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I'm sure if you read my previous post about my FI and I you'd see we had hit a rough patch. Well since then everything has been GREAT. That is.. until... YESTERDAY.
I'll try to make a long story short..My FI has a cousin who he (well used to) consider a sister. Lets name her "J".
J hates me for some ungodly reason and has tortured my relationship for the last 2 out of the 3 years. We both said some really mean things to eachother over the time. Well last Nov. my grandfather passed and J sent two huge displays of flowers to the family. I was greatful but still questioned "why". The January after (being this past Jan.) I decided to be the bigger person and apologize for all the bullshit i had said and make it a point that we are going to be family and to just get along. Her response was "you should be sorry, but i am not. you deserve this fuck off" (so then why send flowers to my dead grandfather... to make urself look bigger and better?)
Well Yesterday after about 6 months of silence.. she started spreading and posting things all over the internet about me. Ok fine sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.. i agree.. until she blurted out "yeah you think your man went out Monday night with his boys but he was with my girl"...
Mind you Monday is the first nite in a long time that my FI has gone out without me because we usually just do everything together. Having said that.. the girl herself starts contacting me tellin me (sorry for being so vulger - this woman is 34 with 2 kids talkin to me this way) "It was me sucking his dick Monday night, how did i Taste"..
(Now J is the type of person that would fabricate such a story becuase all she has ever tried to do is ruin this wedding)... He was with two boys.. that night.. one said yes he was with me the other said "i havent seen him in months"...
I am crushed and confused and my FI swears on life itself that he was with his boys that night but unless i can have proof and closure.. i am sick to my stomach.. please help me . i have 3 months left til this wedding and i dont wanna be a fool
Wow! I'm so sorry! Is there anyone else you can talk to in order to confirm his whereabouts? I think one of the bigger questions is though, do you trust him? Do you believe that he's telling the truth? Because if not, maybe you two should take a step back and re-examine. This girl sounds pretty cruel. I'm sorry she's being such a witch to you.
i would be concerned about the other guy "not having seen him in months" when your fiance said he was with him. when it comes to things like this, i feel like there is truth in something everyone is saying. if you don't trust your fiance, you need to make some very important decisions.
Wow, just wow. I am so sorry. This is a terrible situation. I second everything bridetobee said, do you trust him? Has he been acting weird lately? What are your instincts telling you? When someone cheats usually there are signs, you just need to notice them. It's strange that his one friend said he hadn't seen him in months. Until you figure out what's going on I would put ALL wedding plans on hold. You two may need some counseling as well. You must get to the bottom of this and you need to find a way to get this horrible toxic cousin out of your life. I need to run to work but I'm going to think some more about this... I am truly appalled and disgusted. I am so, so sorry. Nobody deserves to be treated and talked to like that.
I agree with Maganda286 that there is probably some truth in everything. Maybe he wasn't with his friends, but doing something not as bad, but still didn't want you to know about, and J knew that and took it and ran with it. There are SO many things that could be going on. I agree about counseling or maybe just get these characters all together and let them hash it out themselves so you can see what's true.
Oh no, this is a horrible situation! As far as the cousin, my sister's ex fiance (my sister is a lesbian) terrorized me behind my sister's back, and very publicly on her wedding planning blog. She even left nasty comments on my blog here! I did not like her and did not trust her character, and eventually it all came out and my sister ended their engagement. Just wanted to tell you that I know how it feels when a future family member spreads things about you in the internet!
As far as the possible cheating situation, I agree with the advice given above... I am so sorry that you are going through this!!! :(
Ugh, I'm so sorry to hear about this. That is just awful that J is trying to ruin your relationship! If I were in your shoes, I would first make sure that J doesn't know how I'm feeling--she seems like the type who wants a reaction out of you so for now, don't focus on her. Focus on your relationship with your FI and whether or not you really trust him. I do have a question though, how has your FI been handling this mess with J? Does he stick up for you, has he confronted her about her behavior, or even talked to her parents? It just seems a little off that he would allow this to go so far. Good luck! *hugs*
Oh, bridezilla, I am so sorry. I feel so terrible for you right now; what a horrible thing to have to deal with only a few months before your wedding. It sounds like, from your post, you might see a little validity in the other woman's claims. And the fact that one of your Fi's friends said he hadn't seen him in months is a huge red flag to me. If he had been out with that firend, wouldn't his buddy have said so?
Honestly, my advice is to stop and just freeze things for the moment. Don't do anything else with the wedding; the relationship needs to be the focus right now. Maybe you could move back in with your parents for a little while because it is going to be really hard to think things through rationally if you are with him 24/7, sleeping in the same bed, and worrying about non-essentials like household chores.
If he continues to deny everything, I think you need to do a little investigating. I wouldn't ask J or the other woman for more information; they don't seem very trustworthy. I would ask your Fi's friend who said he wasn't with your Fi that night. Do your Fi's friends have girlfriends, wives, sisters? I would ask them for help, too, because they might confide in them instead of telling you what really happened.
I'm a big believer that affairs aren't necessarily a deal-breaker for all relationships, but your Fi absolutely needs to know that recovering from this situation is a pretty big process. Even if he had nothing to do with this woman, and everything J and she are saying is lies, it's still bound to take away some of your trust in the relationship and in your Fi. It goes without saying that if their claims are true it's going to be even harder to get over. You've said before that he is not really interested in counseling, but I honestly think you have to push the issue. If there was an affair, a counselor will be able to help you evaluate the situation and decide to stay or go; if there wasn't an affair, the counselor will be able to give you some tools for dealing with J so you can protect your marriage.
Whatever happens, honey, we're all here for you. I'm definitely keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong and listen to your instincts. You'll make the right decision.
my FI is saying the reason his one friend said he wast with him is probably because "his girlfriend doesnt want him with me becuase we smoke pot and she doesnt want her bf smoking pot" ... I trusted him...
well... i also found out that when we first met.. he was "seeing" the girl that is contacting me about being with him on Monday ... i wanna vomit.
Hi Bridezilla,
((Biiiiig Hugs)) I'm so sorry you're going through this so close to your wedding day. I can undertand how you're feeling because I've been in a similar situation before... I've learned that when you feel something is wrong, in your gut, you have to trust those instincts. No matter how close it is to your wedding day, you should step out of the wedding planning mode and take time to yourself to look at the situation objectively. Things that are issues only get worse if they follow into the marriage unresolved. I agree with the others who are urging you to do a little more investigation, but at this point in the relationship, you'd hope that you know him better than for him to lie to you and you have to search for the truth. I think that you two should have a heart-to-heart and unaccusingly ask him if there's anything he wants to share with you or if he has any fears... and let him know that you're very open-minded to whatever he has to say. You never know what might come out of that, then you can avoid he-said/she-said drama. Stay strong and I hope you get to the bottom of this. Please keep us posted.
Take Care!
Oh dear, I am truly sorry for your situation. How horrible of FI's cousin - some people are just plain nasty and apparently have nothing better to do with their time but cause trouble.
But the real problem is that there is doubt in your mind. Like a previous poster - what are your instincts telling you?
With my ex - he started going out with his boys - at first once a week, then twice, until it was almost every nite and my instincts were telling me something was going on. Ex swore up and down he was just going out to drink with his buddies and listen to bands. Then I started getting calls for him from a female friend and when he would walk outside to talk to her, I KNEW what was up and then finally I caught them. To make matters worse, it took me over a year to get the bastard out of my house - apparently he thought I should continue to pay all the bills while he ran around with his skanky girlfriend.
NOW, I am NOT saying your FI is cheating! But do listen to your instincts. You should not be getting married if you have serious doubts. As heartbreaking as things may be - take it from someone who has gone through two divorces because of cheating - the heartache of divorce is far worse.
I wish I knew what to say, but *hive hugs* and be strong! Listen to your instincts and try to go to couples counseling. I do wonder though does he know how his cousin treats you? He just lets her get away with it?
I would have a serious talk with him, ASAP.
My FI has been so upset. He was at work working his 2 jobs that he got to pay for this wedding for ME while this was all taking place. He left work early and tried to get in his car to drive to PA.. thats where J lives.
He was and is beside himself. We went first thing to Verizon and changed his cell phone number.. so that this girl and J cannot contact him.. he deleted all there numbers and left J a voicemail saying "from this point forward you are dead to me, do not call, write or contact me, you are a miserable person and this is MY life, fuck off" (excuse my poor language).
We both couldnt sleep last nite and i opted for the couch.. although he begged me to lay in bed. .. We both laid there for a few hours just talking about it all.. i've never seen his face the way it was last night...
I even did that "please just tell me if you did.. i will leave peacefully i won't cause a war, its just not fair for me to enter into marriage with a lie. you know my dad did it to my mom and your dad to it to your step-mom and i refuse to follow in those footsteps. i deserve more then this shit ruining my life" And again he swears he was with his boys..
It sounds like he is really serious about being with them, but only you can know. I can understand why you'd have doubts though, looking at your families' history--that can be scary! (My parents are together, but my dad's dad was quite the ladies man, and my dad never wanted to be anything like that!)
I wish you the best of luck figuring out what is best for you!
Where was he with his boys? Can he produce a receipt or anything? What a hard thing to be going through! ((((hugs))))!
Good luck, sweetie... praying for you.
*HUGS* I don't have any advice, other than to trust your heart. Don't let this horrible woman plant doubt in your head if you know in your heart that your fiance is telling the truth.
*more HUGS* I hope this all resolves itself soon, for the better.
Hugs... I have gone through something very similar. you can pm me if you'd like and we can chat...
They were at a friends house.. i doubt there will be any paper proof.
Hi Bridezilla,
I'm only replying b.c. I *HAVE BEEN* the snarky, hateful (almost) sister-in-law. My brother was/is cheating on his long-time girlfriend, right from the start, and I can't pretend to be okay with the situation and just don't hang out with them and treat her like crap (hoping in a weird, round-about way that she will get fed up and move on?). But I'm also stuck b.c. I can't tell her what's going on, and I really, really want to and I really, really want her to get her head out of the sand.
But in the end you have to follow your feelings. I don't know. I usually think where there's smoke, there's fire, but that's just me.
Hope it all works out for you.
Bridezilla, I wanted to write again because my heart truly goes out to you. I was reading some of your old posts and if got me a little concerned because it sounds as though this is not the first time you've had doubts about his behavior. I don't know you so I can not pass judgement on your relationship, so please don't take this the wrong way... but I don't think this sounds like a healthy situation for you. I've been in several long-term relationships that (obviously) failed due to emotional and verbal abuse, cheating and just general apathy on my bf's part. I was blind at the time, and always though things would change, or that there was something wrong with me. It's wasn't until I met my fh, that I learned what it feels like to be truly repected and cared for. Love isn't always easy but it shouldn't hurt like this. Your intuition is always right. Maybe he hasn't cheated, but there is still something that is eating at you nonetheless... please listen to that little voice inside you, it won't ever lie. Situtations and relationships that are bad for us make us feel as though we've been poisoned. If you have had that sort of feeling for any substantial length of time, please just walk away. Respect yourself, you deserve to be with someone who is honest, sensitive, and who above all has integrity.
Ya know.. I myself have witnessed some unfortunate relationships and have tried to knock some sense into people. but that only goes so far... this girl has terrorized me for 2 years and done very low things... not even myself would think of...
She acts as if I killed her child or slept with her husband... just so rotton and low. Mind you this is a Puerto Rican family who is very protective and jealous... of eachother... sometimes i think they are all really sleeping with eachother and think the own eachother... I just don't get it
What does your FI do to stop her? Has he done anything? Harassment is illegal the last time I checked.
I literally just got a text message saying "Bitch, how u like ur so called man's dick last nite? it was good on monday night hahahaha.. dont be surprised if he cheats on u after ur married lol"
WHY DO I DESERVE THIS.. THIS GIRL HAS MY NUMBER TOO
I'm not one to condone violence (usually) but this girl seriously needs her ass kicked.
Oh boy, what a crap situation to be in. Sorry you're going through this. Sounds like you need to change your phone number also. Change e-mail addresses too if need be. Do not retaliate, although I know you'd probably like to right about now- one person can only take so much. These girls sound like ghetto trash, they thrive on drama. I'd be very suspicious of all of them to be honest, Fiance included. I'd get all the guys in the same room at once and ask who is lying and if it comes down to it......include the girls.....actually, no....wait- thats probably an awful idea since the situation is obviously very heated- I'd hate to see you on the next episode of Cops! What does his family and our family say about the matter?
You don't deserve this...is the answer. I read your post earlier and have been thinking on it a bit. As PP said, I don't know you so this is only based on what you've written. And to me it seems like there is *a lot* going on with your relationship right now. It may be just that his family is doing their best to make your life difficult, but when you marry someone you marry his family too. If they are the problem, then it will be hard for you. It seems to me that you really need some space to figure out what you want/need. My instinct is to say that maybe you should put wedding planning on hold, and consider what you want out of the marriage...and be honest with each other about whether you think you can provide what the other needs. B/c you need to be able to trust him, and you need to be treated with respect by his family (regardless of how they feel about you).
And in the meantime, you just need a big (Hug). I hope you are able to find some peace with all of this!
I believe a womans instincts/gut feelings are rarely wrong......what do you think happened? Honestly.
This family sounds nuts. No matter how great the guy is, a family like this would be a deal-breaker for me.
OMG I am so sorry about what you are going through. I horrified about J and that other woman with her nasty text messages. I cannot understand why she wants to harass you and ruin things.
It's really hard to say if your FI is cheating or not, but I think you really need to think about this. Is there anyone to check his phone records or something? I'm also kind of scared of the crazy family. Are there other family members on his side that is supportive?
*hugs* Really really sorry & hope this will work out.
I think its a good step that ur FI is going to such extremes to get them out of his life.. thats a good sign to me. You have to go with your heart though... if your gut is telling you there is something too suspicious.. then there is!! The gut instinct is right 99% of the time! I think its so crappy these girls are acting this way... whatever happened to girls sticking together and watching out for each other??? Rediculous! How trashy and pathetic are those texts they are sending???
I think u should rise above them and ignore them completely... work on the situation with your FI and try to forget them and what they are saying.
In the meantime, pass on their numbers to your Bee friends and we can barage them with a taste of their own medicine!!!!!!!!!!!! JK, obviously!! but it would be fun in a mean sort of way!! lol
Bridezilla, I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you. I agree with the general concensus here that if you DIDN'T already have existing trust issues with your man, you wouldn't put a second thought to what that manipulating B*tch J said. You would have just believed your man from the beginning and NOT EVEN CALLED his friends to confirm.
The story about the smoking is actually kind of believable. If you are on any kind of talking basis with that guy's girlfriend, of course he wouldn't want to tell you that's what he'd been up to.
All that being said, proceed with caution. I hope it all works out for you. It breaks my heart every time I see someone on here with a broken engagement. I can't imagine anything that would hurt more. Best of luck with it all. -EP
Does he feel SO bad b/c he's guilty? Or because you're hurting so much over the people in life doing this to you? There's a difference.
I agree this woman needs her butt kicked. That being said, she's going to a lot of extremes to taunt you. Call the cell company and have her number blocked. Call the police and say she's harassing you. If you have to, put a restraining order so she cannot contact you AT ALL anymore. I certainly wouldn't feel safe about having her near me.
And I just have to agree with all the previous posters. You guys have had issues before, and this is just adding more icing to the cake I think. I think you need to really work on the two of you before you get married, and 3 months may not be enough time for everyone's hearts to feel as if they're in the right place to committ to marriage. I think you need the time to figure out if your FI is telling the truth and if so, how you can avoid situations like this in the future. And if he's not, well, you need the time to decide if it's something to work on or something to walk away from.
Regardless of whether or not he was smoking pot, the fact that his friend claims to YOU that he hasn't seen his buddy in awhile tells me something. Guys usually stick up for their friends, and your FI's atittude of "well, i bet he just didn' twant his gf to know we were smoking" seems too nonchalant to me. I'd be TICKED if a friend "claimed" she hadn't seen me and given me the right alibi to clear me with MY significant other.
Sending some hugs your way, I really hope everything works out for the best
you can get the text messages and number blocked through your cell phone carrier. it takes seconds.... sorry you are going through this ((hugs))... and I agree with northernazbride i think... she seriously needs her ass kicked...
Save all of the communication you have with her, and call the cops. That might shut her up...
Keep us updated as well!
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's really terrible. I agree with previous posts. Block her number. Document any further contact/harassment. Hang in there.
I'm so sorry to hear this. Please try and put this situation into perspective and ask yourself is this the type of drama you want in your married life? Is this the type of situation you want to attach yourself to and perhaps bring children into?
I've been in a lot of serious relationships and what I've learned is that when it's the right guy for you, situations like this never occur because stand up guys do not surround themselves with liars, psychos, assholes, etc.
This is supposed to be the happiest time in your life and if it isn't now, it's not going to be once you're married. You shouldn't have a shadow of a doubt about a man when you walk down the aisle to join your lives. You deserve happiness and a lightness of being that only comes when you have the right one.
Unfortunately, what I've realized through trial and error is if you EVER need to step back and question your relationship or your man, it's a sign that something isn't right. People always ask "how do you know if he's the one?" and I always respond by saying "because you don't ever need to ask yourself that question".
Please seriously consider whether or not you can go forward knowing that there's always a kernel of truth to every situation...
Good luck and I hope your burden is lifted in one way or another!
Ladies..
I want to start by saying thank you so much for your opinions and thoughts and HUGS! .. This past week has been the hardest week of my life. I would like to answer some of the questions and tell you that the TRUTH did come out.
1) His family (meaning step mom, sister, father and cousin who is J's brother) were a mess also. They all called J to find out what the hell was going on and even tried to drive to PA. All are and were always on team "me". FI father even called J's mom and flipped out.
2) I found out from my FI father that he went through the SAME EXACT thing when we was about to marry FI's step mother. Only it was by J's mom. Of course i can't post details but yes it was true. Clearly this family does not like "outsiders".
3) Friday night at around 8 pm.. i broke down the worst i ever have. I begged for the truth (while over the phone) and FI said "i'll be right home, just wait". As my heart skipped a beat I thought omg after all this time he really did cheat?.. (honestly ladies my gut DID NOT tell me that what i was hearing was the truth. I really believed these ladies wanted to ruin my life but certain things just didnt make sense. Like how would she knows his outfit that night, or that he was even out?)
Having said all that.. FI came home... collapsed on the stairs hysterical crying and said.. "I TOLD YOU I WAS BEING FRAMED". .. FI did go out Monday night to meet up with his boys. Before doing so he stopped at Quick Check for gas and cigarettes. While he was there this "other girl" who we will call "N" and her cousin "S" were in the Quick Check parking lot. The did in fact talk and N asked FI to go with them to the local bar. He said he couldn't because he had plans. While he was out she called him and I happen to text him at the same time. He told her hold on my girl is textin me let me answer her". (This is how she knew what time i text him and what he was wearin and what time he went out). Then she said "well call me when you leave your friends house and we can meet up"... At 1:45 he called her to say "im leaving my friends house now and im going HOME". This is how she knew what time he left his friends.
Yes there was contact with this girl and yes he shouldn't have called her back to even talk. That is all something my FI and I are working on. He agreed to counseling and has agreed that he has been lying way to much and about nothing to important to possibly lose me. He lied about seein her because the story had gotten so out of control he thought he'd make it even worse which is why he told me he kept saying "PLEASE IM BEIN FRAMED IM TELLIN YOU IM BEIN FRAMED".
These girls may have ruined my life for a couple days but I have learned alot. I've learned the meaning of family.. who my friends are, and that my fiance and I are strong enough to overcome any obstacle.
That's wonderful! I'm so glad things are getting better for you!
I am glad he is open to counseling, because what STILL concerns me the most is that he SWORE he was with his two friends the entire night & the one guy said he hasn't seen him in months. I don't care what he says about the guys gf not letting him go because of pot or whatever, because the fact is that he lied to you when you confronted him about it. Why not just say "I was with _____" instead of what he did say? That is what concerns me.
He seems to have a very good story, so I hope that it all works out. You certainly do not deserve to have a life of misery with this man.
hugs!!
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