Weddingbee boards

Ah, how did I wind up posting here? I finally had to get this off my chest. I will try not to ramble (ETA, I did) - or at least keep it cohesive. Please indulge me while I voice my sadness. And for the tl;dr crowd: I had lots of sex before meeting my husband, he did not and has always wanted to get it out of his system. I finally gave in and agreed to just see if that's what he really wants. Did I do the wrong thing? What should I do now? I underlined key background info., so you don't need to read the rest unless you're bored 

I've been married 2 years this month, together for 4. We both agree that when we married, we hadn't both developed as individuals. There are no children involved. 

Before I met him, I had lots of sex. Yep, I said it. Unapologetic, mostly meant nothing, sex was just sex with boys that I felt the urge and was mostly in college. And the key point here is: it was before him. Neither of us realized at first that we would ever become so close, but we just had a connection...we've tested living apart several times to make sure, and it's failed miserably.

He on the other hand, had only several long-term releationships, mainly monogomous sex with just a few girls. Once he got out of his last relationship before meeting me, he was in the mindset of doing what I did, basically. But, he's shy and quiet and mostly just had the desire, but never acted. 

So, fast forward to now - I have never been comfortable with him having sex with people since we got married, but I knew how he felt. I figured just recently, that if I just finally agreed to his wish, he could get it out of his system and we can move on. It's always been the elephant in the room. And that's what he said he wanted too, just to not sneak around, do his thing and we're finally free of it.

Buuut, since he's not the kind to just go out and find someone for sex, he's said "well, you should have sex with other guys so I'm not a hypocrite." Basically, he doesn't care what I do as long as he can at least try and has sex. I wish he would just have some meaningless one-night stand (with protection obviously) and get over it. I've been, there, done that, could write a book.

But I feel like realistically, he'd probably find someone at the gym, a co-worker, etc. and let it build up, and that's what I can't deal with - the thought of some long affair. Texts and emails and calls and sneaking around. Dates and cuddling and behing dishonest.

It's been 5 months since we've been apart (temporary career relocation for me) and I thought this was the perfect time for him to just do whatever while we're living so far away and I would never know. But, he never acted upon his desires, because he never wanted to cheat and now wants us to live together again. But I'm thinking now, how could we possibly live together, and I know he still wants to check some sexual fantasies off his bucket list? 

So, this weekend, he is finally taking some action. I know he's screwing some sloot he met off CL (ugh, dirty) because he told me he was going to. She knows he's married, he said it's just to do what he never got out of his system and I really want to believe him. I tried to rationalize: He was like this before I met him and it was me who chose to stay. He says even if he didn't know that I had more sex than he did, he'd still want to try things out, so it's not a "get even" kind of thing.

Anyway, what's the point of all this? I am flying out there next week because living apart isn't what either of us want. If he truly never goes behind my back to sleep with someone, do you think there's any hope? Meaning, if he had an upfront one-night stand, and doesn't lie about it, and doesn't make it a habit, am I still stupid to go along with it? Or have I really just ruined any chances of this marriage ever being "normal?" I don't want threesome or orgies or an open relationship. But I said I'd give him a chance to at least do what he wanted to do on his own so we can both move forward with no regrets for not having such and such sexual experiences out of our systems.

Help. Do you think this can work? We've literally been through so much together...happiness, sadness, loss, grief, everything. We are each other's rocks - we also had to give up quite a bit to be with each other...it's like, we can never stop being so close. We don't even *want* to stop being so close. We couldn't imagine ever feeling this commitment towards another person. But this sex thing is just so important to him at the moment, and it's just not at all like that for me.

I'm so conflicted. I guess I should see how it goes when we talk tomorrow? He said he was disappointed when he met her - in her looks? In the feeling? What? Will he try someone else again? I couldn't help but feel like asking for all the details and it's just so odd and *wrong* I guess. Am I just masochistic? Stupid? Grasping at straws? Our marriage seems very enviable if you didn't know all this, we hear it all the time how we are such a nice match, good fit, inspiration for those close to us, so I can't bring myself to tell any family or friends because I don't want judgment or to air our dirty laundry, you know?

Please, any comments, suggestions, anything will help. It's 4AM and I've been writing this for what seems like ages. I just wanted to finally get it out! Thank you for reading. At least maybe someone can see my foolishness and avoid such a situation...?

@MrsOliveBird: I'm sadly not a troll  I guess it boils down to me being a doormat? It's *so* easy for me to tell my friends never to settle, etc. but somehow, it's happened to me and I'm just...I don't know. 

It's not like he has a # to reach, it's just he never had sex when he wasn't in a relationship, and he wanted to just have sex with someone he wasn't dating. He was a nerd. Never had the chance...and I guess it's now or never. 

Thank you for your brutal honesty. I feel stupid even trying to rationlize this, but I was thinking "maybe there are shades of grey" and I've never talked about this to anyone else...

@misschickpea: No offense at all. I wanted to post here because sometimes it does just take a stranger's honest opinion and (as much as you can get) unbiased opinion.

If I told my sister I'd hear one thing (she at first unknowingly and then comfortably sleeping with a married man for over 7 years), if I told my mother I'd hear another (widowed for decades) if I told my closest friends I'd hear another thing...

Ugh I wish I was never in this situation.  I should see a counselor...it's just hard to say this out loud to someone and not be laughed or looked at like I'm crazy or beyong stupid.

@MrsOliveBird: Yes, that's what I felt too, hence me not wanting some open relationship. I'm so over just random sex. 

He's one of those people, you can tell him not to do something but he wants to do it and see himself. Horrible, but his father is just like that and he's just like his father (which he didn't realize it until recently hah).

We are both so bad at letting go...I wish one of us could, but I honestly think this would be nothing if moves on from that kind of "I'm young and free" feeling the way I did.

It's like, if we have how many years ahead of us, what's a bumpy patch? No?

@Miss Pinup: Ok, really, asking if I'm a troll is not helping. I am not. I've just been internalizing this for too long, so I verbal (written?) diarrhead it out all at once.

The reason why I even considered that maybe I'm not trying to hear him out is because I've known people to have "open relationships." I just don't see the point.

And I don't know of "open marriages" in real life. I mean, I've heard of them but they seem so weird. I guess I wanted to keep sticking my head in the sand, but finally I said enough is enough. So, the CL sex. 

He said he needed to at least get it out of his system, I said ok, and now I'm thinking maybe I was wrong. I remember seeing an interview with Dolly Parton, she was asked how she stayed married for so long and basically said, 'whatever he's doing, I don't know and don't want to know! And it's worked! '

Ugh I don't know. Marriage is such a crapshoot these days I feel like. Ideally, he'd never even want to have sex with another woman, but isn't that basic human nature? Scratch the itch and get over it? 

I basically have no healthy marriages in my life to realistically use as a guide.

@MrsOliveBird: Yes, exactly. That's what I started to second-guess myself over. I would never check his records - there would be no point for him to lie after this. So if he did it again, I would be gone.

I was thinking, my lease is up mid June. We try living together again until then, and if it doesn't work, I always have a place of my own, far away to go to. I continue on with my life and if he can't be there the way that is healthy for me, then I come to terms with life without him. I don't know how I'll do it though...

Does anyone think legal separation is worth exploring? Or is that just a band aid/delaying the inevitable?

While discussing with you all, I realized you've brought up a good point - if he felt this way he shouldn't have gotten married. I've said that myself. He says he honestly wants to be with me, continue our life together, and is happy with everything else.

That's why I felt it was worth just giving it a try. I do believe him and I am happy otherwise. We went from not an item to exclusive too fast - there was no "dating" period. Maybe if there had been, this wouldn't be an issue. We'd both be in the same place when it comes to sex by now... Or we wouldn't even have come this far. 

I've never been in a situation like this before - I've dated, and when it was no longer working out, or something that couldn't be worked on/compromised came up I had no problem moving on. 

@MrsOliveBird: I guess I meant by no healthy marriages, I really meant that no marriage is perfect, just like nobody is perfect? I'm thinking, who knows what goes on behind closed doors and what issues couples struggle with...I'm still hoping we can overcome it because he's at least said that he wants this marriage all along. And we are happy otherwise.

That's why I thought, ok, he says just let me do it, let me get it out of my system, we'll be fine. I believe him, because I never, ever considered that in 4 years. I took this job relocation because it's temporary, and I thought that I was quietly saying in my own way "ok, here's your chance. If you're going to do it, do it." But he never did! He just wants us to move back in together. I want to whole-heartedly do that, so I was like: ok, can we just deal with this sex thing once and for all before we move on?

But now I'm thinking - am I daft?  

You know what, all I can do is to wait to hear from him tomorrow, I guess. My ticket is for Friday. I have time to see. Staying apart isn't what either of us want, but I can't move forward hanging in the balance. If tonight wasn't enough for him, I'm going to seriously need to build a life here. I just want to try and make this marriage work.

@NatDawn: That's where I started doubting if me agreeing to this was a bad idea - I wanted to know what she looked like, if there was small talk, etc. And then I just said - I'm not ok with this happening again. I can't move forward with him is this is really what he needed and it didn't start and end tonight.

So, I came here to the board to spill my guts. We have sex, it's not like I'm asexual now or he doesn't want to have sex with me. His rationale is: I never want to go behind your back and have sex with someone. And he never has.

Yes, smart, reasonably thinking me has been saying all along: this is stupid, it's been 4 years, get over it, you're married. But, obviously he hasn't. I just hope he has now. If not, I think I will look into legal separation until my temporary relocation assignment is up (early January). At that point, I would have known either we are moving forward or going nowhere.

I just don't want to go that route...I feel like it's throwing in the towel...I didn't get married with the intention of ever separating or divorcing, you know? Ugh.

Thank you to everyone who's answered me so far. I really appreciate it. 

@Blue-Bird:We should....I didn't know he was so deadset on this until he went ahead and told me this weekend before I finally agreed to try living together again. At first I was like: this? Again? Then I was like: ok, the only thing we haven't tried is actually having him do it.

We've never talked to anyone about this...do counselors really work? I like talking (if you all couldn't tell ) but he's very quiet...maybe individual sessisions? I don't know. I want to just wake up and pretend this isn't happening but I guess I've been doing that for 4 years. 

@nona49:Do you think I'm being too "understanding" or is there still hope?

Does anyone know that Gnarls Barkley video for "Who's Gonna Save My Soul?" That's exactly what I *don't* want to happen.

@daydreamwanderer:

Thank you so much. I had never considered counseling together before. I figured it was either he will change or he won't.

He did want me to fly over today and I wanted to, but it was all so sudden, and there were no same day tickets. He's said for several months now he wanted to live together - I had been holding off because of this elephant in the room.

We do talk about everything, never have kept secrets from the beginning, so that's why he came up with this cockamamie proposition. I said no, and he said ok, but deep down I felt, ugh, if he wants to badly enough, he will still cheat. Even if we are living together. And I don't want that or any lying. So I tried to just brush it off and say, ok! Have fun! I don't want to know the details, do what you have to do so you never do it again! I regret it.

Should I still fly out there and bring up counseling once I'm there? Neither of us come from backgrounds where you talk about your issues - ironically my mother is a social worker and his mother is a supervisor that deals with psychiatric patients and we still wind up with such a problem.  How should I bring it up with him...? I'm usually so forward and direct but that hasn't worked apprently, so now I'm like, how do I do this?

@tiny tuna:What you said is all true...I said that before I got married and then look at me now. It's like I'm Jello. What it boils down to is that I'm afraid if I keep staying here, things can't get better. We will just stop communicating and drift apart and that's it...

@BellsforHer:I know...I think I've always known I just wanted to really believe something would work out somehow....I'm not ok with a marriage like that. I don't want to say "choose" because now after talking about this, I honestly think that he won't choose me, and I don't want to face that. I just feel like I failed at someething so important....it hurts. I'm sorry to have carried on so much, I don't want to be another pathetic woman who can't even do what needs to be done. I'm disappointed in how I let this happen.

@daydreamwanderer:Thank you~. That's what I should have said long ago. I am going to try and close my eyes and sleep for a little...I will let you all know what the outcome is.

I thank you all for telling it to me straight. It hurts. But I need to start looking for a counselor regardless. I need to overcome this fear of rejection...I can't continue this way....

@BellsforHer: He does. I do too, but I never thought that he does. He's made it seem like tons of guys are like this and it's not a big issue, just give him a chance. I got over it with time/priorities changing/whatever, so why couldn't I let him?

I was so conflicted because I didn't agree but didn't know what to do other than to say it's not what I want. I'm afraid he won't want counseling because he doesn't think he has a problem and won't want to be talked out of it by a stranger. 

I will let you all know what happens. I have the sinking feeling it won't be what I want, but I can't control him. I need to stop trying to. I need to control my own life.

Please send some positive vibes my way until you hear from me later today, everyone. I at least have some weight lifted off my shoulders. Thank you.

@brady3537:

I know. I can't say I wish we didn't get married, but I wish we didn't get married if he was going to act like this. I've never waivered on my feelings about the way I wanted our marriage to be. That's why it's so frustrating that here we are - what have we been doing all this time then? What happened.

But I don't need to beat myself over this anymore. He needs counseling. I went about this the wrong way. I won't go to see him unless we are both going to see a counselor as well. 

@MapleBecky:You know, why even bother commenting if you really think I'm a troll. I'm already not feeling the greatest, and you really didn't add to the discussion.

Not to seem like I'm lashing out at you over my problems, but come on. I saw other people asking for advice about infidelity, cheating, divorce...not everyone in such a really bad situation is fake. I didn't come here to be judged like that. I know it's the internet, but is humanity dead? Do you need to pour salt on an open wound? Geeze...

And it was never an option until desperation hit on my end. Yes, of course he would have to be tested. To be honest I didn't think he would do it. I don't know how I could sleep with him again now and not feel a little sad. I don't think it will work, I just didn't want to face it. I didn't want to admit my marriage failed.

ETA: I never said he's the only one that needs counseling.

Anyway, I know what I need to do. Thank you to everyone else that took the time to hear me out. 

@nhanvey:That's exactly what I know could happen. My sister was a part of that crap for 7 years, basically a mistress to a co-worker, and didn't let anyone know until the last year when my mom told me her suspicions and I confronted her. She finally admitted it. This was just 2 years ago. I don't even know if she's really stopped seeing him, she said she did but she lied for almost a decade, do I really trust her?

I don't want to wait until I find out 7 years from now he had some secret lover and I never moved on. I don't want anything to do with something like that. He swears that could never happen, but...anyway. I need to stop thinking and start doing. I hope I don't wake up and I lost my resolve. I can't.