My Heart Hurts

posted 2 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
5208 posts
Bee Keeper

LondonCalling:  I’d make a casserole or something and send it. Let her know you are there for her for whatever she needs. 

What a terrible thing. It really does put things in perspective when something like this happens.

Post # 4
2174 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

If you look back through my post history, you’ll see I went through something very similar last fall.  Our first child was diagnosed with severe spine and brain defects at 17w gestation.  As someone who has been there, I can onyl say tht everyone reacts differently.  I wasn’t physically able to speak about it for a long time because it killed me to say the words out loud– I felt like a jerk to all my friends who kept calling and texting and wanting to support me, but I just couldn’t.

I received flowers and gifts from my 4 closest girl friends, as well as a myriad of donations from WB users who helped us pay for travel and cremation costs thanks to the generosity of some of my fellow birth month moms who set up a gofundme account.

More than anything, letting your friend know you are there to do whatever when she needs it is helpful.  Don’t expect her to tell you what she needs– offer something and do it.  Whether that be flowers, food, a movie rental, etc, the thought is appreciated.  You might even look in to support groups or resources in your area to connect her to.

As a closing note, it does get better with time.  We heal and move forward.  Ellie will ALWAYS be a part of our family, even though she didn’t live in our world.  She will also become a big sister this November, when her little brother is scheduled to arrive.  When she’s ready to talk or is considerinf TTC again, remind your friend to keep positive– we were pregnant again within 3 months of losing our daughter, and our boy is perfectly healthy.  

Good luck to everyone.

Post # 5
29 posts
  • Wedding: August 2014


I’m sure she’s having a rough time and will really appreciate knowing you’re there for her well. It’s nice of you to be so sympathetic.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  Jillwill.
Post # 7
2311 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’m sorry to hear that. There’s not a lot you can do. And you need to understand that by not doing a lot as you want doesn’t mean you are a bad friend. Sometimes just letting time and space do their thing is best for everyone.

Just text/call her regularly to let her know that you are there. (I’m sure you are already doing that!) And sometimes just that’s good enough at times like these.

Sending over food is also a good idea that another PP mentioned. 

Post # 8
2367 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Make something like a casserole or lasagna, and wrap it up in individual portions. That way if/when she remembers to eat, it’s easy to just unwrap and throw in the microwave or oven. That’ll help more than flowers right now. 

Check in from time to time and see how she’s doing. After major news like this, she’ll get lots of calls in the first week or two, and then it’ll all stop. She’ll go from being overwhelmed to totally alone, and that’s really hard. 

Post # 9
6671 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I know you dont want to ask (and I don’t blame you) but depending on the kind of Trisomy- the outcome can vary- which may adjust your response to her. As in, is it one that is quickly terminal, or is it Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome)? Because losing a baby to miscarriage or stillbirth is a different set of circumstances to having a child with Down Syndrome, where the child might live for decades. I am not trying to minimize either condition or curcumstance- just wanting to point out there are different types that may require different types of support. Sorry if this is super obvious to you already!

Post # 10
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

I would send her a card that just said, “I’m heartbroken at your news, and I just want you to know I’m always here for you.  With love.”  That way she knows you care, but you’re respecting her wishes by not calling her or stopping by.  Then if she wants to reach out to you, she will.  I can’t imagine getting a diagnosis like this.  It’s got to be the most terrifying and horrible thing to go through knowing your child possibly won’t survive.

Post # 11
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

eeniebeans:  This.  It really can make a huge difference.  Trisomy 13 and 18 have a poorer prognosis than 21.  However, even 13 and 18 do not necessarily result in miscarriage or stillbirth, although it’s very possible.  I’d take care not to treat this as a loss until you know.

Post # 12
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

First, you sound like an awesome friend. I think that she would appreciate anything you do that shows you’re thinking about her. Just pick something and send it. Casserole. Gift card. Card. Whatever. Let her know that you’re there if there’s anything you can do, but don’t pressure her to talk or do anything. She’ll appreciate your support more than the thing that is representing it. But I think food is always good.

Incidentally, there’s a huge range in what to expect from a Trisomy. Down syndrome is another name for Trisomy 21 and most people with Down syndrome lead long, healty, happy lives. Women with Trisomy X often don’t even know that they have it. Trisomy 13 and 18 are much more, medically, serious. So there are lots of possibilities. But it sounds like she’ll need your love and support through whatever it is. 

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