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This is a big issue in my marriage - perhaps our biggest issue. I haven't found a solution. We did do two Christmases apart (even after we were married). Then we had Christmas at our house. This year we are with his family. I am not sure what's going to happen in the future, but ... it is hard. A lot of nasty fights. My husband also seems, to me, unreasonable. We get along on almost everything else, and he is a wonderful and unselfish person on every other issue.
Sorry I don't have more advice, but at least you know you are not alone.
We decided we are going to switch off every year so this year my family gets Thanksgiving and Easter and his gets Christmas. Next year it will be opposite. This will be the first year we are employing this and I will say I'm really nervous about spending Christmas with his family and sad about spending it away from mine but it is all about compromise!
What he is doing is not fair- and if he isn't willing to go to your family for any holiday I would definitely go alone.
Holidays were a bit of an issue with us as well (his family does a huge extended family 'Christmaspalooza' as I call it, while mine is just my immediate family and my grandpa). Thankfully, he's pretty cool with switching back and forth and my family is nice about doing Christmas whenever we can make it work (3 of the 4 kids are in college, so we've got strange schedules), so we haven't had to miss any celebrations yet.
I hope that counseling works this out for you two. I can't offer too much advice, since Mr.ND has been pretty cool up to this point, but I wonder what it'll be like when we have kids (I'd like to do our own family traditions, not ALWAYS doing our parents' things). Has your husband even considered that? Or does he think that you AND the kids will ALWAYS go to his family stuff?
At this point, OP, I'd go to your own Thanksgiving, rather than going to his and being resentful (and reinforcing the idea that his family gets all holidays). Other bees may disagree with that recommendation, but he seems to be acting very childish and I know I'd just be a sourpuss if I was with his family for all holidays when he behaves like that.
Do you guys live very far from either family? Does he not get to spend a lot of time with them? Does he spend time with your family other wise? I agree with @NDBee. If it were me, I'd probably say fine, you go to yours, I'll go to mine, see you at home after dinner.
I don't know if it will work for you, but are you wedded to having Thanksgiving on THE day? We're doing Thanksgiving on Wednesday (in the past my parents have had it on Friday or Saturday, too). This year it's because of my DH's work schedule, but if my parents or his parents were both dead set on seeing us ON Thanksgiving, I'd have no problem hosting my own a different day.
Is it possible you could go to his parents on Thursday, and then have your own at home (either alone as newlyweds, or inviting whoever you like to share it with you) on, for instance, Saturday? Granted, there won't be parades or NFL games on TV, but I figure Thanksgiving is more the gathering than the particular day.
I think counseling is a good start. It sounds like he wants to see his family so badly that he is not even considering an alternative or thinking about how this will affect you. To him it's perfectly reasonable to put his foot down and say you are either going to see his family or splitting up. He's not absorbing how that particular action is affecting you and therefore your marriage.
The holidays are tough. It's pretty rare that there's an easy solution since we have all been spending them with our family's from day #1 and it's really hard to stop doing that. For us, even though we see my family for the majority of the year and pretty much ONLY see DH's parents over the holidays, it's still hard. I miss my parents on Thanksgiving and Christmas, even though I'm so happy to be with DH's family.
i would def follow in your husbands footsteps if i had the balls! haha - i love being with my family BUT this is a marriage and marriage is about compromise..we will be doing thanksgiving at my parents but to get that i had to agree to go down to his parents house friday and spend the night! (short end of the stick here! haha) then for xmas we will do christmas eve/morning with his parents (see how i get roped into spending the night there?) and head to my parents house for xmas dinner. but see? compromise.
in all honesty (though i joked about forcing my husband to do holidays with my parents always) i would be extremely upset if either one of us refused the others family. period. holidays or not.
I think if your families live far apart, it would make the most sense to alternate holidays between families year to year. For FI and I, our families only live 30 minutes apart, so we spend time with both of our families for holidays. For Christmas, we have Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my family, then we drive to FI's family for Christmas day. It has worked out really well.
I do think counselling could help you guys. You really need to come to a compromise that BOTH of you will be happy with, not just him. I totally agree that it is not fair for you to not see your family during the holidays. Honestly, I think if FI refused to see my family, I would go by myself and he could see his family on his own.
My FI and I are dealing with this now. The last two years his mother has ended up being in the hospital sick with one thing or another, and his dad just didn't do any dinners or anything. This year however, she's healthy and looks like we'll be attempting Thanksgiving. My parents planned on having theirs at about 4 and when we asked his mom, her reply was "early evening" .. we asked for a more specific time. She got pissed, threw a fit and declared that hers would be at 530. Therefore, we cant go to both. My parents offered to move their time to earlier in the day, but that meant my brother, sister in law and niece couldn't come {they go to my SILs family functions early in the day} so I told my mom to leave theirs alone. We're going to another family dinner that Sunday, and my parents will be there, so we'll see them then. As it stands now, we're going to go to my parents house to watch the Packers game early in the day, then head to his parents for dinner.
If you're lucky enough to live close to both sides where you can attempt to do both, perhaps try talking about that? I understand he wants to be with his family, but he should also want to be with you, as well as spend time with your family. Marriage is all about compromise. I hope you can get things straightened out, because spending the holidays without your husband is surely not your idea of a wonderful holiday.
It does make sense to alternate, but that's a hard thing to give up. What we will be doing.
Christmast Eve with my family and Christmas Day with his. But our parents live about an hour apart, so that works for us. For thanksgiving, my siblings all live a few hours away and none of his family does, so we spend it with them.
I know this is probably wrong, but if my FI was pulling that crap or husband year after year...I'd say fine, Christmas apart and then go to my family every other year with or without him. He's the one not budging and he's the one that will end up looking like an ass. But I know it'd be hard to not be with your family (him and you) on those special days too.
This is a huge issue. Your husband is being self-involved and completely unreasonable. As husband and wife, you two have your OWN family now... the two of you. It shouldn't be about his family or your family. This must be balanced out. Perhaps a pastor or counselor can help knock some sense into your husband? Not to scare you, but my mom divorced her first husband for this exact reason. He wouldn't even let them go to her mother's house for Thanksgiving the year she died... it was my Grandmother's last Thanksgiving and he forced my mom to spend it with his family.
Biblically, once married, you and your husband leave your parents and should cleave to one another. You are no longer two, but one flesh.
Yea this would be a HUGE issue for me. I don't see why he doesn't compromise on this issue. How does he not see that he is being totally selfish? I get being sad at not seeing your family for a holiday, next Christmas when we spend Christmas with his mom in NY (we are alternating and doing my fam first this year), it will be my first Christmas ever not with my family and it will make me incredibly sad. But I would never be so selfish as to deny my husband equal holiday time with his family.
I am not married, but my SO and I have had similar issues in the past. His parents are divorced, so we have three families to try and see...and his mother is not happy when he's not there for every single one. Last year, we were apart for Thanksgiving and I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with his family. We spent the 26th with my parents. This year, I really had to put my foot down...my 91 year old grandfather is staying in my parent's home (he usually lives out of state) for the holidays, so it's very important that I'm there and also very important to me that my SO spends time with him.
What I did was bring up the topic every few days when I could sense he was in a good mood. I didn't ever ask to take the conversation further, I'd say, "We don't have to talk about this now, but I just wanted to let you know that it's really important we figure something fair out for the holidays this year. We can just think about it for now."
I waited until he FINALLY brought up Thanksgiving (he's a last minute kinda guy). He told me he was spending it with his mother. I said, "Great! So we can spend Christmas Eve with your father and Christmas Day with my family?" It worked! :)
Also... are you able to invite your family to his family's celebration? My parents are coming with us to his dad's side's Christmas Eve celebration!
We are very lucky that everyone in our family is within 45 mins of driving from us. We have done it this way a few years now, and seems to work. Thanksgiving we spend dinner with my family, then go to his family for dessert and coffee. Then for Christmas, we go see his family in the morning, go to my parents to open presents with them, then to my aunt's house to see the rest of my family. We see his sister and her family either on the Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas, depending on the day of the week and work schedules. This way, we get to spend an entire day hanging out with the kids, and more quality time with everyone because its in smaller doses
We are in a similar situation. Our families are all within a 30 minute drive of us and that makes things more complicated if that's possible. We've started spreading things out a bit, but it's still hard. Currently our biggest issue is the amount of time we actually spend with each family. DH has horrible allergies and all of my family have pets, so we can only spend a curtain amount of time with my family before DH literally starts to keel over.
I would recommend trying to spread things out if it all possible. Either that or spend the holidays apart. The latter option sucks, but sometimes it just has to happen. Maybe your husband will get the hint that if he doesn't compromise than you'll be apart for the holidays.
@MsMonkey: My parents are divorced as well and my mother acts the exact same way.
Why wasn't a pattern established before you got married? I def think that counseling will help--this is a sign of a larger problem, in that he refuses to compromise with you. Does he expect for you to never see your family as a couple on the holidays?
FI and I alternate--we do tgiving with my family because they are 3 hours away and we don't *have* to spend the night if one of us needs to get back home the next day for work or something. We do Christmas at his family because it's a bigger deal over there and we have more time off to make the 8 hour drive and spend time with them. We usually stop by my parents on the way there and back for a few hours.
Would each of us rather spend the entire time with our own families? Probably. But we're a unit and we have to make both parts happy.
I think counseling will help you guys get to the root of this problem. He shouldn't be acting this way towards you and your family. I get that it's hard to spend holidays away from the family and traditions you grew up with, but guess what- marriage is about your husband/wife and compromising, and yes that means spending time with eachother's families over the holidays. He's acting like an absolute child. Would it really kill him to switch years and take turns? What about somehow doing Thanksgiving on seperate days with each family? Would it be possible for everyone to come to you guys so everyone can be together under one roof? That's what DH and I plan to do once we're in a bigger home and have babies. Sorry I sound harsh, but come on!
We had some issues last year, so FI was wise to bring it up waaaay early this year =))
We're in Canada, so Thanksgiving isn't an issue.
We've hashed it out so that it's my parents' on xmas eve, and his on xmas day. Since I'm Chinese and he is not, we always do Chinese New Year at my parents'.
Why is it fair that you have to spend every holiday away from your family? Marriage is about compromise, so I hope that counseling works out for you both.
Holidays were something I really struggled with. My family, including aunts and unles, all live in the same town. So growing up, we never had to travel more than 10 minutes to see anyone. My FI's family on the other hand lives all over the country. It's been a real challenge splitting up holidays, but we do the best we can and alternate years.
I definitley feel for you. I didn't see this mentioned (but I skimmed)- does your husband like your family or is there a problem? I don't see my in-laws on holiday's but the like factor plays in. If he doesn't have any issue you're right and it's not fair. I'd bring up this exact issue up in counseling and trying to make an agreement. Hopefully you can work through it together!
His problem is that he must do whatever his mother is doing; a mother enmeshed man. He has no problem with my family at all
He doesn't care if I go with him or not, he prefers to be alone with his family.
I even try to plan in advance... he says "I don't know what I'm doing yet." I respond "You mean, you haven't been told what you're doing yet?" He does not like that. This even came up again 2 days ago... not even a week left to thanksgiving. I asked what we will do for desert. He can't just make plans with me if none are in place, he must wait to see what his mother tells him.
I contacted two therapists in the area because literally we are at the beginning of the process, so hopefully we see someone before at least Xmas.
You two do need to decide some sort of compromise. What happens when you have kids? Do you just automatically take them to your parents because they need to be with mom?
My FI's parents are an hour away from mine so we do both, we spend afternoon at my parents for thanksgiving - and go to his for dinner, Christmas eve is at his parents and we do Christmas day breakfast and lunch at mine. It is tiring and we can’t eat everything they want to - and always feel like we are leaving early - but they understand.
How would your parents feel if only you showed up for holidays? What about his parents? I bet they would like to see you both, and if you have kids I'd bet the grandparents would like to see their grandkids.
Edit: "He doesn't care if I go with him or not, he prefers to be alone with his family."
Wow :( So according to him, you two aren't a family? - and you are not in anyway involved in "his family"?
I'd be breaking things... Contacting someone is a good choice.
@sarahmay85: I am going through a similar situation to yours so I know how you feel and how angry this can make you. However, based on your last reply, saying to him that he is waiting to be "told" what to do, you might be helping fuel this vicious cycle.
I think you definitely need some counseling because you may be antagonizing the situation a little (out of anger of course) and he might actually be rebeling against you slightly.
He definitely should compromise but it probably makes it harder when he just hears negative reinforcement.
I think its about learning to talk to eachother in a gentle way, and your counselor will help you with that.
@sarahmay85: Maybe you could call his mom yourself? Talk woman to woman, lol. I don't know if that could help or hurt this situation though..
I see a big problem with him not caring if you come with him? He should certainly be able to visit home by himself, but if he's so family-oriented, you'd think he'd want you to be his family and to come to everything?
Yeah, I'd be pretty pissed if I were you. When I first moved to Europe to be with my FI, he wanted to go visit his parents every single weekend overnight (which he did when we were in a LDR). I had to put my foot down because we needed a life together as a couple, plus I needed the time on the weekends to catch up on things! He has a very close family - and seriously the nicest people I've ever met - but his mom is always planning the next family get together. I can usually clock it as to when that agenda pad will come out and she'll start planning 4 months in advance, lol.
I only see my parents once or twice a year, we alternate families between the holidays and summer vacations. At first it was really hard seeing so much of his family and not enough of mine, but we just don't have the money to make those transatlantic trips more often. It's rough not spending the time with your family.
...and for you that includes your husband and your parents. He is being unreasonable by hogging the holiday time, and not putting you first as his wife. I hope the therapy helps him see that.
I'm sorry about this. Are both of your families far away? Could u do xmas eve @ 1 house and Xmas at another? Also, could you host some years so both of your families can be there?
Besides those proposed solutions - it blows. He's not the only one with a family. He needs to learn to compromise, because you won't have a happy marriage otherwise.
I'm really glad you're looking into counseling because that is a HUGE issue. If it were my DH, I'd say, "Wouldn't it be weird if on thanksgiving your mom went to her parents house and your father went to his parents? Because it's the same exact thing." I would then tell him that he was being incredibly selfish by being unwilling to spend any holidays with my family, and that eh needed to start thinking of me as his main family rather than his mother.
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I've been seeking advice on these kinds of sites.
People say just switch off every year, but he won't! So what can I do? We are going to counseling (he is a mother enmeshed man and it has poisoned our marriage) but not in time for thanksgiving... for example, he has told me he will never be anywhere but at his parent's house for xmas eve because his mom simply has people over! Also, with that xmas eve statement, you'd think the other holidays are "up for grabs"... NOPE. Apparently not!
It's ridiculous. Even as newlyweds, I tried another suggestion I have gotten is to have the holiday at our home... like dinner just us and desert with people over. But then he barks at me "I'm not going to stay home with you for dinner, the holiday is about family!" in which I respond "yes, it's about family! JUST YOURS!"
I mean, its about family so why won't he see mine? Mine are SO NICE to him!! Make him feel welcome and comfortable, and love him.
It kills me... I don't know what to do this holiday. He even suggests he go alone to his and I go alone to mine.... why does this have to hurt so badly?
Will counseling fix this? Or help to? What should I do for thanksgiving... go alone...?