- 3 years ago
I am a semi-regular poster (but mostly lurker) and I went anonymous with this post…
I could really use some advice/help/encouragement.
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, long distance for 1,5 years. Throughout our entire relationship, my bf has had trouble committing to me, and we even broke up several times due to his commitment issues. Last time we broke up, we were apart for 1 year, then started seeing each other again, thinking it would be different this time. Shortly after we got back together, I had to move to a different country, but we decided to try and make it work.
The thing is, I have some deep issues with myself. Really low self-wroth, binge-drinking, bulimia in the past and now just occasionally emotional overeating (it is all under controle now and I do work on myself to get rid of these habbits). I had a rough childhood and my dad is an alcoholic, who used to beat up my mom and throw us out of our home (my mom and her 2 kdis). My past and my issues make me a rather difficult partner… I am a beautiful girl (so do other people say) but have zero confidence, hate my body, and I can get extremely needy, insecure, and I have some abandonment issues. All this time I knew (or thought) that I was the reason why my bf would not commit to me… So I was trying to work on myself, making myself ‘the perfect girlfriend’ so that he would realize that I am a great catch and propose… however, it would only last for a few weeks and then my anxiety, insecurities would come out to the surface.
Since spring 2013 we started having some serious issues in our relationship. My anxiety got really bad, I was paranoid that he didn’t love me, didn’t want to be with me, and it resulted in him cheating on me. He told me, and I forgave him. However, this resulted in some really bad trust issues in our relationship.
Fast forward to summer 2013 – he broke up with me. Said he wasn’t in love with me anymore, he couldn’t handle this any longer. I begged him to stay, suggested we take a break, then came down to see him and convinced him to give us another chance. He agreed, but was rather sceptical. Now, every time it is his turn to visit me, it gets pretty dramatic because I am paranoid he will not come to see me, start to pressure him to buy the flight ticket etc.
As you can read, the relationship is not healthy at all. He is not a bad person, but the circumstances are bad. Today, after another dramatic incident (me not trusting him that he will visit me), I am seriously considering to leave the relationship. For the last 6 months I was the only one doing the efforts to make us work. The last month was really good, he was loving and affectionate, and I felt really confident that it was going well, we didn’t fight and I was the confident girl he fell in love with 5 years ago. However, today I asked him how he feels and he said his feelings for me are not really developing – there is no progress that would make him want to commit to me.
All this time I thought if I just was less emotional, more confident, less needy, etc etc that it would prompt him to propose/want to live together, but now I am not so sure. I am thinking maybe we are just not meant to be, maybe we should just let each other go and look for happiness elsewhere. I am 29, turning 30 in 4 months, so I feel so old and lost and fear that I will never find anyone who will love me… L I am surrounded by people who are getting married and pregnant, and the thought of being single and almost 30 makes me so anxious… I had the illusion I would spend my life with him, that one day we will be happy and he will love me as much as I love him, but I am starting to think that it may never happened and it breaks my heart.
On one hand I am so sick and tired of his indecisiveness and I just want to be happy in a relationship, I want to feel loved, desired, and he is not giving it to me now. On the other hand, he is my best friend, I love him so much still and the thought of not having him in my life hurts so, so, so much.
Sorry if this is long. I am sitting at work crying now. We are going to talk tonight and I think he will also say that he does not see any hope for us. My dilemma right now is whether to end it now, or tell him that I would like him to really decide what he wants and after Christmas we have the talk again and decide what to do… still hoping that magically his feelings for me will change. Probably not realistic though. I’ve read all kinds of books a la “why men love bitches”, and trying so hard to be that bitch, but cant seem to stay that way for a long time.
I am just afraid that if we break up now, I will always feel that he was the one ‘who got away’, and he will meet this perfect, confident, easy-going girl in 3 months and marry her in 6, and I will be left alone and miserable for the rest of my life.
Bees, what do you think I should do?
Please feel free to be blunt and honest – I would be very grateful for any kind of input!