Post # 1
Hello bees, I am writing this to vent a bit but mostly to get some perspective on the situation between my guy and me.
FI grew up wealthy, his tuition covered, his car, all of his living expenses until he was 24. In contrast, I grew up in a middle-class family and my parents ended up filing for bankruptcy some years ago. I put myself through university, and qualified for about $30k in scholarships.
I received my BS in Finance and he got a BA in Political Science.
Now that we are settling into our careers, I am the “bread winner”, making 60% more than he does.
Naturally, with my background in finance I want to set budgets for our personal finances and we have started to discuss how much we want to allocate to our wedding.
He wants a big, grand wedding. He wants our friends and family to be impressed and think our wedding was amazing.
I would honestly prefer an intimate wedding at an upscale restaurant. With only our closest friends, 10 between us and our dearest family, another 15 people. FI and I are both very much introverts, him being way more shy than I am! We are not born entertainers and I do not like being the center of attention.
I explained to him that I don’t see a $20k wedding for 65 guests as something we need to do. I would rather put that hard earned money elsewhere, towards something we can benefit from.
Did any other ladies have opposing views on wedding costs?
How did you reach a compromise?
Am I being selfish?
Post # 3
@HisQueenToBee: If you are earning most of the money, you will be paying for most of the wedding. Unless his wealthy parents are going to pay, then he’s the one being selfish and spending your money. It’s important to align your priorities because money can cause a lot of tension in a marriage if you let it.
If he has a “keeping up with the Jonses'” attitude and wants to impress people rather than meet your realistic daily goals, i.e. paying down debt, buying a house, starting a life, then that’s a problem. The end result of a wedding is the same – you’re married. It makes no sense to go into debt for it.
Post # 4
@HisQueenToBee: For us, FH is the introvert and I’m very much the extrovert. I knew from the beginning we were looking at 20-25k for the wedding. FH didn’t get it – mind you we have a guest list of 118, not 65 (or is it 25?)
FH didn’t get it. So, we went venue looking, I showed him was 10k would get us, what 15k would get us, and he hated it all. He just didn’t know what his/our taste would cost.
In your case, I think it might be the opposite. Maybe your FH thinks that things need to cost more than they do. Sit down and figure out your guest list. Figure out your must haves. Agree on those and then figure out what they cost. Maybe your FH is assuming that your wedding has to cost 20-25k because that’s the national average.
Post # 5
@HisQueenToBee: I think he grew up as many wealthy people, thinking appearances are very important (therefore the need to ”impress” people with an extravagant wedding). It’s easy for him to demand this, as he never knew what it was like to struggle for money and to make choices according to a budget.
I think your vision is way more realistic and down-to-earth, and I share your view completely. You have to explain to him why you would prefer to have a smaller wedding, and tell him what else you could do with this money.
Thankfully, FI and I are on the same page when it comes to finances, but we grew up in similar environments, and we both support ourself as students. We’ll also both have student loans to carry once we’re done with university. Having a 20K wedding is not a priority for us, because at the end of the day we’re left alone to foot the bill.
Post # 6
@MrsPanda99: precisely, except we will not be going into debt for the wedding. I would just rather spend that money elsewhere — additional savings, increased charitable donations, etc. I worry that I am being too practical. I mean, some people drop xx,xxx for their weddings.
@MsGinkgo: The guest list he wants is more inclusive, so it’d be 65 guests and a price of about $20k for the whole shebang — venue, caterer, violinists, decor, flowers, and all the other expenses. I never pictured a fancy wedding for myself. The only parts of a wedding I want would be the dress, the meal, and our loved ones.
Post # 7
Maybe the starting point would be compromising on either the guestlist or the choice of venue.
ie: if you give him the guestlist, you get your quiet restaurant setting. if you give him his grander vision, you get your more intimate guestlist?
Post # 8
@NauticalDisaster: yes, it has been a challenge for me to relate to his concept of money. I don’t want to be a grinch and crush his dream wedding, but I also do not want to pay for a majority of a wedding I don’t entirely want. I want us both to be happy with our wedding.
@MsGinkgo: I like the trade idea! I did price a wedding for 65 guests at a restaurant for our ceremony and reception, and it was still $20k. So either way, that size guest list comes with a bigger price tag.
Post # 9
Is he like this about all of your expenses? I would personally have a hard time marrying a spendthrift.
Post # 10
@HisQueenToBee: IMO, this is not a wedding issue, this is a life issue. You guys need to do some serious talking about your approaches toward money.
I actually think that this is one of the reasons that planning a wedding is a useful exercise before you get married. It forces all sorts of tough issues about money, religion, family, tradition, etc, to the surface all at once.
Post # 11
Oh yeah, we align on most other views of money. I just want to reign him in on our wedding!