Post # 1
My grandmother called my mom on Sunday to tell her she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She said it was stage 2 and that she was starting chemo on Wednesday and radiation after the first of the year. My mom left for Florida on Tuesday to be with her and my aunt is flying in from Australia. They are going to alternate back and forth becuase my granddad isn’t in great health either and he can’t take care of her by himself. Once my mom got there and they went for my grandmother’s first round of chemo, she was told that the cancer is actually stage 4 and treatment at this point is more for containment and not a cure.
My veil came in yesterday and the first thing I wanted to do was call her and tell her. I could have since she has her phone with her, but I knew she was dealing with everything with my grandmother. But just the thought of it makes me cry. I know the first thing I think when something good or bad happens is that I need to call my mom. This is how she is with her mom and she likely won’t be able to do that soon.
My wedding is in April and at this point, we don’t know how long my grandmother will live. What do I do? I know this is going to be a hard time for my family, especially my mom. Do we postpone everything? Right now I don’t feel like I can even talk to her about wedding stuff because it’s just so insignificant with everything else going on. When my dad died, the last thing I would have wanted to do is plan a wedding. And while this diagnosis gives her time to spend with her mom, it’s still time she knows is limited so why would she want to spend it picking out color schemes and such. I know I wouldn’t.
Post # 3
I’m a MOB and have lost several immediate family members to cancer. I am so very sorry about your grandma.
Your mom just got hit with all of this so I would say nothing for a couple of weeks and let her get steady on her feet. She thougth she was walking into stage 2 cancer, but it is stage 4 which is incurable. She has a lot to think about and accept right now. Give it a few weeks so she can talk to the doctors, find out the real outlook here and then see what would be best for everyone.
Again, I am so very sorry about your grandmother.
Post # 4
My heart absolutely goes out to you. My mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer right after I got engaged and I was at a total loss. A Practical Wedding blog has many great articles for situations like this. And, I found several posts on this board to be incredibly insightful.
We chose to move our wedding up. It was aboslutely the right decision. But, everyone is different. I can understand keeping your original date. Anything you decide to do is the right thing to do.
Post # 5
I am so very sorry that you’ve gotten this news.
I can tell you this. My grandad was diagnosed with untreatable stage 4 lung cancer and given 6 months to live, 6 years ago. He died in October of last year. We got 5 full years with him. He did do Chemo, and he took insane amounts of Vitamin D, did health shakes, and did all kinds of crazy stuff my mom found on the internet which he swears she gave him the extra life he had. But most of all, he had the drive to live. He had goals. He told the Dr, I’m going to live to see my grandson graduate high school. Then, I”m going to live to see my other grandson get married. Then I’m going to live to see my granddaughter get married (me). He made it to each milestone.
During our wedding, I told myself it wasn’t over until the fat lady sang. I prayed, every day, tha the would be healthy enough to be there, and alive. And he was. And he was prouder than shit. And he ate two cupcakes and no dinner because it was all he could muster. He passed away 3 months later after fighting for FIVE years.
Moral of the story is that he fought for that time he had with us. And I think that medically there is a lot to be said for that. Just because a doctor gives a dire prognosis doesn’t mean it will turn out to be reality. I really wish your grandmother and family all the best and the luck in the world. I hope that she can be there to see you walk down the aisle. Big hugs.
Post # 6
Thank you all for your kind words.
@hermom: I do think I will let things settle a bit and then talk to her. I know right now she is still just in shock. It took me a while after my dad died to even function 100%. Her mom is still here but that doesn’t take away the shock and I know she wants every available minute to enjoy this time with her mom.
@sewn: I don’t know if we could move our wedding up. My grandmother and grandfather were already not likely to come because of their health. But now, I know for the next few months my mom and aunt will be busy down there. I feel so selfish right now even worrying about my wedding
@MsJ2theZ: That is amazing! My grandmother is a fighter and I really hope she has the will to live that your granddad did.
I don’t know much about cancer. My cousin died from it when he was 6 but I was so young at the time and they lived across the country so I really didn’t hear much about it. But you’re right…doctors and tests dont know everything.
Post # 7
First of all I’m so sorry you are going through this, it sucks and nothing can change that. one of the other bees suggested the article on Practical Wedding. – it is a good article
I’m in a similar situation – my mom is living with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer – that being said due to treatment she is still going strong despite being diagnosed April 7, 2009. So first of all you need to get a better idea of her prognosis…she obviously didn’t want to worry everyone if she told you she was stage 2.
i totally understand what you are going through about not wanting to call about wedding stuff, i have had a lot of emotional conflict wanting to plan the wedding and be excited but knowing right now we are going month to month to her oncologist appointments. i went through a period of not being able to make any wedding decisions at all…
There is not easy answer – we looked at moving up our date without telling my mom, she caught wind of this and called me telling me not to move the date – i was crying so hard on the phone i couldn’t even talk. We even took out marrigae classes early in case we needed to change the date. Our priest (I’m Anglican) was amazing he offered us all kinds of ideas and told us he would be as flexible as possible (unfortunately he lost his wife when his son was engaged) We decided on keeping the orignal date with an understanding we would do a private family ceremony if my mom’s health went south andthe original date would be a vow renewal. I am also looking into Skyping the wedding in case she is not well for the wedding date..
Your mom may like to have something else to think about besides dealing with cancer – but each person is different. my mom is interested in the wedding but is not overly involved in planning partially because that’s just how she was and partly because sometimes she has not been well enough to help.
Maybe you should call your gran just to see how she is and see if she brings up the wedding. A lot of times during our cancer journey we have wanted something normal to talk about…. your wedding could be that thing for your family – it may also give your grandmother something to strive for.
i’m sorry if i’ve gone on too much – i just want you to know you are not alone and i understand what you are going through…hopefully something i said is helpful.