Post # 1
Have you ever had news that has rocked you to your core and put your life into perspective? After numerous tests, a good friend of mine has found out her baby is positive for Trisomy. I’m not sure which chromosome and frankly, I’m not about to ask. Either way, she’s obviously devastated and the whole thing has been playing on my mind all day. Why was she dealt the crappy hand? It just doesn’t seem fair. I came on weddingbee to have a flick through some threads and try to lift myself out of this sad and mopey mood. I’m giving her some space to digest the news with her husband and family. She doesn’t want to see anyone except her mama and husband. Which is completely understandable. I’m heartbroken for her and I just wish I could do something. If you’d asked me yesterday, looking at my bare ring finger, knowing my SO will propose any day now was my biggest worry and concern. Now looking at it, my bare ring finger is obviously A) not my top priority and B) seems really insignificant in the grand scheme of life.
Do you think I should send her some flowers or something? The news is still very raw but I want to show her I love her and I’m thinking of her through these hard times without bombarding her.
My heart hurts.
Post # 2
LondonCalling: I’d make a casserole or something and send it. Let her know you are there for her for whatever she needs.
What a terrible thing. It really does put things in perspective when something like this happens.
Post # 3
Bridey77: That’s a good idea. Even though her mum is with her, I highly doubt any of them feel like cooking.
It makes my life ‘drama’ look extremely small and petty and I’ve vowed to zip my lips about anything in my life until she’s doing better. Right now I just want to put as much energy as I can into being there for her.
Post # 4
If you look back through my post history, you’ll see I went through something very similar last fall. Our first child was diagnosed with severe spine and brain defects at 17w gestation. As someone who has been there, I can onyl say tht everyone reacts differently. I wasn’t physically able to speak about it for a long time because it killed me to say the words out loud– I felt like a jerk to all my friends who kept calling and texting and wanting to support me, but I just couldn’t.
I received flowers and gifts from my 4 closest girl friends, as well as a myriad of donations from WB users who helped us pay for travel and cremation costs thanks to the generosity of some of my fellow birth month moms who set up a gofundme account.
More than anything, letting your friend know you are there to do whatever when she needs it is helpful. Don’t expect her to tell you what she needs– offer something and do it. Whether that be flowers, food, a movie rental, etc, the thought is appreciated. You might even look in to support groups or resources in your area to connect her to.
As a closing note, it does get better with time. We heal and move forward. Ellie will ALWAYS be a part of our family, even though she didn’t live in our world. She will also become a big sister this November, when her little brother is scheduled to arrive. When she’s ready to talk or is considerinf TTC again, remind your friend to keep positive– we were pregnant again within 3 months of losing our daughter, and our boy is perfectly healthy.
Good luck to everyone.
Post # 5
I’m sure she’s having a rough time and will really appreciate knowing you’re there for her well. It’s nice of you to be so sympathetic.
Post # 6
OldMrsMcDonald: Thanks for this. I really just don’t know what to do or how to help. I’m going to send her some flowers first and foremost. Show her that I’m here for her and not just making silly promises via text message. I like the idea of a support group. I highly doubt researching this type of thing is high priority at the moment but it could help. I can’t even begin to imagine what she’s going through (and you went through.) Thank you for sharing your story. It surprises me how much love can be found floating around weddingbee. xx
Post # 7
I’m sorry to hear that. There’s not a lot you can do. And you need to understand that by not doing a lot as you want doesn’t mean you are a bad friend. Sometimes just letting time and space do their thing is best for everyone.
Just text/call her regularly to let her know that you are there. (I’m sure you are already doing that!) And sometimes just that’s good enough at times like these.
Sending over food is also a good idea that another PP mentioned.
Post # 8
Make something like a casserole or lasagna, and wrap it up in individual portions. That way if/when she remembers to eat, it’s easy to just unwrap and throw in the microwave or oven. That’ll help more than flowers right now.
Check in from time to time and see how she’s doing. After major news like this, she’ll get lots of calls in the first week or two, and then it’ll all stop. She’ll go from being overwhelmed to totally alone, and that’s really hard.
Post # 9
I know you dont want to ask (and I don’t blame you) but depending on the kind of Trisomy- the outcome can vary- which may adjust your response to her. As in, is it one that is quickly terminal, or is it Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome)? Because losing a baby to miscarriage or stillbirth is a different set of circumstances to having a child with Down Syndrome, where the child might live for decades. I am not trying to minimize either condition or curcumstance- just wanting to point out there are different types that may require different types of support. Sorry if this is super obvious to you already!
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
I would send her a card that just said, “I’m heartbroken at your news, and I just want you to know I’m always here for you. With love.” That way she knows you care, but you’re respecting her wishes by not calling her or stopping by. Then if she wants to reach out to you, she will. I can’t imagine getting a diagnosis like this. It’s got to be the most terrifying and horrible thing to go through knowing your child possibly won’t survive.
Post # 11
eeniebeans: This. It really can make a huge difference. Trisomy 13 and 18 have a poorer prognosis than 21. However, even 13 and 18 do not necessarily result in miscarriage or stillbirth, although it’s very possible. I’d take care not to treat this as a loss until you know.
Post # 12
First, you sound like an awesome friend. I think that she would appreciate anything you do that shows you’re thinking about her. Just pick something and send it. Casserole. Gift card. Card. Whatever. Let her know that you’re there if there’s anything you can do, but don’t pressure her to talk or do anything. She’ll appreciate your support more than the thing that is representing it. But I think food is always good.
Incidentally, there’s a huge range in what to expect from a Trisomy. Down syndrome is another name for Trisomy 21 and most people with Down syndrome lead long, healty, happy lives. Women with Trisomy X often don’t even know that they have it. Trisomy 13 and 18 are much more, medically, serious. So there are lots of possibilities. But it sounds like she’ll need your love and support through whatever it is.