My husband tells everything to his parents

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

fossil1127:  I’d be very irritated too, but marriage ending serious? I’m surprised you said that. Does your husband tell everyone, or just his parents? Do they tell people? Are they trying to micromanage you decsions regarding finances? 

I’m asking all this because it is unclear from your post, and usually telling your parents you want to buy a new car is not a big deal.

Post # 3
Member
2687 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

I know some families are “just like that,” and that’s fine for them, but you have been very clear with your husband that it is NOT okay with you. I would suggest that you sit down with him once more and have a Very Serious Conversation about this. Look into his eyes when you talk. Plan it out in advance so you know what you’re going to say. Keep it short and to the point — don’t ramble on and on and turn it into a lecture. Ask him if he understands. Then tell him that if it happens again, EVEN ONCE, you will immediately be phoning to set up an appointment for couples’ therapy. (And I would advise that you do the legwork of finding an appropriate therapist now, so that if your husband violates your privacy again, you can act right away before you can talk yourself out of it.)

It’s obvious this is a big deal to you. Honor that.

Post # 4
Member
7098 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Would you consider marriage counseling? Maybe if he heard it from someone other than you, it would sink in. I would be upset about what he’s doing as well.  It’s not just telling them some bit of information, it’s betraying your trust IMO. Definitely address this now before you have children in the picture. The two of you need to be a united front.

Post # 5
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I second the marriage counselling. My marriage would never last if my husband ran to his parents with every little tidbit. He does get a loose tongue occasionally, but I remind him how totally inappropriate it is and he shuts right up again. There’s only room for two people in a marriage.

Post # 6
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Yikes.  I’m a very private person as well, and just reading your post made me feel a lil sick at the thought of sharing so many intimate details of my life.  Thankfully my FI is also the same way…  which makes me think, you say he’s “always done it,” so why is it really such a surprise that he’s still doing it even after you’re married…? I mean, I totally empathize that this drives you crazy, but it seems like something you could’ve worked out before you made the ultimate commitment.  You’re probably right that he needs much more external approval from others than you do.  Or maybe this is just “normal” in his family, and his parents think this kind of over-sharing is the appropriate way to keep in touch with each other.  Or maybe he’s just really proud of you and wants to brag about your lives together? (Not that it makes it okay, just that his intentions are good.)

Anyway, I would NOT try to remedy this by doing it back to him so he can see how it feels…  it’s passive-aggressive and ultimately just complicates things.  Maybe I’m missing something, but I don’t think you mentioned actually talking to your DH about how much this bothers you? Is it possible he isn’t aware how much it upsets you?

Post # 7
Member
946 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Oh lordy. I would be so annoyed if I were you. Mad, definitely. I am also a private person, but probably less so than you, and I’m upset for you! I would not recommend trying to teach him a lesson by spreading personal stuff with your family. I would sit down with your DH and tell him how much you are actually upset. If you are even contemplating your own finances and even this leading to divorce, you definitely need to share with him. He must be extremely close to his family, and I get that. I’m super close to mine. But there are definite boundaries. I would never share things with my family that my DH wanted to be kept private. He is way more private than me. I would really try to communicate with him one on one. If that doesn’t seem to work, I would defniitely try counseling. Maybe he just isn’t getting it. But that isn’t your fault if you try to talk to him. You may need someone else to talk to him. 

Post # 8
Member
519 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m with Bridey77. Why does it bother you so much? Some people just need someone to vent to. I would tell my mom if we planned to buy a car. Does it just bother you that they know, or are their opinions somehow affecting your relationship?

Post # 9
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee

fossil1127:  I suppose you already told him you don’t like it. Maybe you have to be frank and tell him, it is not an option.  You do not want to put up with it. Its hurtful to you & makes it appear that he does not respect you and your feelings.  Maybe you should try to give him a dose of his own medicine.  It should not be out of spite, but to help him see reason.  To be effective you must know what he would deem private, but it seems nothing is off limits to him. I’m not going to suggest you tell your parents his salary, but ask him how he would feel if you told your parents.  He may have no problem telling his parents because they are his, but he may quickly change his tune if you suggest telling your private matters to your parents. He may get the picture then.

Post # 10
Member
643 posts
Busy bee

You said he’s always been this way and yet now it’s a marriage ending situation? Sickness and health, but don’t talk to your parents? I find this very extreme and quite frankly, ridiculous. 

No one is an island. We all need support at one time or another. I certainly wouldn’t isolate myself from my family for anyone. All they are doing is being curious and acting in a typical parent fashion. I don’t get the leap from a discussion to them controlling your life. Did they chose your car? Tell you whether or not to take the job? Or did they just talk to their son? 

I’m the first to say that my partner matters most to me but I sure wouldn’t be with someone who tried to control my relationships and interactions. I tell my mom everything (except about sex) and I see no problem with it. She’s my mom and she has my best interests at heart…same as she has since my birth.  

Quite frankly you sound insecure and controlling. They are his PARENTS and all he’s doing is talking.

Post # 11
Member
4834 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Wow really? You are so overreacting. I thought you were going to say he tells them how often you have sex or something. Who cares If his parents know how much money you make?

Regardless, have you actually asked him not to tell them personal things? Sounds like you have some communication problems. I would also consider counseling, either for yourself or both of you.

Post # 12
Member
2687 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

somethingblue04: I disagree. The OP said that she feels her personal salary is private information that her ILs don’t need to know, and I can’t imagine why her DH would need “support” from his parents regarding his wife’s salary. The OP and her husband’s best interests don’t require that his parents need to know the details of the OP’s financial situation. Her FIL asked how much she was going to be making and she replied vaguely without ignoring the question (“It’s a good offer and I accepted it!”) so THEN FIL went to his son and asked the same question and her DH told him. I don’t understand how anyone could fail to see the problem with that. If I were the OP, I would wonder what (to me) intimate detail my DH would be sharing with his parents next: that I was having my period? Most people have a line. The OP’s DH is crossing hers, and continues to do so, disrespecting her repeated requests that he stop. That’s what *I* find extreme.

Post # 13
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

fossil1127:  I would hate this with my entire life. My life is my life and I usually don’t share my private details with anyone except my husband. When I do very rarely share things with my sister or maybe my brother I always ask that they not mention it to anyone else.  They may think, “Okay, that wasn’t even important so who cares?” but it matters to me and they respect that. What worries me about your situation is that your husband isn’t respecting your wishes or that this bothers you.

If I were you, I would have a very serious discussion with him and remind him of what you asked of him and explain to him again why it’s important to you. I would also mention to him that while he may not understand WHY this is important to you, he needs to respect THAT it’s important to you. Good luck. 

Post # 14
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

So I don’t think that this should be a marriage ending thing, but if it has been an ongoing issue I understand why you’re so upset especially if you’ve discussed it with your husband before. My future in laws have also persistently been very up into our private business, including finances, and I do not understand why they think it is in any way appropriate. They do not welcome similar questions about their personal lives, so it isn’t as though the family is just open and this is how things are done.

I don’t think telling them you’re looking at a new car is a big deal at all though. I just had a conversation with FI about needing to address his parents’ behavior because I have found myself sharing virtually nothing with them because of it.  Is there any chance you’re a little sensitive about sharing anything at all because of their prior history of inappropriateness? I realized I have been and so its obvious we are going to have to address it with them. I empathize, and I hope it works out well for you and that you and hubby can have a productive talk about it.

Post # 15
Member
1321 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

not okay AT ALL. 

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