Post # 1
Good Morning, ladies. This is going to be long and I am sorry.
I joined awhile ago and have never posted. My fiancé and I were set to get married on September 7th. We have been engaged since November 1st. Everything was booked, the invitations have been sent. We have been together for three years and have a 17 month old son together.
Last Friday I found text messages between him and another woman. They were sexually inappropriate messages. They were both being inappropriate. I did the normal thing and freaked out and kicked him out. He then went to my parents’ and spoke to my dad. My dad is basically telling me we have to work through it and resolve things. The thing is, this isn’t the first time. Last July I found a flirty message from a different woman to him. It said “Goodnight Pooh Bear”. Both of these women are older, the most recent is 51 years old. He knows her through work and she knew he was engaged and has a child. He and she both swear nothing was going on. I saw the messages though, you don’t send flirty, sexual messages for fun. I did message her and told her what I thought and she basically told me my fiancé is a great guy, nothing was happening and that my insecurity and jealousy is going to ruin this. Bitch has nerve. I keep asking him why he did this, why he felt the need to turn to another woman. All he has for me is “lapse of judgment”. I looked at our cell phone records and basically every text he sent was to her. There were 96 text messages between them in one day. I don’t think that is innocent. He swears they were work related.
I have postponed the wedding and have already called the vendors to let them know. I love him and I am willing to go to counseling but I can’t get married knowing I don’t trust him. The thing is, we went to our first session last night and our therapist basically told me not to make rash decisions. It was obvious that we still love each other and we can work through this. She told my fiancé that his actions were inexcusable and there is no justification. After talking a little more to him about his past, she thinks he has mommy issues. I am just not accepting that.
I am so, so hurt and lost. I do love him and everyone is telling to me get the hell away (except a handful of people). I know he is not a bad person. Other than this shit he is a wonderful fiancé and father. I am stuck in a very difficult place.
Post # 3
@JHop0924: BIG hug….. I know this isn’t easy.
I don’t think you should make a rash decision, but here’s the problem. It sounds like he’s not exactly owning what he’s up to. This hurts your trust.
This isn’t the first time he’s done this. this hurts your trust more.
So my question to you is: Do you think you can achieve trust with him, given what you know and that this was not a one off “testing the water” type of activity? Because being a good fiance EXCEPT for sexting with other people is…. being a bad fiance.
Post # 4
@JHop0924: So sorry this is happening to you. I’ve been there myself!
I think you are doing the right thing. Thankfully, DH and I weren’t engaged yet when he did this to me. I found out he had been doing this exact thing about two months after I moved 16 hours away from home to be with him! I told him the only way I would stick around is if he went to counseling and we had a 100% completely open book policy. With counseling and some time to heal, we are better than we’ve ever been.
It’s possible to work it out. Just don’t get married until you feel like you can fully trust him again.
Post # 5
@JHop0924: If he is doing this now and you are not even married yet, I would be concerned what will happen after the wedding.
There is no relationship without trust, you are right about that. Me personally, I would call off the entire wedding until he has proven to you that you can trust him.
Post # 6
@Andthepupmakes3: Oh I know this makes him a shitty, shitty fiance.
I really wish I could believe him that it was just work related stuff and bullshitting but I can’t. 96 text messages in one day is excessive. He called her while I was screaming at him and wanted me to talk to her and she would tell me it was nothing. Like I would believe her after she pulled this shit, knowing he is engaged. I don’t give a shit what she has to say.
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
You are right to postpone the wedding. If this was his first time getting caught in this I would say give him another chance, easily. As it isn’t, you have to get to the bottom of it or call the wedding off completely. Counceling?
Post # 8
He went to your dad? And your dad is defending him? Against YOU??
What the hell is wrong with BOTH of them????
Find a new thereapist. Now.
A therapist should NEVER take sides, and should NEVER judge your desicions. For either of you. Especially the first session – they should really just listen and take notes.
Go to a few individual sessions first, then go together. It might be more beneficial that way.
Anyway, here’s my opinon:
This is emotional cheating, which I feel is the worst kind of cheating.
Giving his time and attention to another woman, maybe he doesn’t ever get physical but he tries his hardest to get her to fall for him. Why? Because it’s nice to have the attention, and I’m sure people like that love the dating “game”. Once he gets bored again… he’ll just find another woman and start all over.
So what does that make you? His safety net. Someone he can always count on to “be there” for him when his other women leave him and he needs attention.
BTW, are you Huma Abedin? I’m only partly joking but… I felt for her the first time, when she gave her sleazy husband a second chance. This time? I really don’t feel bad for her at all – they’ve only been married a couple of years and he really can’t control himself? There’s something wrong there.
[ETA] BTW, the best thereapist I ever went to was a guy who worked on my college campus, but also worked as a counselor in a prison. He sat and listened in our initital sessions. That’s it. I hated it at the time (because I explained so much about myself and my problems), but now? It was really the best thing he could have done.
So always check your counselor’s background – if all they’ve ever done is work in an office setting, that may be too “comfortable” for what you two really need in a couple’s counselor.
Post # 9
96 texts in one day??? DH and I were in a LDR for a while before I moved to be with him, and we never had anywhere near that many texts! And we were openly in a relationship. Something fishy is going on between those two.
Both DH’s and my coworkers have our cell numbers for emergencies. The rest of the time, we’d prefer that we be left alone.
Post # 10
@CakeyP: We are going to a different therapist tomorrow. He made appointments with three different therapists and said we can go to all of them and choose who I am most comfortable with.
I know it is emotional cheating and I think you are right about the boredom thing. It worries me so much that he will just keep doing it. I actually mentioned that to him, the excitement from something new and the flirting. He really didn’t have anything to say about that.
I don’t even know who Huma Abedin is?
Post # 11
@strawbabies: I know. When I saw the amount of text messages between them I almost vomited. I couldn’t believe it. There is NOTHING innocent about that many texts, I also don’t know what you could possibly talk about (that is work related) for that long. She doesn’t even work directly with him. He works at an insurance agency and she works at one of the hospitals. So they have to talk for pre-certs and crap. No need for that many messages on your personal phone. Also, there were texts before and after he was finished work.
Yesterday he begged me to change his phone number and told me he will never take cases from her or another female again. I shouldn’t even have to worry about these things when he is supposed to be working!
Post # 12
“I did message her and told her what I thought and she basically told me my fiancé is a great guy, nothing was happening and that my insecurity and jealousy is going to ruin this. Bitch has nerve.”
Too right she has nerve! How horrible for her to accuse you of making this a problem!
HUGS; this sucks, but I think you are wise to postpone whilst you sort this out.You have every right to get to the bottom of this; do not let some B tell you otherwise.
Post # 13
@JHop0924: She’s a “current events” person right now, but it might be worth it for you to look her up.
Basically she’s the wife of a mayoral candidate in NYC (and a really amazing and accomplished woman overall). He was caught sexting a few years ago, he quit politics and she forgave him. Now he’s been caught sexting (only, that’s all he’s doing) again, they have a little boy, he’s running for mayor, and she’s still forgiving him.
It might be good for you to read some analysis on her reactions – not random people’s opinions, but maybe Psychology Today will write an article about it. Or some other, more thoughtful publications will dive into the mechanics and thought process behind this type of infidelity (not the gossip). Because it really parallels what you are going through right now, it wonder if it might help you to understand your own situation and approach things better.
Post # 14
Personally, I wouldn’t stick around. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. It’s disrespectful and essentially saying, “you are not good enough.” I wouldn’t marry someone who thought that way, nor is it worth going to counseling to “save.” If he doesn’t know in his own heart that he is committed, I don’t care to have a third party explain to him that he should.
No, way. Once trust is gone, it is nearly impossible to bring back. I would not be able to respect myself if I let a man cheat on me. I expect to be my FI’s first priority and that I will never come second to anyone…let alone another woman. Yes, all relationships have issues to work through but cheating is never excusable in a monogamous relationship.
Break up or don’t enter into one if you aren’t ready.
Post # 15
Oh, now I know who you are talking about. I wasn’t aware of her name but I know who he is.
Post # 16
Honestly I send flirty messages all the time to other guys. I don’t know if he’s actually cheating or not but I’m just saying. Flirty messages don’t always mean cheating. Some people are just flirts.
Edit:Some people do consider flirting cheating. If your one of those people that’s fine as long as he knows that and accepts it.