Weddingbee boards

This might sound odd, I'm just wondering if anyone else out there has had a similar experience.

Last night, I went out to dinner with my husband and a couple he just recently met through mutual friends.  At some point during the evening, the female half of this couple brought up that she once thought my husband was homosexual, and that I was a "made up" person that he used as his "cover."  She had met my husband in-person twice before, but this was the first time that I was also there.  One of our other friends laughed and said to "Watch it!  All of her ex's ended up being gay!" (more on that in a sec)

I'm not exactly sure why this bothered me, but I was LIVID.  I kept my cool, and didn't let on that what she said bothered me, but I was inwardly steaming.  Please let me emphasize that I do not have anything at all against anyone who is homosexual.  My younger sibling is, many of my really close friends are, and I consider myself a straight ally.  My husband has the same set of beliefs that I do regarding this:  you can't control who you love or are attracted to. 

My husband has been told that he is perceived this way at first more than once or twice.  It doesn't bother him...he is comfortable in his own skin, and I applaud him for that.  But when I am right there too...well, it irks me that people have joked that I am a "cover" or was previously thought of as a "made up person."  Umm....HELLO?  I'll stand right here and vouch that he enjoys my lady bits quite a lot, actually (sorry...TMI).  I think the reason that people are sometimes given this perception is because he IS very talkative, very genuinely caring, well-groomed (okay...he looks like he could have popped right out of a "Buckle" catalog when he isn't in military uniform...I guess the term is "metrosexual."), he cares a lot about his appearance, he is sensitive, and he has a very wide range of interests (to include cooking, music of all sorts, movies ranging from action to adventure to even the occasional romantic comedy, video games, snowboarding...pretty much this man is a jack of all trades).  But because of all the stupid stereotypes in this world, some of these hobbies and traits give people the wrong impression.  He's just a well-rounded guy, honestly!  And I know just as many homosexual men who are into cars, computers, football, and all the typical "hetero-male" stereotypes.  Heck, aside from cars, my guy is into all these things too!! I wish people would just somehow quit stereotyping, but I'll save that for another rant...

I've spoke with my DH about all this, and he says not to let it bother me.  I know that he loves me and all my bits, and not that it would even matter to me if he WERE even bi (okay, admittedly I don't think we could make it work if he were homosexual, for obvious reasons as in...well...that wouldn't be fair to either of us, but I'd still stay his best friend), but he isn't.  But I don't appreciate the jabs from our other friends that I somehow "turn men gay."  I had three guys I dated in high school that ended up coming out during college, bt these were just little high school things (like, a month or so of "will you go to homecoming with me?").  I'm still very close friends with all these guys.  I don't believe you can "turn someone gay."  I believe that, hey, it was high school!  People are still trying to figure out who they are, and it is a confusing, hormone-filled time of life where people are afraid to "not fit in."  But my husband has always been interested in women.  He obviously isn't bothered by what people think of him, so I have no reason to believe that he only married me as a "cover." If he was interested in men, he'd have dated men...and not married me.  He isn't one to conform to what other people "think" should be the way to act. 

Am I weird for being a little hurt when people say these things?  I can't put my finger on why I feel this way.  Maybe it is a feeling of "not being taken seriously" as a spouse, or that someone would only pretend to be attracted to me to hide their true identity.  But it is hurtful nonetheless, and I don't know how to just "let it go" without accidentally opening my mouth one of these times!  I don't know if I should just chalk it up to immaturity amongst this certain group of friends (I'm 30, DH is 28....everyone else is younger by several years).  But it gets old after awhile. 

Has anyone else ever experienced a situation where their partner's sexuality has been questioned?  How did you deal with it?  Did it bother you?

@toshella:   "I think the aggregavation comes from two sources - One, that it implies he doesn't truly love me/is attracted to me and that our relationship is a foil.  Two, because it's such a damn stereotype that a guy who isn't worried about appearing macho is gay."  <-------THIS EXACTLY!!!!!

You pretty much nailed it on the head with that one.  And that "ever-so-slight moment where you even begin to start to question your SO's true feelings for you"...when people obviously don't know your SO the way you do, and that thought shouldn't even enter your mind for one stupid nano second!!  It is incredibly irksome!!  Grrrrr. 

I'm glad that you ladies don't think I'm off my rocker for being a bit upset.  I'm not one to complain or make a scene, so it truely helps to vent here!

And yay for someone else who knows FMA!!!!  :)

So many people thought my ex-fi was gay.  I don't have any advice, just commiseration.  It's totally frustrating, and made me feel like other people thought we were both stupid and just fooling ourselves and each other.  But we had a great relationship at the time, and had a lot more in common that a lot of other couples we knew.  People are so quick to question sexuality when a guy is metro, but nobody questions mine because I'm tomboyish or not super girly!!!  The bottom line is you both know how strong your relationship is, and other people are just judgemental and dumb. If certain friends keep giving you a hard time about it, I think it's worth letting them know that it's time to stop, and if they won't, they're not a friend worth investing any more time in.

I'll stand right here and vouch that he enjoys my lady bits quite a lot, actually (sorry...TMI) <----And yes, totally this - that guy was um, extremely attentive in bed.  I was always like, trust me, he likes women.

I had an ex who 90% of people thought was gay.

I got offended by a lot of peoples comments at the time.

You need to challenge the behaviour/ comments at the time they are spoken. 

@MrsTimmy:  I'm absolutely positive that this is not the case.  He married me, and we share EVERYTHING with each other.  We are extrememly open about every part of ourselves and our pasts, so I have no doubt in my mind that if this were the case, he would have been honest with me.  There would be no reason to lie...I would accept him either way.  However, when I moved in with him, I did find his porn collection (which is now gone and I am happy about that, but that is for another post!), and it was ALL hetero stuff.  Even all the stuff I wasn't supposed to find on his computers...lol.  Thus, absolutely no doubt in my head that he is into women only.

That is the really funny thing though...he does a lot of things that "hetero" guys are stereotyped as doing as well!  He plays video games, he watches football, he is into sports, is extrememly competitive, loves electronics, loves working with his hands, doesn't mind getting all dirty (as long as he gets to shower later...), sees himself as the "provider" in our relationship (always trying to pay for dinner, even though I don't always let him!, opening my doors for me, carrying heavy things even if I protest...)  He just HAS to be comfortable with all types of people due to his job.  He is in the Navy and he works on a submarine...which means very cramped quarters and months at sea (no...please don't start on any "Village People" songs or jokes about that).  If you're stuck with a boat-load (literally) of other guys, they all get to know each other really, really well.  I know which guys on his crew were gay or who "swing both ways."  They talk openly (now that they are allowed to) about it.  They all trust each other out of neccessity (if one person screws up when you are thousands of feet under the ocean...well, EVERYONE is screwed). I think it is awesome that he is so comfortable with his own sexuality that he isn't threatened or "weirded out" by alternative lifestyles.  I love that about him...he is very open-minded and non-judgemental.  If he were not, I don't think I'd love him the way that I do! 

It just makes me angry when people think that, due to your gender, you HAVE to act a certain way.  So what if my husband gets all goo-goo when he sees little babies.  Someday, he'll make a great dad!  So what if he expresses his emotions openly.  That makes him a great partner who is easy to communicate with!  So what if he enjoys cooking.  That means we get to share the responsibility and I'm not stuck making dinner nights when I get home from work later than him!  And so what if he is friends with guys who are gay or bi.  Those guys?  They're my friends too...it means we can all hang out together and have fun, regardless of what we like in the bedroom!

But when people question his loyalty to me, his truthfulness to me (and himself), and our marriage as a whole due to stereotypical notions and attitudes that are deemed "more manly" than others...well...that doesn't sit well with me!