- 7 years ago
- Wedding: May 2009
Ah, how did I wind up posting here? I finally had to get this off my chest. I will try not to ramble (ETA, I did) – or at least keep it cohesive. Please indulge me while I voice my sadness. And for the tl;dr crowd: I had lots of sex before meeting my husband, he did not and has always wanted to get it out of his system. I finally gave in and agreed to just see if that’s what he really wants. Did I do the wrong thing? What should I do now? I underlined key background info., so you don’t need to read the rest unless you’re bored
I’ve been married 2 years this month, together for 4. We both agree that when we married, we hadn’t both developed as individuals. There are no children involved.
Before I met him, I had lots of sex. Yep, I said it. Unapologetic, mostly meant nothing, sex was just sex with boys that I felt the urge and was mostly in college. And the key point here is: it was before him. Neither of us realized at first that we would ever become so close, but we just had a connection…we’ve tested living apart several times to make sure, and it’s failed miserably.
He on the other hand, had only several long-term releationships, mainly monogomous sex with just a few girls. Once he got out of his last relationship before meeting me, he was in the mindset of doing what I did, basically. But, he’s shy and quiet and mostly just had the desire, but never acted.
So, fast forward to now – I have never been comfortable with him having sex with people since we got married, but I knew how he felt. I figured just recently, that if I just finally agreed to his wish, he could get it out of his system and we can move on. It’s always been the elephant in the room. And that’s what he said he wanted too, just to not sneak around, do his thing and we’re finally free of it.
Buuut, since he’s not the kind to just go out and find someone for sex, he’s said “well, you should have sex with other guys so I’m not a hypocrite.” Basically, he doesn’t care what I do as long as he can at least try and has sex. I wish he would just have some meaningless one-night stand (with protection obviously) and get over it. I’ve been, there, done that, could write a book.
But I feel like realistically, he’d probably find someone at the gym, a co-worker, etc. and let it build up, and that’s what I can’t deal with – the thought of some long affair. Texts and emails and calls and sneaking around. Dates and cuddling and behing dishonest.
It’s been 5 months since we’ve been apart (temporary career relocation for me) and I thought this was the perfect time for him to just do whatever while we’re living so far away and I would never know. But, he never acted upon his desires, because he never wanted to cheat and now wants us to live together again. But I’m thinking now, how could we possibly live together, and I know he still wants to check some sexual fantasies off his bucket list?
So, this weekend, he is finally taking some action. I know he’s screwing some sloot he met off CL (ugh, dirty) because he told me he was going to. She knows he’s married, he said it’s just to do what he never got out of his system and I really want to believe him. I tried to rationalize: He was like this before I met him and it was me who chose to stay. He says even if he didn’t know that I had more sex than he did, he’d still want to try things out, so it’s not a “get even” kind of thing.
Anyway, what’s the point of all this? I am flying out there next week because living apart isn’t what either of us want. If he truly never goes behind my back to sleep with someone, do you think there’s any hope? Meaning, if he had an upfront one-night stand, and doesn’t lie about it, and doesn’t make it a habit, am I still stupid to go along with it? Or have I really just ruined any chances of this marriage ever being “normal?” I don’t want threesome or orgies or an open relationship. But I said I’d give him a chance to at least do what he wanted to do on his own so we can both move forward with no regrets for not having such and such sexual experiences out of our systems.
Help. Do you think this can work? We’ve literally been through so much together…happiness, sadness, loss, grief, everything. We are each other’s rocks – we also had to give up quite a bit to be with each other…it’s like, we can never stop being so close. We don’t even *want* to stop being so close. We couldn’t imagine ever feeling this commitment towards another person. But this sex thing is just so important to him at the moment, and it’s just not at all like that for me.
I’m so conflicted. I guess I should see how it goes when we talk tomorrow? He said he was disappointed when he met her – in her looks? In the feeling? What? Will he try someone else again? I couldn’t help but feel like asking for all the details and it’s just so odd and *wrong* I guess. Am I just masochistic? Stupid? Grasping at straws? Our marriage seems very enviable if you didn’t know all this, we hear it all the time how we are such a nice match, good fit, inspiration for those close to us, so I can’t bring myself to tell any family or friends because I don’t want judgment or to air our dirty laundry, you know?
Please, any comments, suggestions, anything will help. It’s 4AM and I’ve been writing this for what seems like ages. I just wanted to finally get it out! Thank you for reading. At least maybe someone can see my foolishness and avoid such a situation…?