My Guilty Confession: Attracted to My Fiance's Best Friend

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

anonymousconfessions:  That’s a really tough situation to be in. Have you always felt this way about his best friend? Or did it kind of happen out of no where? My advice is that whenever you have these thoughts – immediately think “NO, I love my FI. That’s all that matters.” Crushes are a normal part of life, regardless if you’re in a relationship or not.

Post # 3
Member
3404 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I had the same thing with an ex partner of mine. I was attracted to his best friend. In a way, I think I dragged out the relationship with my ex purely to maintain contact with his BF. 

I know you don’t want to hear this, but I don’t believe it is a good sign that you have this attraction.  Even worse is the fact that you won’t be able to avoid him. I don’t think you are a horrible person though! It is a hard situation. Is there someone you can talk to and work through this? (ie a counsellor? Pastor?)

Post # 4
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I have had crushes on other people while with my boyfriend. And while I do ogle other guys, at the end of the day, my boyfriend is the man I want to marry and the man I love and am attracted to, not just the man I’m attracted to. The real question is-would you actually act on your desire if given the chance? If not, then it’s probably just a little crush that will eventually pass. 

Post # 6
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I was in love with FI’s best friend for 2 yrs back in high school and that’s how I met FI…  the best friend became a very good friend of mine and of course I’ll always find him attractive but it stops there. Nothing ever happened between us for the 10 yrs we know each other and of course he was never interested in me! However my FI’s bro did go out with a girl but was in love with her bff and they ended up dating a few months after… These situations are really a case-by-case basis and only you know what your true feelings are. Trust your judgement to make the right decisions, that would be my advice!

Post # 7
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Oh! And let me add that one of the guys I have had a crush on while with my boyfriend is his best friend. Now I’m TOTALLY over that and look back and laugh.

Post # 8
Member
1168 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Sounds like a foreboding sign that you find him so attractive (you probably find him attractive because he is similar to your FI, if that is not what you find attractive… then I dont know). But it really is not a good sign, that you are so strongly attracted to another man in general. I get that there are things like biochemistry that can not always be control, but you can totally control oogling and thinking about him- especially if you are having “what ifs” passing in your brain space.

Clearly you are thinking about him too much. Thats more than just an attraction… sounds like you have a crush- to me the difference between a crush and just attraction is when you actually think about being with the other person/ fantasy or not. 

You definitely have yourself a tricky situation. Do you have a good very trust worthy friend to talk to about this? If not you really just have to stop thinking about it and let it go. See him as your brother, as your FI sees him as family too. 

Post # 10
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. I understand how terrible it must feel.

Your fiancé probably has more in common with his best friend than with any other man you’ve met, and it’s possible you’re attracted to all those things they share. If you think this is the case, remind yourself that chemistry does not equal compatibility and try to focus on the things that make them different, the things that are unique to your fiancé and make him the man you want to marry. You can probably also identify several of his best friend’s traits that you don’t mind as a friend, but wouldn’t want in a partner.

I find the jealousy more problematic than the actual attraction. You should be relieved that he’s with another woman! The more clearly unavailable he is, the less you’ll get to think about “what ifs”. Hope you get to sort out your feelings soon, OP. It looks like you’re committed to your relationship and you deserve to enjoy it guilt-free.

Post # 12
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

anonymousconfessions:  Eh, sounds like you just need to distance yourself from this guy. Obviously you will be in his presence (because of your FI), but that doesn’t mean that you have to interact with him to the extent that you likely are.

I would never look in that way towards one of DH’s friends. However, I once had a coworker who I had major chemistry with. It was clear that we were both restraining ourselves from allowing it to escalate. Because, he was taken at the time. So, out of respect for his SO, I steered clear of him as much as possible, kept conversations to a bare minimum and pushed any of those thoughts out of my mind as soon as I’d catch myself.

Post # 14
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

anonymousconfessions: Most people who have been in long term relationships will tell you that crushes happen. You can’t control who you have chemistry with, and it’s totally human to be attracted to someone else. My experience has been that you just need to seperate yourself from the situation as much as possible until it passes. Don’t let yourself end up in a situation where you are spending a lot of alone time with this guy. I think you should desenstitize yourself to seeing him with other women. Make it a point to go on some group outings where he is with another girl. 

This isn’t about whether or not you love your FI. It’s about how committed you are. It sounds like you know what you want and are taking the commitment seriously. This will pass. Knowing that can be the difference between a successful marriage and a failed one.

Post # 15
Member
204 posts
Helper bee

I noticed that you said you didn’t really notice him before the engagement. Could this be related to anxiety about your engagement more than your attraction to him, or did you just not see him much before you were engaged? It may be that your subconscious is getting nervous about marrying someone (understandably) and kind of manufacturing this attraction to him. I would advise you to keep your distance for a bit and see if it wears off. If that’s not possible, just try to focus on his bad qualities. I’m sure he does things that are annoying just like anyone else. Good luck!

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