My heart hurts.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1896 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@JHop0924:  BIG hug….. I know this isn’t easy.

 

I don’t think you should make a rash decision, but here’s the problem. It sounds like he’s not exactly owning what he’s up to. This hurts your trust.

This isn’t the first time he’s done this.  this hurts your trust more.

So my question to you is:  Do you think you can achieve trust with him, given what you know and that this was not a one off “testing the water” type of activity?  Because being a good fiance EXCEPT for sexting with other people is…. being a bad fiance.

 

 

Post # 4
Member
819 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@JHop0924:  So sorry this is happening to you. I’ve been there myself!

I think you are doing the right thing. Thankfully, DH and I weren’t engaged yet when he did this to me. I found out he had been doing this exact thing about two months after I moved 16 hours away from home to be with him! I told him the only way I would stick around is if he went to counseling and we had a 100% completely open book policy. With counseling and some time to heal, we are better than we’ve ever been.

It’s possible to work it out. Just don’t get married until you feel like you can fully trust him again.

Post # 5
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@JHop0924:  If he is doing this now and you are not even married yet, I would be concerned what will happen after the wedding.

There is no relationship without trust, you are right about that. Me personally, I would call off the entire wedding until he has proven to you that you can trust him.

Post # 7
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

You are right to postpone the wedding. If this was his first time getting caught in this I would say give him another chance, easily. As it isn’t, you have to get to the bottom of it or call the wedding off completely. Counceling?

Post # 8
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

He went to your dad? And your dad is defending him? Against YOU??
What the hell is wrong with BOTH of them????

Find a new thereapist. Now.
A therapist should NEVER take sides, and should NEVER judge your desicions. For either of you. Especially the first session – they should really just listen and take notes.
Go to a few individual sessions first, then go together. It might be more beneficial that way.

Anyway, here’s my opinon:
This is emotional cheating, which I feel is the worst kind of cheating.
Giving his time and attention to another woman, maybe he doesn’t ever get physical but he tries his hardest to get her to fall for him. Why? Because it’s nice to have the attention, and I’m sure people like that love the dating “game”. Once he gets bored again… he’ll just find another woman and start all over.
So what does that make you? His safety net. Someone he can always count on to “be there” for him when his other women leave him and he needs attention.

BTW, are you Huma Abedin? I’m only partly joking but… I felt for her the first time, when she gave her sleazy husband a second chance. This time? I really don’t feel bad for her at all – they’ve only been married a couple of years and he really can’t control himself? There’s something wrong there.

[ETA] BTW, the best thereapist I ever went to was a guy who worked on my college campus, but also worked as a counselor in a prison. He sat and listened in our initital sessions. That’s it. I hated it at the time (because I explained so much about myself and my problems), but now? It was really the best thing he could have done.
So always check your counselor’s background – if all they’ve ever done is work in an office setting, that may be too “comfortable” for what you two really need in a couple’s counselor.

Post # 9
Member
3598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

96 texts in one day???  DH and I were in a LDR for a while before I moved to be with him, and we never had anywhere near that many texts!  And we were openly in a relationship.  Something fishy is going on between those two.

Both DH’s and my coworkers have our cell numbers for emergencies.  The rest of the time, we’d prefer that we be left alone.  

Post # 12
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

@JHop0924:  

“I did message her and told her what I thought and she basically told me my fiancé is a great guy, nothing was happening and that my insecurity and jealousy is going to ruin this. Bitch has nerve.”

Too right she has nerve!  How horrible for her to accuse you of making this a problem!

HUGS; this sucks, but I think you are wise to postpone whilst you sort this out.You have every right to get to the bottom of this; do not let some B tell you otherwise.


 

Post # 13
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@JHop0924:  She’s a “current events” person right now, but it might be worth it for you to look her up.
Basically she’s the wife of a mayoral candidate in NYC (and a really amazing and accomplished woman overall). He was caught sexting a few years ago, he quit politics and she forgave him. Now he’s been caught sexting (only, that’s all he’s doing) again, they have a little boy, he’s running for mayor, and she’s still forgiving him.

It might be good for you to read some analysis on her reactions – not random people’s opinions, but maybe Psychology Today will write an article about it. Or some other, more thoughtful publications will dive into the mechanics and thought process behind this type of infidelity (not the gossip). Because it really parallels what you are going through right now, it wonder if it might help you to understand your own situation and approach things better.

Post # 14
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Personally, I wouldn’t stick around. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. It’s disrespectful and essentially saying, “you are not good enough.” I wouldn’t marry someone who thought that way, nor is it worth going to counseling to “save.” If he doesn’t know in his own heart that he is committed, I don’t care to have a third party explain to him that he should.

No, way. Once trust is gone, it is nearly impossible to bring back. I would not be able to respect myself if I let a man cheat on me. I expect to be my FI’s first priority and that I will never come second to anyone…let alone another woman. Yes, all relationships have issues to work through but cheating is never excusable in a monogamous relationship.

Break up or don’t enter into one if you aren’t ready.

Post # 16
Member
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Honestly I send flirty messages all the time to other guys.  I don’t know if he’s actually cheating or not but I’m just saying.  Flirty messages don’t always mean cheating.  Some people are just flirts.

Edit:Some people do consider flirting cheating.  If your one of those people that’s fine as long as he knows that and accepts it.

 

 

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors