My Grandma hates my Dad……

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Hey – I’m sorry you’re going through this 🙁

Your weddings not for over a year, and you won’t be dealing with guest lists or invites in the near future I wouldn’t imagine, so I’d just try not to worry about it for now.  Could you have a quiet word with your mum and ask her to speak with your gran and other relations?  If your mum can deal surely everyone else can for the sake of one day?

My honest advice would be this – you will never please everyone, and you’ll probably come up against a few issues like this through your planning.  I’d put them aside for the moment and concentrate on the good stuff – a lot can change in a year!

Good luck x

Post # 4
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I wouldn’t worry about it just yet, even though that’s easier said than done. Assuming this is your mother’s mother, and your mother has told you she is happy for your dad to be at the wedding, then I think you could ask your mother to talk to your grandmother. “Mum, nycbrde has told me you’re threatening to not come to her wedding if her father’s there. But he’s my ex husband, not yours, and he is her father, and it’s her wedding day. I am happy for him to share the day with us and I need you to realise that.” Your grandmother might think she is doing your mother a favour, but if she hears it from her it might help? Family stuff is hard, we had some on DH’s side too with his parents being divorced but stay true to what you want and it will be ok 🙂

 

Post # 5
Member
8354 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

Depending on the circumstances, you could invite him and just not tell your grandma or the rest of that side of the family. And I also agree with the previous posters, see if you can have your mom talk to that side of the family.

Post # 7
Member
572 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

You are a year out, no telling what will happen between now and then so try not to let it stress you out too much.  What you don’t do is elope because of this, especially if a wedding is what you want!

You invite both people and let the cards fall where they may.  You let your grandmother know he is invited and if she chooses to come, she needs to be on her best behavior or she will be escorted out because your wedding is not the time or place to make any statement and if she chooses not to come, she will be missed.

The only reason I don’t suggest inviting him without telling her is because of her past behaviors- the news won’t be sprung on her and she can have time to process it or not.

Good luck!  Being put in the middle of choosing just plain sucks.

Post # 9
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

It doesn’t sound like your parents hate each other.. it sounds like your grandmother is the only one with a problem.  Did your father do something to earn this hatred?  Did he really abandon you and your mother?  Or did the marriage just not work out so they parted ways and both continued to be a part of your life?  As long as you have a relationship with your father and you want him there, then you should invite him.  And still send invites to your grandmother and the rest of your mom’s family.  If they choose not to attend there is nothing you can do about it.  You shouldn’t punish your father because your grandmother is being a witch.

Post # 11
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Do you really think your mom’s family wouldn’t go?  I wouldn’t mind if my grandma was being poopy like that but I think I would elope if that meant all of my mom’s family wouldn’t come also.  Or does it really matter if they all aren’t there? 

Post # 12
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Sorry you are going through this.
A mother can’t stand to see their children hurt and as such, I can understand the feelings that your grandmother has towards your father. However, there comes a point where by holding on to those feelings, she’s hurting herself and her loved ones more than the person she actually hates.

I think that it is unfair of her to ask you to choose, and I think you should not choose. I would invite everyone and let her know that you want everyone there and are not going to choose between your family members. The choice is then hers and the rest of the family… The way I see it, if they choose not to come, they are missing a loved one’s wedding on the account of someone they don’t even like and punishing themselves. You won’t be less married to the love of your life, and your mother and father will still be by your side.

Now, if you think that, should they choose to come, they would make a scene, then I would probably elope or have a very small wedding with just your two sets of “original” parents, siblings and closest, dearest friends.

Good luck; I wish that your grandma comes around and makes a wise decision… Forgiveness tastes so much better…

Post # 13
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2017

nycbrde2011 :  What was the outcome? I really need some guidance, too.

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