My husband puts everyone first

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Hi Sweetie, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It is his responsibility to put you second only to God and he needs to step up and man up to his family. I went through a similiar situation because my FI is in the military in Afghainstan and I had an incident where I felt he put his troops needs before me and I felt humililated. I was so hurt that I didnt speak to my FI for a month. I cried but I knew I had to show him that I love you but you need to decided if I am a priority. If not dont contact but if I am then it is important that he show them and treat me as he should no matter where you are or what the situation is. He sent me an email and said exactly that and our relationship became stronger because we realized what we meant to each other and he promised that I will not ever feel that way again. I am second to God period.

Post # 5
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@cappucino:  You cant give up because you love him or you would not have married him. You have to sit him down and have a heart to heart talk explaining how it made you feel and it is time he put you where you belong second only to God. If you dont the situation will only get worst until you have so much resentment towards him and his family that family gatherings will be stressful. 

Post # 6
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m always puzzled when I see post like yours. If your Husband was behaving that way and every single thing you said about him is extremely negative, why exactly did you gett married with those big glaring issues facing you.

No relationship is perfect, and I suggest you start making a big effort couseling, talking, trying to communicate better for the sake of your marriage.

Post # 8
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@cappucino:  How long since you have had the talk with him? If he is not understanding how you feel then you should suggest a third party such as counseling because he needs to see it differently and not listen to his mother or sister.

Post # 11
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@cappucino:  I am so sorry are you spiritual? The reason why I am asking is because when a man has Jesus in their lives they seem to have a clear understanding of what it means to cleave to your wife. If you can get spiritual counseling it is also a big help.

Post # 13
Member
1975 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

i cant say that i understand because my situation was never that severe, but a while ago my FI spent EVERY day off he had at his parents house, he texted his little sister (who lived with his parents) every night, He was helping her get her first car and it was sending him (us) broke. He was never around to spend time with, all the duties of the house hold fell on me and my 21st birthday was two weeks away so the financial burden downsized my birthday alot! I talked to him and told him that i wanted him to take a break from his family for awhile, at least until after my birthday, he did it now he sees his family whenever he wants too but its no where near as much!

I hated being the one that ‘bans’ their partner from seeing their friends and family, but i just wanted my partner back for a while!! Just make sure it is within reason

Post # 14
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@cappucino: You dont have to be a Christian to understand what his role is as has man of the house. You are married now and it is important the role are defined and understood.

Post # 15
Member
734 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

It doesn’t sound to me like he’s necessarily being sheepish and afraid to confront people and a “people pleaser” as much as he sounds like he is just being selfish – to me. I could be wrong, but my FI who is a chronic people pleaser would have never done any of these things to me and if someone has ever been even a little bit innapropriate with me they have heard from him… When you love someone you defend them no matter how much you’re scared.

I’m not saying that I think he doesn’t love you.. I just think he’s a little misguided and selfish. I would talk to him about it and possibly look into counseling. This isn’t the way you want to live, but I don’t think that its impossible to change either.

Post # 16
Member
512 posts
Busy bee

I feel terrible for you; I understand what it’s like to not have a family and how alone it can feel.

First and foremost, your husband has to realize that you, and any children you may have, are his first priority.  That’s what getting married is about – starting your own familial unit.  His parents and sister are now considered his extended family.

It must be very frightening to be have moved so far away to end up in a situation where you don’t feel appreciated. Perhaps your husband is unaware of how emotionally fragile you are, or the fact that he’s supposed to be building a new life with you.   I hope that counselling will allow you to speak freely in a mediated, non-judgmental environment, and that you can communicate to your husband just how let down you feel.  He needs to start re-defining his relationship with his family and soon, or he’s going to end up with an extraordinarily difficult life. 

Best of luck and I’m thinking of you. 

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