My heart just keeps hurting

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@anemone681:  I just wanted to say I’m so sorry your going through this.

Does he often drink so much that he doesn’t remember much? Just doesnt add up to me that he doesn’t remember

Post # 5
3845 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@anemone681:   I’m so sorry.   I wish I had words of wisdom but I really feel lost when reading your post.   Hurtful words do tend to echo in our hearts.  *hugs*  

Post # 6
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@anemone681:  Yikes!  I’m sorry bee!

It’s like this: Just because you are drunk DOES NOT give you a free pass to say what you want and then forget about it or brush it off.  I’ve personally had family members who have done this to me and I have distanced myself from them for this reason.

I would consider having another talk with your man.  This is your FI…how much progress have you made on planning your wedding?  Can you push it back a bit?  I would have to put my foot down and request counseling, or I would tell him that I need time to process what this all means.  I’d also make it clear that he’d never have to worry about me saying something like this to him, because, it’s not true.  If he honestly can’t remember what he said, then maybe he needs to give up drinking for a while.

At the end of the day….we all have our pasts.  BUT…If I EVER was made to feel second to another woman…Like I was not #1 in my guy’s life, I’d have to end it no matter how much it hurts.  I don’t think I’d want to go through my life with the anxiety of wondering if he loves this other woman still, or if she came back into his life if he’d just drop everything to be with her. 

Post # 7
7194 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

You say you have no reason to doubt him, but he just gave you a HUGE reason to doubt him. I personally believe that alcohol is truth serum, so it would be impossible for me to get over the things he said. Sorry you’re going through this 🙁

Post # 8
5815 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@anemone681:  Ouch! I think the only way to get past this is counseling. You will never be able to logic your way through this. It will take time and effort on his part to overcome the emotional dings he created.

Good Luck!

Post # 9
1059 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

I’m going to interpret what he said in a different way: To me, it sounds like what is at the ROOT of what he is saying is that he still has feelings of love for his ex (this isn’t abnormal, really, it can take a long time to heal) and that because their breakup hurt him, he is having difficulty being vulnerable with you in the same way. He isn’t saying that he doesn’t want to be with you, he said that he had trouble feeling love in the same way for you– that seems to me that he wants to try, but perhaps he’s really got a big mental block in place. I’d recommend counseling to talk about how to be more open and vulnerable with each other… otherwise I’d say you two are at a crossroads.

Post # 10
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@anemone681:  Just want to say that my DH in the past used to get drunk alot and he tells me he knew what he was doing or said to people..might be a bit fuzzy the next day but he would have an idea…


Sorry you are going through all this but hopefully your FI is not lying to you..


Post # 11
2593 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I am not sure I would have stayed with someone who took nearly a year to say he loved me.  Add to that what he said last night, and I think I would have already left.  Despite his denials, I agree with a PP in consider alcohol to be a “truth serum” of sorts.  

If you’re interested in staying and trying to resolve this, I would encourage doing so with the help of a professional.

Post # 13
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Sorry. It sounds like he is hung up on his ex.

Best thing you can do is get him to confront his feelings. It doesn’t mean the end of your relationship but things will probably be tough for the next little while. I generally think it’s better to work things out privately, but in this case you might want to get a counselor involved. Your fiancé needs to gain perspective and it should to come from an impartial source.  Relationships end for a reason. Your fiancé needs to be reminded to appreciate what he has. 

Post # 14
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@anemone681:  Honestly I would refuse to go any further with anything until he explained himself, and owned up to remembering it. I just feel like if I was in your position there would always be this uncertainty and I would never be able to believe him. It’s hard to move on without getting the fullstory! Is he still in cnontact with her?

Post # 16
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@anemone681:  That’s kinda the weird thing, maybe it all just came out wrong? I know that my FI took a while to say that he loved me because his ex one day came out and said she was no longer in love with him. It meant it took him a while to trust and open up to me. It could be possible that he meant to say something like that, drunkenly scrambled his words and made a mess of it and is too scared to talk about it now?

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