My hubby met my old flame

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - 13th ~ TN

JaneandJohn:  You need to remind your husband why you are with him and not this Tom fellow, and maybe let your relationshop with this Tom go.

Post # 3
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

It sounds to me like John might be into cuckolding, but either doesn’t realise it yet, or is trying to hide it. He thinks that Tom has got the measure of him, and understands his unusual fetish.

The truth is that Tom probably thought nothing of what he saw, and just thought it was good natured teasing, indicating that you and John had a very open and honest relationship, and felt free to discuss your pasts with each other.

John needs to realise that because his fetish is somewhat unusual, others do not necessarily jump to conclusions about it… it is not the first thing which occurs to someone in that situation. He has no reason to be embarassed. Tom has no clue about what John is into, and it will doubtless remain that way, unless John tells him.

Post # 4
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Actually, commenting again to follow. I have a feeling that this thread could end up being very interesting…

Post # 5
2304 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

JaneandJohn:  soooooo you guys are “talkers”. That’s great! And you’re open with each other about your past, that’s even better. Unfortunately you just found out that it’s one thing to have face-less or name-less people in your fantasy worlds and it’s a completely different thing to out a face, a name, and a regular frequency of interaction with said fantasy world. Sooooo simply remove Tom from your fantasies and sexual activities (maybe even keep said fantasies off the table for a while until the JaneandJohn intimacy gets re established, especially for John), and go on with your lives. Yes, John may now find himself comparing himself to Tom, etc., etc., but if he lets it go there’s no reason why Tom should ever again be a part of your private lives. My personal advice? Reassure your husband in bed that he’s got no reason to feel weird or uncomfortable. 😉

Post # 7
7157 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I don’t think there is anything you can do to prevent your H from feeling the way he does. Feelings are feelings.  Short of leaving his job, he’s going to have to get past it  if they work together. Your H was all for being open  until it all became a little too close for comfort.  Many people keep  boundaries on relationships with exes just so that this kind of thing can’t  happen. Lesson learned. 

I agree that Tom probably thought John was just kidding around unless what he overheard something more explicit than what you wrote here or it was quite obvious John wasn’t kidding. 

Post # 8
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

Rachel631:  My first thought exactly.


OP, have you considered exploring this together as a couple? Maybe start by listening to the Savage Lovecast, podcast of sex, love, and relationship advice columnist Dan Savage.


As for your friendship with Tom, as long as there are no lingering feelings, there’s no reason you can’t continue to be amicable and get coffee sometimes or whatever. But maybe socializing as a couple isn’t a great idea, at least until the hubs is back to right.

Post # 9
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

JaneandJohn:  Are you sure you didn’t have a threesome and just neglect to tell that part of the story? I was pretty sure that’s where this was going.

Tell us what really happened.

Post # 10
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

*raises eyebrow*

Post # 12
7157 posts
Busy Beekeeper

That’s  different than the way you told the story originally. Tom didn’t “overhear,” rather, you looked over at H and with his approval told  Tom how H gets his private  thrills. The fact that Tom then shared more than John could handle is something the two of you unfortunately opened yourselves to. John could have quickly put a stop to it by saying he really isn’t all that comfortable hearing it. 

Post # 14
3971 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Based on your last posts, I think you need to do two things for John:

(1) Apologize for misinterpreting the situation and sharing the info with Tom. I think a big part of this is reassuring him that you won’t share that again with anyone else.

(2) Explain to John that just because you haven’t done certain things, it doesn’t mean you wouldn’t do it with him (if that’s true), but for you, your relationship with him is deeper and goes beyond just the physical.

If Tom doesn’t bring it up again, it should fade away over time. If he does bring it up again, you made need to reach out and ask him to knock it off. (You can frame it as bothering you instead of your husband to preserve peace at work.)

Post # 15
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

You’ve got yourself in a pickle here. I’m not going to lecture you on what was said and all that jazz. Hindseight is always 20/20, but now you’ve got to fix this some how. Now that your husand knows your sex life in a much deeper level, with your pervious partners, John may be feeling less than a man. Here is a stranger to him, that’s been with you in more intimate ways than he has. So you could try to livin up your sex life with John, by getting down in some pretty crazy places: skinny dipping, roadside sex, public bathroom sex, elevator sex, etc. You’ve got to ensure your husband he is the bigger man, that you want him, and not to be threatend by Tom’s stories. 

Talk to your husband. This is something that can manifest and get really really bad. I’d hate to see your relationship fall apart over this. 

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