My guy told me something about his past – I'm freaked!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
8677 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Truthfully, what happened before you is none of your business provided he doesn’t have anything contagious. I can understand being weirded out, but why the anger? This was before you, and you weren’t involved, so how are you justifying being angry?


If I were in your shoes, I’d definitely feel a little awkward. I’d do my best to let it go, after all these people are your friends and both parties were completely consenting. As long as two people consent (Or three, in this case), no damage was done and clearly no damage to your friendship (Or your husband’s friendship) has been done.

Post # 4
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Lady12345:  Ouch. Honestly, I wouldn’t be upset about the fact that he did it, but rather that he waited so long to tell you, considering you are friends with the couple! How did the conversation end? Where do you stand right now? 

Post # 5
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Hyperventilate:  +1

Maybe he just didn’t want to make you feel awkward before you warmed up to them?

I’d feel weirded out as well. I would definitely discuss this a bit further with him.. like if he is done with the swinger lifestyle. I can imagine this sorta thing causing trouble in a marriage if one party is into it and another is not.


Post # 6
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

um… whether it’s “right” or not to take infor you found out about your SO before you two started dating, I’d be completely disturbed. In all honesty, I’d jump ship. It isn’t just that you found out how many people he slept with or something. You found out new information about his character and judgement that you cannot align with your own. Further, the fact that you guys are still friends with the couple and everyone but you was aware of this info is creepy.


In short, I’d leave. That’s some creepy shit.

Post # 7
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@Lady12345:  i get your anger – you’ve been at parties with these three other people (fi and the couple) and all three have had a little secret that you haven’t known about while you’ve been complimenting her roast chicken or whatever. i think when a relationship gets serious your partner should have the courtesy of telling you something like that IF they are a couple you’re going to be seeing regularly etc so that you can choose how you’d like to proceed. 

also – is part of your anger because you thought you had similar views on fidelity and marriage and now you’ve discovered that he was a willing third party to another couple’s marriage? i can imagine that would be a bit of a shock, if you thought that marriage (for both of you) meant total sexual fidelity. in addition – he clearly feels no regret (not that he should, simply a statement) if he’s remained friends with them.


Post # 8
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I can’t believe he told you that. Try to keep it in perspective that it is in his past and he is marrying you. I don’t like it, but I am trying to keep an open mind. I’d be very upset if my SO told me a story like that….it would make me question his character. It is possible that it doesn’t mean anything at all. It was a fluke, an adventure, a poor decision made by a younger him.

ETA – Just saw that this is a couple you currently hang out with. I guess he wanted to let you in on the secret? I sure as hell wouldn’t want to hang out with that couple anymore.

Post # 9
2243 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

@Hyperventilate:  This 100%!

I don’t really see why you’re carrying all this anger. This was before you & they’re all conscenting adults. This is REALLY not that big a deal  you should feel happy that he trusted you enough to tell you; he’s compromising a secret he’s kept for his friends to tell you. When I saw the title of this thread I was imagining a LOT worse things.

Post # 10
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@canarydiamond:  +1 on the discussing. I definitely think you should talk to him more in depth about this.

Like for example, is he still interested in that sort of lifestyle, are there any more things he should disclose to you now instead of later? 

I would also wonder why he waited so long to let you know. By the way, I understand being upset at him for not telling you before now, esp since it is a couple you still talk to. But as far as him doing it, think about it this way, no matter what he does he will NEVER ever ever be able to change the fact that it happened, it’s permanenet, it comes along with him. The only way it can ever be out of your life, is if HE is out of your life. And that is an option, but is that what you want to do?

If it were me I think what I would really struggle with is the awkwardness. Once again though, I really think you should discuss it further with him. Just get it all out there. 

ETA- now that I’ve had a minute to think about it, I find the fact that they held this secret from you AND they remain friends who talk regularly very unnerving. When I said I would feel awkward, I think that was a drastic understatement. 

Post # 11
1553 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly, I wouldn’t think it was so bad, if you didn’t know the couple. The fact that you are friends with this couple now, makes it really odd to me. I’m not sure how I’d be able to just move past that one.

Post # 12
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I am one of the Bees who says, what is in the past when it comes to relationships sexually is indeed in the past.

BUT this situation IMO is different…  BECAUSE these people aren’t in the past at all… they are in BOTH your lives now.

To me that makes a world of difference.

I personally would not be OK with that

(She sees him thinks about having sex with him, He sees her thinks about having sex with her, Her Husband sees the two of them and thinks about all that he’s seen)

Ummm, NO

Wouldn’t fly with me

I am also curious in HOW these people are now all your friends… I can only assume it is because he introduced them to you… so obviously he is quite comfortable with them, and his past relationship with them.  IF he was embarrassed, ashamed, or wanting to move away from that, they wouldn’t be part of scene you find yourself in.

His blatant exposure of you to them, bothers me.

AND I also have to agree with @Asia:  (Reply # 5)… However do you balance this out morally, if you two are not on the same page ?

Clearly this guy believes that someone having an Open Marriage is an option… as is “being in a situation” where he sleeps with an otherwise Married Woman

Personally, I’d want to be with someone who has a more traditional view of Marriage, and boundaries IF that was the type of person I was, kind of Marriage I was hoping to achieve.

Lets pretend for a moment that you marry “Kevin”

And he then suggest “swinging” as a lifestyle choice to you… would you be OK with that?

Or you find out he’s been sleeping with someone else…

I mean it isn’t like you can’t say you didn’t know about his past, and how he viewed such things morally.

Ya, I’d be looking elsewhere for a LIFE mate.

Sorry… (( HUGS ))


Post # 14
2516 posts
Sugar bee

@Asia:  “The fact that you guys are still friends with the couple and everyone but you was aware of this info is creepy.”

^ Exactly. That is the most disturbing thing about this situation. *shudder*

Post # 15
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I imagine it will be a bit awkward being around that couple from now on. I would be willing to bet that he didn’t tell you because he was afraid how you would react.

Luckily I do not consume alcohol so I doubt I will be sharing details some of my exploits (from LONG ago) with FH, like threesomes and the like. He knows I am way more experienced and thankfully has not asked for details and I see no point in telling him.

But I can see how this situation is different – we’re not hanging ot with any of my former lovers.  Truthfully, if I was in his place, I wouldnt have told you.

Post # 16
2670 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

@Hyperventilate:  +1

I am kind of surprised by some of the reactions to this post. I just don’t see this as a big deal. As long as they were all consenting adults in this situation, it’s no one’s business but theirs. Unless the OP had a previous conversation with her FI and told him she needed to know every detail of his sexual past, there was nothing wrong with him being discreet, especially since the couple might not want everyone to know what they’ve been up to in the bedroom — which is their right!

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