Post # 1
He says until I clean more around the house he refuses to talk about having a kid? I do clean don’t get me wrong… but I am not a neat freak and I work over 50 hours a week and am in school part time as well because once I get my qualification I get a 15% raise. He works about 40 and don’t have as long as a commute as me and is not in school… and is a neat freak. We have been married over a year and he told me before we got married he wants kids too… But now I am starting to wonder.
So, I thought everything I was doing was so I can provide more for a future family… But now that my schooling is almost finished he pulls out this excuse. I don’t know why he married me in the first place if this was such a deal-breaker… I am 30 and not sure what to do because if forever is going to be these excuses then I might as well leave and hopefully meet someoen with the same values as mine.
Thoughts? Advice? I am really confused and hurt. And no suggestions to talk to him about it please… he doesn’t want to talk about it and gets really mad when I bring it up and accuses me of trying to start fights… whenever I get upset about it I figure he will at least try to talk to me to make me feel better but he usually just ignores me and says I am being “crazy” and love to pick fights? sighhhhh.
Post # 3
Did you just get married five days ago?
Post # 4
Have you two considered marriage counseling? Based on your post last month it sounds like this is an ongoing issue.
Post # 5
Not knowing the entire situation and basing everything 100% off what you said in this post…
I don’t think you really have much a chance here. He refuses to talk about something really important for your relationship, tells you that you need to clean, then calls you crazy??? No thank you. I would bring up the fact that you are thinking about leaving him and see what he does. If he calls you crazy again, pack your bags and walk out the door…THEN see what he does. If he doesn’t care just keep walking. You seem like you are creating a good life for yourself.
Post # 6
Unfortunately, I think you have a pretty serious divide here.
The one thing I can understand from his point of view is that kids are a ton of additional work and mess and it’s hard to feel like you’re ready to have them when everything is already in chaos. In fact, the fact that my fiance doesn’t pick up a lot of slack around the house is yet another reason I don’t want to have children (BUT big difference… in our case I have been 100% clear I don’t want kids from day one).
To be honest, it sounds like he’s expecting EVERYTHING home related to fall to you, which makes no sense in this day and age. It sounds like he’s not ready to make the emotional and responsibility commitment to being children, as he’s not ready to make it to cleaning the house (which, imo, is more his job than yours if you’re working, commuting, and studying and have much longer hours).
The fact that he doesn’t want to talk about it is a SERIOUS issue here because this could be a really huge divide between the two of you and he’s not even willing to face it. I’d suggest you leave him alone about the issue for a few days to a couple weeks, and while you’re not discussing it, prepare yourself to talk about it. Make a list of what you need and aren’t getting from him, and what expectations he’s placing on you and why they’re not fair. Practice saying it to yourself in a clear-cut, business like way. There’s an issue of factual expectations here. It’s also unfair, but I think it’s easier to discuss calmly if you make it more business-like.
If he can’t respond well to that, then I’m not sure where you go (counseling?), but it sounds like you might not be able to go there with him. 🙁
Post # 7
He’s looking to pin excuses onto you as to why he isn’t ready for kids.
Post # 8
But a month ago you posted here about how he didnt want to have kids because of financial reasons? I’m confused.
Post # 9
This, to me, would be a gigantic red flag. Were you messy before you got married? Did he know that? Did you know that his willingness to have children was conditional?
I admit, I am a very messy person. I can keep common areas clean like the kitchen and a living room, but my own room is usually a mess. My SO has said that he knows I am messy (he is very neat) and that as long as I continue to keep the common areas clean and work on keeping the bedroom neat, he will pick up the slack to his liking. If I was in your position (not knowing your history) I would be very worried that he would continue to have these negative feelings about my cleanliness for the rest of our married life. I too would be extremely hurt. I don’t really know what to tell you… I mean you could just try to adopt his level of cleanliness, but it might result in resentment down the road, or he still might not think it’s good enough. Sorry you’re dealing with this 🙁
Post # 10
@KatyElle: exactly. tell him to cut the bull and own up to whatever insecurity he has so that you can work through it or move on.
Post # 11
You got married last weekend and are now having the kids conversation? Shouldn’t you have discussed this earlier? If you did, which I hope you did, have the conversation prior, what was his time line. Most guys want to wait a year or so after the wedding.
Post # 12
Giant red flag. Please please please get into counseling. If he won’t go with you, go alone.
Post # 13
I am sure he is not ready to have kids. He feels scared of the added responsibility. He’s using your lack of cleanliness as an excuse which he knows you cannot really improve on to his liking. If he is the judge, he can say whatever he wants. He can push you to the LIMITS of cleanliness and I feel that he will do just that just so you keep wasting your time cleaning everything 5 times over and he can be @ peace that you won’t ‘bug’ him about having children. He isn’t ready. Period.