Post # 1
This situation has been upsetting me for years, and I feel like it’s only getting worse lately. I’m writing this not so much for advice, but to see if others are going through something similar. DH and my sister do not get along. Both are firstborn, type-A, strong personalities, and they just clash. She says things that rub him the wrong way, and lately he hasn’t been shy (or even polite) about letting her know that. It’s caused some recent conflict, and it’s so very upsetting to me. I feel like I’m in the middle, there’s nothing I can do, and these are 2 people I care about deeply. In a perfect world, everyone would get along and we’d all be close. That’s what I envisioned when thinking about my future family, and I just don’t know if it will ever happen. She thinks he doesn’t like her, and she really wants a relationship with him. He says he does, but his actions don’t match his words and he puts in little effort. Has anyone else gone through anything similar??? We actually live 8+ hours away, and really only are all together at holidays and in the summer for visits, however the tension is there. A recent visit to our house resulted in them leaving early because of a conflict. It’s so upsetting, and I don’t know what to do.
Post # 3
I know how you feel. Mysister and boyfriend don’t have a perfect relationship like I wanted. She thinks he’s pretty old school since he’s 9 years older than her and he thinks she’s childish. I spoke with her about what would make her more comfortable around him and we try to implement those things,but her growing up more has made it easier. Sometimes you can’t force a good connection, not everyone’s family is meant to be perfect unfortunately. What’s more important is that they stay amicable for your sake.
Post # 4
hmm.. i dont get along with one of FIs sisters but they arent very close since we started dating so its kind of an avoid her kind of thing. He talks to her and everything but she doesnt come around us or the rest of the family, black sheep kinda thing.
Post # 4
MCC919: I completely understand how you feel. I have been with my husband for 7 years, and him, my sister, and her husband have never gotten along, from the day they first met. For years my sister and her husband were convinced he was not the one for me, made fun of him because of his ethnicity (he is asian and I am white), made fun of the way he dressed (a whole lot better than they do), and judged him for not being outgoing enough around them. For 3-4 years they were “fake nice” to each other’s faces, and then each would turn around and make under-the-breath comments to me or my parents, who are completely in the middle of this feud.
I helped my them have a baby around that time (egg donation), and when they were able to conceive after 3 years of failed attempts at in vitro, they completely denied that I had anything to do with it and went back to old habits of talking down to me and making fun of me, and that was the last straw for my husband. At that point he decided that if they were going to disrespect him and his future wife to that degree, forget all formalities, don’t bother speaking to them (unless spoken to first), and avoid all situations where they are there. Despite conversations I’ve had with each of them, my sister is convinced he is a rude, angry person (because frankly, he is around them) and my husband is convinced her and her husband are bullies and not worthy of his time.
I have been to therapy for this, tried talking to people both inside and outside of the situation and have just accepted the fact they will never get along. My husband gets the fact I still love my sister and am close to her, and doesn’t complain when I want to see them. However, I feel torn because though I love her (and him) very much, I can understand both sides. My plan is to just go on spending time with each and not pushing them to like each other anymore. Sometimes you just have to let things be and maybe eventually the situation will resolve itself.
Post # 5
MCC919: I feel like I’m in the middle, there’s nothing I can do<br /><br /><br />
I respectfully disagree with you about this. It’s true that you can’t control your sister’s actions, and you can’t stop her from antagonizing your DH.
But now that you’re married, your first allegiance must be to your DH. He comes above your sister. You must stick by him and present a united front to your sister. Your sister will eventually get the message that she can’t put you “in the middle” so to speak, which is basically a nice way of saying she’s effectively trying to drive a wedge between the two of you by putting you in the difficult position of trying to keep the peace.
In other words, let your actions and words show Sis that if she acts like a shit around your DH, that you’re going to stand by him and back him up.
If he acts like a shit around her, do confront him on it and hold him accountable, but do it privately and not in front of her.
Eventually she may get tired of creating drama — or not.
Oh, and be very, VERY glad that she lives 8 hours away!
Edited to add: whoops, just noticed this post is two years old! My bad…
Post # 6
Baed on what you’ve written, it kind of seems like your husband is the one causing the issues? I think you need to reign him in and he needs to let things go. Not everyone can be best friends in a family, but you said yourself he’s not putting in effort. Yes he’s your husband and you need to stand by him – but no one should stand for immature, destructive behavior that hurts you and your relationships. Does he conflict with other people this way?