My heart is breaking…please advice..

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
873 posts
Busy bee

oh sweety, i think you need to let this one go. i think you need to focus on making yourself happy and healthy on your own. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Post # 4
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@heartbrokenandconfused:  Really sorry you’re going through this. Honestly, this doesn’t sound like a happy relationship, and it doesn’t sound like he’s really willing to work on it. Sounds like you both gave up a long time ago. I don’t see this relationship blossoming into marriage anytime soon.

My suggestion is to let it go during your talk tonight. He needs to get his priorities straight and figure out what he wants in a person and a relationship. YOU need to check yourself into some counseling or group sessions for your image issues and learn how to love yourself. None of that is EVER an excuse for him cheating, but it can severely hurt the relationship, and you want to love yourself. You are number one, right? Be single, go out, have fun, work on body image issues by working out or experimenting with makeup or get out there and find a cool new hobby. Lots of things you can do to improve 🙂

I hope everything goes better in the future.

Post # 5
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@heartbrokenandconfused:  Let it go. It’s not worth the mental anguish. Take some time to be on your own and work on yourself. Do not worry about being single at 30, it’s not as rare as it may seem. You deserve the best and you’re not allowing yourself to have that right now.

Post # 6
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@heartbrokenandconfused:  

“On one hand I am so sick and tired of his indecisiveness and I just want to be  happy in a relationship, I want to feel loved, desired, and he is not giving it  to me now. On the other hand, he is my best friend, I love him so much   still and the thought of not having him in my life hurts so, so, so much.”

 

How can you expect someone to give you things you are not even willing to give yourself?  I think the best thing you can do is get out of this relationship for good and start focusing on your issues.  Be your own best friend and then try to date again.  Good Luck

Post # 7
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

In my opinion, being 30 and single is better than being in an unhealthy relationship ( your words), and being unhappy.  Don’t let your age make you afraid of being alone, or afraid to end this relationship.  I met my H at 34, and had been through most of my friends getting married, having babies, etc. If anything, it meant I had lived my own life, dated enough to know what I wanted/didn’t want, and I was ready for commitment.  

🙂  Good luck!   

Post # 8
Member
2449 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

There’s a reason you have broken up so many times, he’s not the one. Let him go and take some time for yourself. You need to learn to love yourself first and know you’re worthy of love. It will hurt at first but eventually it will get better. At 30 you still have plenty of time to find someone that will treat you how you deserve to be treated.

Post # 9
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Oh dear. He is not the one who “got away”. He is the one that should STAY AWAY. I promise you even if he/you stayed you will be chasing this dream that he will not cheat and you will become a great girlfriend/wife. None of this is real. You are unhappy and that came before he did. You cannot rely on him to make you happy. You need to work on yourself FOR yourself. Not for ANY man. Once you are happy with yourself alone or not, Mr.Right will come. He will love you because he loves everything about you-flaws and perfections.

The man you are with now sounds like a total loser. Yes I am sure you love him but it also sounds like most the time you are with him it has been toxic. Is this how you want to remember the rest of your life with eachother? Because that is exactly how it will be. Say you marry then you could possible divorce and be alone in your 30’s and still have not worked on your self-esteem. You need to love yourself NOW. Love is tricky. Leave him for yourself. Work on yourself and everything will fall into place. FACT.

I have been in similar shoes as you and it was heartbreaking. Sometimes it still is. I was with him for 7 years and he couldn’t commit. I hated my myself and loved him with all my heart. He left me because he couldn’t stand how insecure I was and he was a total prick to begin with. Sure i still think of what “could have been”. The truth is it wouldn’t have worked no matter what card life dealt me. In the end it all lead to me figuring out what I wanted out of myself and what I was worth. Then I found my now FI. Took me years but worth every action I took. 

You are worth so much more than what you give yourself credit for. Find yourself pretty lady. Ditch the man and move on with your life. Find a new future. Best of luck!

Post # 10
Member
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@hassle_J:  +1

OP, I am so sorry to hear everything you are going through. But I agree, don’t let your age determine your relationship – you will meet someone who is a better match when you are happy and more comfortable with yourself, and when the time is right. Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

He doesn’t sound like “the one who got away” to me.
He sounds like “the one who was given multiple chances and STILL can’t commit.”

Post # 12
Member
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Being blunt and honest here – it’s too broken to fix.

You need to spend some time alone and work on yourself a little bit. This guy cheated on you… he left you multiple times… he’s not worth it. If you stay with him this pattern will continue to repeat itself over and over.

He doesn’t value you, and no matter what you do (say you did magically transform into the “perfect”, confident girlfriend) NOTHING will change him.

It’ll get better.

I had a 5 year on/off mess similar to what you’re describing. When I finally decided to throw in the towel, my life got infinitely better!

Post # 13
Member
2421 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I’m a firm believer that the relationship is dead as soon as one person says they want out.  It’s never good to convince the person to stay.  You deserve more than that.  I’m sorry. 

About the age thing – don’t worry about that. 29 is still very young.  I know, I turned 30 single and I was concerned I might never find anyone.  My exbf and I had broken up at 27 and I hadn’t dated anyone more than once or twice since.  Everyone told me I was still young and I had plenty of time.  I heard all the cliches.  I didn’t have much choice – I was single and time keeps going.  And like everyone said, it all worked out.  I’ll be 32 when we get married and this relationship is so much better than I could have dreamed.  

You will be ok if you let him go.  Relationships are work, but they shouldn’t be ALL work.  If you let him go, embrace your 30s (IMO, they’re waaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than your 20s!) and enjoy yourself and life!  You can’t force love.

Post # 14
Member
1175 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@heartbrokenandconfused:  I am sorry.  But you need to walk away from this one.  Get yourself into some kind of therapy.  You cannot love another until you fully love yourself.  Again, I am so sorry.  But take this time and focus on you.  You deserve happiness regardless of what your history is.  

ETA.  This guy is a jerk!  He seems to be taking advantage of the fact that there is problems in the relationship.  You are better without him!

Post # 15
Member
1249 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Since you said it’s ok to be blunt and honest I will say this: end this relationship, get yourself into some serious therapy and don’t get into a partnership with another person until you are healthier yourself. 

 

Good luck with everything

Post # 16
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@megz06:  You will never have the relationship you want until you get  your issues under control–not for a man, but for  yourself. You dont have to be perfect, no one is, but you will always attract the wrong kind of guy until you’ve dealt with your childhood pain and adult issues. 

I know you feel like if you could just find and keep a man to love you forever and ever all your pain will go away. Sorry, life doesnt work that way. More often than not damaged, not healed people attract damaged, not healed people and create unstable relationships. It leads to a life of upheaval and chaos. (Just look at your current relationship. Even if he commits, it will still be chaotic.) Add to this the pressure to “find someone now before I get too old” and it leads to bad, bad decisions.

I watched friend after friend get married and have kids. But I didnt want to settle. I also saw those same friends, end up in bad unhappy marriages, divorced and horrible child custody fights. I just waited (even though it was hard). I met DH at 38, married at 40. We’ve been married 3 years and we are so happy. I keep waiting for the Honeymoon to be over, but it just keeps going. 

But the only way I got there was lots of hardwork. I spent most of my 20’s in therapy and reading self help books. Because I dealt with my issues, they arent infecting my marriage. My friend who thought I was nuts for going to therapy, they are paying the price now with problems in their marriages. 

Please breakup with him and learn to love yourself, flaws and all.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors