Post # 1
Fi had a night out yesterday and came home drunk. When he’s drunk he is such a sweetheart was all cuddly and just happy. As we were curled up together he told me that he loves his ex. Not me but his EX!! I was caught off guard as we weren’t even talking at the time he was just watching a movie. He continued to tell me that he still loves her and its hard for him to love me because of that. Just like he started talking out of no where he just stopped. I didnt press it at the time since he had been drinking and not that he would get defensive I just figured it wasnt worth me trying to understand it while he wasnt completely sober. We went to bed and all I did was toss and turn. When he got up this morning I let it sit for a bit and then my anxiety just continued to get worse all day. I finally sat him down and we talked about it but he didnt remember saying any of it. He says he doesnt have those feelings but I cant help just feel my heart hurting and my anixety getting worse. I know I have no reason to doubt him but I have no clue what is going on. I knew he dated in the past but he said that none of the girls were ever serious or last more than a couple of months, Im being to doubt this. It took him what seemed like forever to tell me that he loved me, but it turns out that he told her pretty fast in their relationship (1 month) and I had to wait almost a year and that was after being friends for many years prior. I cant make reason of anything that is going on and he keeps saying it didnt mean anything but my past with other guys tells me it is a big deal. Im just a complete mess, cant concentrate on anything and my heart is just aching after hearing him say that he loves her so much. I have no clue what to do
Post # 3
@anemone681: I just wanted to say I’m so sorry your going through this.
Does he often drink so much that he doesn’t remember much? Just doesnt add up to me that he doesn’t remember
Post # 4
@MsChandler: He doesnt often drink in general, maybe a beer once or twice a week during a football game. He doesnt normally get drunk and even if he is drunk he’s been able to remember bits but all he is claiming to remember is sitting on the couch with me once he got home.
Post # 5
@anemone681: I’m so sorry. I wish I had words of wisdom but I really feel lost when reading your post. Hurtful words do tend to echo in our hearts. *hugs*
Post # 6
@anemone681: Yikes! I’m sorry bee!
It’s like this: Just because you are drunk DOES NOT give you a free pass to say what you want and then forget about it or brush it off. I’ve personally had family members who have done this to me and I have distanced myself from them for this reason.
I would consider having another talk with your man. This is your FI…how much progress have you made on planning your wedding? Can you push it back a bit? I would have to put my foot down and request counseling, or I would tell him that I need time to process what this all means. I’d also make it clear that he’d never have to worry about me saying something like this to him, because, it’s not true. If he honestly can’t remember what he said, then maybe he needs to give up drinking for a while.
At the end of the day….we all have our pasts. BUT…If I EVER was made to feel second to another woman…Like I was not #1 in my guy’s life, I’d have to end it no matter how much it hurts. I don’t think I’d want to go through my life with the anxiety of wondering if he loves this other woman still, or if she came back into his life if he’d just drop everything to be with her.
Post # 7
You say you have no reason to doubt him, but he just gave you a HUGE reason to doubt him. I personally believe that alcohol is truth serum, so it would be impossible for me to get over the things he said. Sorry you’re going through this 🙁
Post # 8
@anemone681: Ouch! I think the only way to get past this is counseling. You will never be able to logic your way through this. It will take time and effort on his part to overcome the emotional dings he created.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park
I’m going to interpret what he said in a different way: To me, it sounds like what is at the ROOT of what he is saying is that he still has feelings of love for his ex (this isn’t abnormal, really, it can take a long time to heal) and that because their breakup hurt him, he is having difficulty being vulnerable with you in the same way. He isn’t saying that he doesn’t want to be with you, he said that he had trouble feeling love in the same way for you– that seems to me that he wants to try, but perhaps he’s really got a big mental block in place. I’d recommend counseling to talk about how to be more open and vulnerable with each other… otherwise I’d say you two are at a crossroads.
Post # 10
@anemone681: Just want to say that my DH in the past used to get drunk alot and he tells me he knew what he was doing or said to people..might be a bit fuzzy the next day but he would have an idea…
Sorry you are going through all this but hopefully your FI is not lying to you..
Post # 11
I am not sure I would have stayed with someone who took nearly a year to say he loved me. Add to that what he said last night, and I think I would have already left. Despite his denials, I agree with a PP in consider alcohol to be a “truth serum” of sorts.
If you’re interested in staying and trying to resolve this, I would encourage doing so with the help of a professional.
Post # 12
@veryberry13: we have just been looking and nothing set in stone for the wedding yet bit I don’t even care about that. I did tell him I need this week to just sort it out or else I’m gonna make myself sick. I’m staying with a friend but it’s just so hard to process him saying this
@Cory_loves_this_girl: I believe it’s truth serum too as I’ve experienced exes doing similar things and them ending out being true which makes this that much harder to hear
@cherrypie: i get what you are saying and that’s probably what he meant at the time but they dated 4 years ago and she treated him like shit basically leaving him because he told her that he loved her. How do you still love some who you dated not that seriously for 2 months who treats you like that after I’ve been so caring toward him. I just feel second rate
Post # 13
Sorry. It sounds like he is hung up on his ex.
Best thing you can do is get him to confront his feelings. It doesn’t mean the end of your relationship but things will probably be tough for the next little while. I generally think it’s better to work things out privately, but in this case you might want to get a counselor involved. Your fiancé needs to gain perspective and it should to come from an impartial source. Relationships end for a reason. Your fiancé needs to be reminded to appreciate what he has.
Post # 14
@anemone681: Honestly I would refuse to go any further with anything until he explained himself, and owned up to remembering it. I just feel like if I was in your position there would always be this uncertainty and I would never be able to believe him. It’s hard to move on without getting the fullstory! Is he still in cnontact with her?
Post # 15
@MsChandler: no he has no contact with her since they broke up. I’m close to one of his friends and he said after she left him he just shrugged it off and ignored her. I told him everything is on hold at the moment. I know sometimes he doesn’t remember some things while drinking but he had an actual conversation with me how do you not remember that
Post # 16
@anemone681: That’s kinda the weird thing, maybe it all just came out wrong? I know that my FI took a while to say that he loved me because his ex one day came out and said she was no longer in love with him. It meant it took him a while to trust and open up to me. It could be possible that he meant to say something like that, drunkenly scrambled his words and made a mess of it and is too scared to talk about it now?