went through something very simular right before my wedding and my family never expected me to postpone my wedding or do anything but enjoy my day. I now know why, it gave my family something to look forward to, a time to be happy.
We had the funeral after the wedding, for us to bury my cousin so close to the wedding didn’t give us proper time to grieve and also things were more hectic before the wedding than after. Its a personal choice and I’m sure you’ll make the right one for you.