Post # 1
Hi! Two days ago when using my husband M mobile phone, I saw a message from M to his friend confirming that he was going to Tenerife for a week with him and other friends dated a couple of days ago. When I asked him about it he said that he was planning to tell me but never found the chance. I felt really upset bec of this and told him how i was feeling and that i wasnt comfortable with the idea of him going all the way to tenerife for a whole week with a group of friends who even though having girlfriends dont mind having a night stand with some other girl, and apart from that that i was really annoyed about him taking this kind of decisions on his own and that he was a hypocrite bec when i told him that i was planning to go to oxford for a weekend to visit a friend he said that he wasnt comfortable with the idea and i was just going iside england and he was planning to go to a much farther place. M said that he wasnt really planning to go and now that i had pointed out how i felt he was definitely not going…. what really made me annoyed is that when he replied to his friends about him not going anymore, he blamed everything on me giving him too much fight about going away…. that really made me furious and really sad, bec i was expecting him to tell his friends that now that he is married things change… or something like that… Even though its been two days after the argument i still feel so upset and im starting to wonder that maybe i overreacted a bit about the whole thing and i should just let him go… I know we r both still young, im 23 and he is 24 and that we have been married a couple of months but u know i expected a bit more from him….
Post # 3
Wow. That is really out of order of him! You don’t arrange holidays abroad without your spouse, without at least talking to them first!
A couple of days in Oxford is not the same as a week away in Tenerife! So I take it this was a lads holiday? Have you pointed out to him that as a married man the days of lads holidays should be over?
His ‘I wasn’t really planning to go’ sounds false as well, if he sent his friend a text confirming that he was. If you hadn’t seen the text, when do you think he would have told you? When he was about to leave for the airport?
I’d be worried. You are still in the honeymoon period and he’s pulling crap like this. You are entitled to be extremely angry.
Post # 4
On the one hand, I think it is completely fine to take vacations apart at times – even if you are married. If you trust your partner, and they are trustworthy, then it should not matter what their friends may do either. And if there is no trust, you should not be with them!
What is weird to me is that he never talked to you about it at all. Taking time for yourself or having time apart does not mean you should be living separate lives, which it sounds like he was doing. That is not a good way to live in a marriage.
I mean, do you two not just talk? I will be a bit blunt, but your dynamic sounds rather immature. The blaming you, lack of communication, power-struggling, anger, victim playing (on his part), all are not healthy!
I think you two need to sit down and actually talk about your boundaries and expectations about vacations, communication, and so on. Counseling may be a good idea too. This all jusT sounds very immature.
Post # 5
@TheMsMittens: Have you pointed out to him that as a married man the days of lads holidays should be over?
I don’t agree with this.
OP, I think you both need to cultivate more trust in each other.
I also think that you both may need to bring a more mature attitude toward your relationship.
You need to be upfront with one another and discuss plans for travel well before hand, but there really is no reason that you couldn’t have gone to Oxford or he couldn’t go to Tenerife. Married people don’t always have to travel together. As for expecting more from him…why? I mean, did you discuss this kind of situation before you were married and decide that marriage would be the end of guys trips? If not, then he really isn’t doing anything wrong; nothing changes after marrige just because you are married. It was wrong from him to tell you not to go to Oxford, it was wrong of him to plan this trip without telling you, and it was wrong of him to blame you for not going, but I think it was also wrong for you to tell him not to go.
Post # 6
When I said ‘lads holidays’ I meant the ‘free for all booze and shagging’ holidays. In the UK, going to Tenerife with a bunch of guys is usually what this type of holiday will entail. I’m half French/half Australian and have lived in the UK for over 30 years…so I know it all too well!
When I was married to my ex H, I went on about 8 solo holidays. He couldn’t get time off work easily, and with 7 weeks of holiday a year, I wasn’t going to waste it all sitting around our flat on my own! I went to Egypt, Crete, Lanzarote, Turkey, Gran Canaria, and yes even Tenerife, all on my own. Obviously as a woman in my mid thirties (at the time) I wasn’t bothered by the lads!
And my then husband always was the first to know where and when I was going. If he’d said ‘I’d rather you didn’t’ we would have discussed it.
Post # 7
Thnx for all ur replies, talking about this problem has helped me get rid of this load over my shoulders.
Just to answer some of ur comments… Before getting married we did have a talk about the compromise it meant being married and that from the time we got married everything we did involved the both of us, our feelings and opinions…
I know that the fact that the friends go out of control shouldnt really matter, and it doesnt really bec i truly trust M but it doesnt really help either… Another think that annoys me is that M’s best friends tells him that im the one slowly pulling them apart.
When i first saw the message, before going all crazy i thought about it and if he had approached me first and talk to me about it, im sure i wouldve let him but the fact tha he didnt tell me bef answering and then the answer he gave me when i told him…”I wasnt planning to go”…..” I did want to go but i knew u wouldnt want me too”” all of that made things worse..
Post # 8
What a hypocrite he is! You can’t go visit a friend, but he wants to go engage in drunken debauchery.
Maybe it’s a good thing his friends are drifting apart from him. They sound like sleazebags anyway. I think the fact that he was making plans behind your back means he was up to no good. Or if he wasn’t planning to really go, it’s really immature of him to try to puff himself up in front of his friends just to be “one of the guys.”
Post # 9
Yeah, I don’t think I’d be too happy if DH was planning a trip behind my back UNLESS it was for me. You got married after me and I completely understand the “honeymoon” period. I guess it ends the week after you get married.
I personally would be upset because:
1) Did you have a honeymoon? I didn’t and if DH was going to tropical paradise w/o me for a week, I’d be LIVID!!!
2) Finance reasons….uhhh, trip from UK to Tenerife for a week….not exactly cheap. I spent at least $1k for 5 days in Ibiza….most of the money went to food and clubbing.
3) Not wanting you to go somewhere nearby.
@TheMsMittens: I know about the “lads holiday”…probably the guys i met in the clubs in Ibiza.