Post # 1
I could use some advice.
My boyfriend and I just recently got engaged. We have now been together for 7 years and we spent several months looking at rings together. We picked out the perfect ring. It was beautiful; simple, classic, clean…I was in love. Out of nowhere his family offered him his great grandmothers ring, whom neither of us had met before she passed. I have a hard time with the whole heirloom thing. My family is nothing short of a mess. We have had several conversations about how I couldn’t wait to start a life together as a family, a fresh start. I even tried to talk to him when I found out about the heirloom ring but he was set on using it. My fiancée had it modified and I don’t think it is ugly by any means, but looking at it I feel hurt. I feel like it’s not mine, like I’m playing dress up and I’m have a hard time understanding why he’d let me fall in love with a ring that we got to pick out together and then just change it without thinking how it would make me feel.
I’m so excited to marry him. I’ve loved him for so long. But I’m afraid to talk to him and hurt his feelings, especially when I feel there isn’t a good solution. I don’t feel as though resetting it would help, to me the stone represents someone else’s love story, someone we know nothing about except her name. I would feel uncomfortable asking for a new ring. I want this ring to mean to me what I know it is meant to, but for some reason I can’t seem to get there. What do I do?! I’ve kept my mouth shut for over a month. But I have a pit in my stomach. I feel selfish and materialistic and awful. Please Help!
Post # 2
I would say ask for a re-set… The setting is what “makes” the ring I think… and know even buying a stone from a jewler can be used/reused the date on mine is from 1999 (I got it last year). Some one owned it before me and traided it in.
Be careful but you should talk to him, say that you love and feel honoured that his family gave you two the ring and you want to keep the stone but the setting doesn’t feel “you” or “us”. Say you would like to look at settings to have it put in.
The diamond is the crazy costly part so hopefully it wont be a big deal. I can understand that if neither of you met her or knew her that the ring would have no meaning.
I got my grandmothers wedding band who I never met, but my grandfather was very loveing and ment a lot to me so having the ring he gave her had meaning to me, its a different story for every one.
Post # 3
Elle711: Just say no thanks. Heirlooms are just that and they deserve to be worn by someone who can appreciate them for their full value. So you aren’t into it, no biggie. Trust me, marriage is hard enough and there may be a time that you have a much harder conversation over a more complex problem. Consider this little hiccup practice for communicating and understanding.
Post # 4
I have an heirloom ring and I love the fact that my ring has been through one love story and is continuing onto another love story. And I love the fact that someday it will grace the finger of another woman who will give it yet another love story and add on to its history. I know that my ring has a history of love behind it. I am honored every day to be the recipient of this fabulous ring that is so special to my FI’s family.
I am sorry that you cannot see that the woman who once wore that ring was in love, excited to start a new life with her husband, looked at her ring with lots of love and dreamed of the future that she would have as a married woman. Someone pretty much like you … dreaming about her wonderful future with the man who loves her. <br /><br />I am also grateful that my FI saved on the cost of a ring by using the heirloom that I am honored to wear on my finger. I am glad that we didn’t have to spend a dime on the ring and were able to use that money towards our home.
I did not know the woman who wore my ring, although have some photographs of her. MyFI was very little when she passed. I wish I knew her story beyond what I do know. I just hope that she is smiling down on us, is happy that her legacy lives on, and that her ring is loved as much as it is.
If you don’t like the ring, give it back. There is someone in your FI’s family who will be thrilled and honored to wear it and be proud that the ring has a history. But don’t be surprised if you don’t get another ring.
Post # 5
Elle711: Do you truly dislike the heirloom ring? Can you look at it as your FI’s family want to welcome you into their family, so they offered one of their treasured heirlooms? Maybe the wedding band can be the ‘new beginning, fresh start’.
Is it the whole ring (stone and setting) you have objection to? or just the style of the setting? If you don’t like the setting, maybe you can ask them if they would mind taking the stone out of the heirloom and setting it in the setting that you and your FI had originally picked out, so it fits what you originally wanted? They may not want it separated from the ring, though. If they don’t, or you truly want the ring that you and FI had originally picked out, then find a way to tactfully give it back and convey your appreciation of their gift.
If you think about it, most stones that are sold in jewelry stores as ‘new’ aren’t necessarily ‘new’. They may be from a ring that someone decided to trade in for an upgrade, or pawned, sold from a divorce, etc. At least you know some of the history of the stone/ring from your FI’s family.
Post # 6
Can you post a picture of your heirloom, and a picture of what you wanted?
Post # 7
You already said you tried to talk to your FI about this issue yet he still proposed with the heirloom ring. I think it’s pretty clear how he feels about the situation. While I understand that you want a ring that is unique to you and your FI, you may come off as selfish and ungrateful to his family if you don’t tread lightly. This is an awful predicament to be in and I know you can’t help how you feel.
I didn’t have a say in my engagement ring and it too has heirloom components. I would never change it because my hubby was sooo excited when he gave it to me and it means a lot to me that his family gave me a part of their history.
Maybe you can talk to your FI about picking out the wedding band together?
Post # 8
I would talk to your fiance about it! My ring is an heirloom (it was his grandmother’s and they were very close), but he knows I still would like a bigger stone one day. If it’s so important to him that you wear it, why not suggest wearing it as a right hand ring?
If that doesn’t work, reset it!
Post # 9
First I would like to thanks all of you so much for your input. It means a lot that you would be willing to take time to give me advice. Second, I will attach a picture of my ring. And emstar168 no I don’t dislike the ring I think it is pretty in its own way.
I am happy that the family would give me the ring but all of them didn’t seem very attached to it either they didn’t know about it until about a month before FI got it from his aunt. Either way It is pretty but I’m very much so not an antique person. I like clean modern lines to a fault. I have found myself cleaning the ring several times a day (this worries me by the way-is this safe for the ring? I use an ultrasonic jewelry cleaner) I don’t have a picture of the ring we picked. It was a plain four prong solitaire and the matching band we chose was a small eternity band. I’m worried the band we chose together won’t work with this ring because it doesn’t sit flush with the ring.
I am a sentimental person and I want to love this ring since it is my engagement ring but it just doesn’t feel right. Is this something I will get over with time? Should we still get the wedding band we selected together even though it won’t match the engagement ring? Or just wear the wedding band alone after our wedding and look forward to passing the ering on to our kids?
Post # 10
Personally think the ring is gorgeous? There’s lots of W rings you could match with it. I’d personally keep that one as it is. Maybe your FI thought an heirloom would mean more?
Post # 11
Your FI clearly didn’t listen to you. I would be hurt by that alone. You said you didn’t want the heirloom ring and wanted something that was “you guys.” Does your FI not care at all about how you feel? Generally, many men are pretty practical and it is easier to give away a ring that’s free than one that isn’t- is that why he gave you that ring as opposed to purchasing one? It would be one thing if he was close to his great-grandmother but he never met her and from what you said, the ring isn’t special to him either. I would have a talk with him and ask for a ring that is “you.”
Post # 12
Elle711: First of all I think your ring is absolutely gorgeous – very modern and not at all what I imagine when I think of heirloom jewellery. However I completely understand where you’re coming from – I got engaged last week and my FI proposed with a ring we designed together using stones from my Mum’s old engagement ring. My parents are divorced and this ring caused a lot of friction between my parents when they were separating (my Mum had her original solitaire ring from Dad remodelled incorporating a stone from her first fiance’s ring :/ so I can totally understand why Dad disliked the ring!). I was initially worried about using the stones because I was worried about the negative connotations that came with them. However I’m lucky enough to work in jewellery and my now fiance and I designed an absolutely beautiful rose gold setting for the three stones and it really does feel like a whole new ring. The stones are absolutely gorgeous and the setting is very different to the old one. At the end of the day I have a good relationship with both my parents (even if their relationship was not a nice one in the end!) and I’ve come to like the fact that I was able to turn their sad love story into a happy one! We’ve had so many compliments on how beautiful the setting and the rose gold are (the original ring was yellow gold) so the bottom line is if you’re really not happy with it maybe consider remaking it (if your FI is happy with this idea) – a new setting or different metal or even adding a few smaller stones and turning into a three stone/cluster ring might really help in making the ring feel more like yours!!
Post # 13
Elle711: I feel for you…I second PPs about treading lightly, and maybe mentioning resetting the same stone. I think that would majorly change the feel of it. I too, would not feel comfortable wearing what was once someone else’s ring..don’t feel guilty. You have the right to love your e-ring, just be gentle with him.
Ellicott: An heirloom ring isn’t for everyone…it’s such a personal item, and everyone has different opinions-doesn’t make hers wrong or yours right. It could either be seen as a continuing love story, or someone’s hand-me-down.
Post # 14
Elle711: My heirloom ring didn’t feel like “mine” for a really long time, even though I thought it was beautiful. Now, going on a year later, I found myself out of nowhere thinking of it as “my” ring. Give it time! Maybe if it is important to him, you can wear it for now, and get “your” ring as a right hand ring or to commemorate a special anniversary. But it’s a really personal issue; you may change how you feel, but if you are really and truly uncomfortable, maybe you should have the conversation with your fiance sooner rather than later. Honestly, I think the fact that I did not know the woman that the ring originally belonged to helps; I also have my mom’s ring, and I absolutely cannot wear that on a daily basis; it feels like her ring.
Post # 15
Elle711: if the only reason you don’t like it is because it was someone else’s once, I think you’re being dramatic. But if you don’t like a ring for how it looks, who cares where it came from?
You can have it reset if it means that much to you. If you just don’t want it, talk to your guy. Stewing over it will only make it worse. But after shopping for a ring, he should have asked you if you wanted the heirloom. I understand getting your hopes up on a ring you chose. But you need to say something before it comes out and feelings get hurt.