- 5 years ago
My SO and I have been together for 2 years, he’s 32 and I’m 35. The first year was a little rocky, as my SO was very determined to try to iron out every detail, but we have settled in nicely, and I believe that we have a solid foundation on which to build a great life. The problem, I’m ready to move forward with our lives together as husband and wife. I thought he was on the same page… We adopted kittens together, moved into a much bigger place, I’ve met everyone in his family, he tells me all the time that I’m his ”rock” and about how much he wants to make me happy, and his job may be moving him to NY late next year & when he mentions it, he mention “us” moving there. Long distance relationships have never worked for me, but neither does uprooting my life for my boyfriend. I would absolutely move and support my husband though, and I have expressed this him on a couple of occasions when we were discussing potential states to move to. So when, earlier this month, he mentioned that he bought a ring for me… I was so excited because I love him so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. There was no way, just no way, I thought, that we’re not on the same page.
I was wrong. He did give me a ring on Christmas Eve, but it’s not an engagement, it’s not even close to an engagement ring. Fast forward to Christmas morning after showering (it’s just the two of us this year, so we didn’t plan anything beyond relaxing.) I put on the ring, I admit I was very disappointed but still happy about wearing a gift from my love, when I noticed a major flaw in the ring. Knowing that he would want to know & take it back to the jeweler, but still struggling with all the emotions surrounding the ring, I went to tell him about the flaw. As I was telling him I could feel the emotions welling up (yep, you know what’s coming…tears) but as much as I tried not to, when he asked me “Is there anything else wrong?” I couldn’t lie. I broke down and told him that as much as I love him and appreciated the gift, I was disappointed that it wasn’t an engagement ring because I thought we were on the same page regarding moving forward with our relationship.
My SO was surprised and a lengthy conversation ensued. I was very embarrassed and feeling vulnerable, but I continued with the conversation, it covered things ranging from the reasons why I thought he would propose to what we thought our future would be like, having children (timeframes…I’m 35 and I don’t want to wait until I’m 40 to have children), to if I wanted to stay home with the kids full-time in their early years. I was getting a little frustrated because I have told him the answers to all of these questions before, but he acted like it was the first time he was hearing the answers. He also knows that I’m flexible regarding having children. Having children is not a must for me, but if I do, I want to have them before I’m 40. I left the conversation feeling unsettled and unsure of what to do next.
Last night was a sleepless night. I go back and forth between telling myself that I did all the wrong things and then saying to myself “Well, I really can’t wait forever, and I do deserve to be with someone who is on the same page. Perhaps we needed this small crisis to move our relationship forward.” All I know for sure is that he says that he wasn’t thinking about proposing right now because he’s been busy with work. He’s always busy with work though, he’s a lawyer, so I don’t know when he was planning on thinking about it…
It’s been a long road, and I finally feel like I have the right person at just the right time, when I learn that everything I thought was wrong. I’m embarrassed and I don’t know what to do. I feel shattered and anxious. What should I do, ask him questions, not say anything, plan for the inevitable? Any thougthful advice will be appreciated, my mother passed away 6 years ago, and I really don’t have anyone to discuss this with…