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Oh that's rude on so many counts! I understand that she couldn't come or whatever, but they really should have contacted you before the wedding - even if it was the morning of to let you know. And they certainly should have apologised. You're so right - it's not hard to text.
I guess on the plus side is that they've clearly offended other members of your husband's family too by their behaviour so maybe you can let them fight this battle for you - or at least you'll have someone who'll understand how you're feeling.
Ya i would be so upset!!! i dont blame you for not wanting to have small talk at family gatherings i wouldnt either! it wouldnt have hurt them to call or text like you said! i dont know how i would handle a situation like that probably the same id be so offended and cut off all ties!! but you cant cause they are family!! im sorry!!
To be fair, twin pregnancies are generally high risk, and I don't really see anything wrong with their telling you that they hope to make it, but there is some possibility that they will not be able to due to medical issues. And honestly, it is possible that they won't know that until the morning of your wedding. One of my bridesmaids was 7 months pregnant, and she didn't know until the morning of the wedding what activities she could participate in (she walked down the aisle, but did not get her hair or makeup done or pose for pictures, and I was completely fine with that since I just wanted her to participate to whatever extent she felt capable).
If a not-very close friend was in this situation, they should RSVP no, but I do think brides need to just pay the extra cost to hold a place for a brother even if there is some possibility he will not be able to attend. If your husband actually called and was less than diplomatic about the situation, I can understand their being upset. I can also understand their not contacting the bride or groom on their wedding day to tell them that they are unable to attend since you have a million other things to deal with then, but they should have contacted another family member to explain the situation and offered abject and sincere apologies to you and your husband afterwards. I would be much more upset about the lack of an apology than anything else, and you should feel free to limit your generosity with them in the future. you will need to force yourself to make brief, polite small talk, but don't feel the need to go out of your way to help them in the future.
i wouldn't know what to think. professorbee has a good point that given the risks with twins she might not have known until the morning of whether or not they would make it. but it seems odd that they couldn't at least text someone to let them know they couldn't make it. y'all had told them how important the family pictures were, so that makes it seems especially rude not to have at least sent a text.
have they ever said anything about why they don't come to family events? do they not really like large gatherings? does one of them have a social phobia?
WHat a tough spot.It really stinks that you have been so supportive of them. I do think it is extremely rude to not even acknoledge that you and your husband got married. Regardless of how she felt on that day, everything is ok now and they should atleast call, send a cards, anything. It does sound like the rest of your husband's family is sticking up for you,so that's good.
As far as moving forward I would be polite, but definately not go out of my way to speak to them.
Wow that was very rude. Even if she couldn't attend your BIL could have came to the ceremony at least and left her home. And it's been 2 weeks since your wedding and nothing? Not a sorry we couldn't make it call or email? That is ridiculous. I am not as passive as others would be in this situation. If it bothers your husband than he should call his brother and see what the hell is up. Also I would mention their lack of an email, card, gift, and thank you for all of the baby gifts that you got them! They sound very selfish and I wouldn't:
1. go out of your way to see the babies when they arrive, I would offer a simple congratulations text or email that's it which is more than they gave you on your wedding day
2. buy them any more baby stuff
3. talk to them other than when it's necessary at family functions to keep the peace there.
And I know many won't agree with me and that's fine to each her own, but I'm more confrontational and would need the answers as opposed to just wondering why. Also it would let the BIL/SIL know that NOT giving a thank you card after such generous gifts is just plain RUDE.
it's not like the wedding was in another state - the couple lives in the SUBURBS. That's just super lame. The father of the twins is the groom's brother, so it stands to reason that the mother of the twins' family wasn't at this wedding. She could have had a sister/brother/cousin/girlfriend/neighbor/mom/dad ANYONE sit with her for 2 hours while the brother went to the wedding. That doesn't sound like a good excuse. Unless the brother was physically having twins also, he could have at least driven 30 minutes into the city to see the ceremony.
Good luck OP!
i think it sucks that they did that, it isn't hard to give you a phone call if she wasn't feeling well. i understand that you aren't happy with them, but i would try to be the bigger person here. you have new babies coming into the family, and i know it would make me sad if i had a niece and/or nephew that i didn't get to know just because my bil was being stupid.
Thanks for all the feedback!
In response to some of the questions & comments:
- They don't have a social phobia...there has been family drama in the past and I had been given the heads up that the SIL really does not care for FI's side of the family.
- Actually husband and I had proposed a solution where brother makes the trip solo (acknowledging SIL is pregnant and if can't travel could stay with her mother), comes to our 30 min ceremony, pose for family pictures (5 min) and then head back--->total turnaround time max 2 hours being away from her. This solution offended SIL greatly with her saying that as the father of her two babies, he needs to be with her at all times. Personally, I think this is a bit unreasonable but just my opinion.
- I totally understand that being pregnant especially with twins is difficult so we had originally expected her not to come, my feelings of slight and insult stem from them not even providing an explanation given they made such a big deal about presenting this "solution" to us. My husband had to make a special trip to their apartment so they could tell him their solution in person.
I just feel like the SIL was just saying what we wanted to hear and then snubbed us intentionally - why go through all that effort and make us go through hoops like that? I would rather them provide a more honest response and say "don't feel like it's a good idea to come to your wedding given her condition". We totally would have been cool with that though disappointed that the brother didn't find it important to even show up.
-We are assuming that SIL will not want us involved in the twins lives...they used to live NEXT DOOR to husband's sister and would not show up at family events or help out when they were at their home next door.
Right now our plan is to not even approach them, they obviously don't see it as a priority to make it an effort to explain themselves and don't want to start additional family drama considering her condition. Thanks again for all of your support and comments!
Hmm. Tough one. I mean, they really should have let someone know they weren't coming and sent at least a card. Clearly they are self-absorbed people, and I'm sure you and your hubby are not the only ones that think so. I'd honestly be the bigger person here and not stir up additional family drama. It will only hurt you in the long run. I wouldn't go out of my way to do anything for them either, though.
I would feel extremely insulted too! Unfortunately, I can relate.
My husband's sister and three kids told us she was coming to our wedding. She would leave us FB messages about how excited she was, tell her mom (the hubs' mom) she was excited about buying a dress for the wedding and to see everyone. It was a big deal she was coming because she lives kind of far from her family, and my in-laws hadn't seen her or the kids in oh, probably at least five years. I had never met her.
Well, RSVP date comes and goes, and we still assume she's coming. Two weeks from the RSVP date, we get a FB message from her because we couldn't get ahold of her any other way to get meal perferences, and she tells us she doesn't feel like making the trip (three hours from wedding site - even though she had about a year and a half to make arrangements).
We pretty much have stopped being friendly with her. Thankfully, we don't even see her at Christmas because she never comes home, so we haven't yet had to deal with the awkward small talk.
It's just really hurtful because this was a sibling. Not a cousin or distant relative. Our plan is to be cordial if we ever meet her, but not go out of our way to do so. If things change/we get an apology, we'll change that, obviously.
I'm really sorry. That just sucks :(
I think that totally sucks. But I also think that in order to have a nice realtionship with your future neices/nephews you need to just let it go. They'll be the ones hurt the most in the end if you end up not talking to your husbands family membeers.
They had a 45min talk saying their plans were, so even though they are having twins and the risk, etc. etc., that's not what they put out there so they are wrong for that. Also, that they were able to tell someone after being hunted down on FB instead of having the proper social graces to call or text to say, sorry can't make it, makes them even more rude.
And that they haven't sent out any thank yous for gifts received for their babies suggest these folks are both very selfish and I wouldn't want to engage in any small talk with them. Kudos at least for your new family for acknowledging this issue; many wouldn't and would tell you to just suck it up.
See the babies when they are born, because it's the right thing to do, but keep the visit short, talk with other family members and keep any and all conversations with them very brief. Let them take the steps to make amends, otherwise, just see them at the few family events they opt to show up to, since it doesn't sound like they really do (and hence really don't want to be a part of the extended family).
We had similar drama with my husband's cousins who were like brothers to him growing up. And honestly, I'm still mad about it. A lot of people say talk about letting it go for the sake of keeping the peace, being the bigger person, etc. But I think that just validates that kind of behavior and frankly, IT'S NOT OK! Your BIL should absolutely have been at that wedding, if just for the ceremony. I think it's safe to assume he is not at his wife's side 24 hours a day, he probably goes to work, runs errands, etc. It is not unrealistic for them to be apart for 2 hours if she was not feeling up to attending so that he could be there. And while I can understand not wanting to contact you on your wedding day to say they wouldn't be coming they could certainly have contacted a family member so you wouldn't be left wondering. The fact that they didn't bother to contact you after either shows that they are really just ill-mannered as evidenced by the lack of thank you for the baby gifts. If it were me, I would be done with them. For your husband's sake I would plan on being cordial if you happen to be at a family event together but I would try to keep contact with them at a minimum. I wouldn't say anything about the wedding and their lack of attendance, I would just be done with them. Maybe having a family will change their attitudes and self-serving behavior and if so, great. If they change into people that you want to be around then you can make an effort to do so. Otherwise I think they have shown you what you can expect from them and I would just file it away and respond accordingly in the future.
yah, I don't expect most people to "bug" me the day of the wedding, but people who are in family photos SHOULD let you know for obvious reasons
I think it's OK to not initiate small talk, but you might still have to make some, and since it isn't your family, you just need to let DH and his family work it out.
I think their behavior was totally inappropriate. When your own brother is getting married, in the same town, you show up. If she didn't feel well, that is totally understandable - but he still should have at LEAST come to the ceremony. I honestly don't see any excuse outside of her going into labor that would make it so he couldn't leave her side for a few hours. And the fact that they didn't call/text the day of and then never since then is just not acceptable. I would be really hurt and angry if I were your husband.
They seem so self absorbed that I don't see how talking to them would help. Its sad.
She seems pretty self centric. I'm sure in her head it all makes perfect sense to her, and she can't imagine how anyone could possibly be upset. She's pregnant with twins, didn't you hear? :-)
I would just cut back on making an effort for a while. But would just drop any feelings of bitterness over the baby/attendance thing... they just sound like they made a spur of the moment judgment call the morning of, and were too wrapped up in things to tell you guys.
Pretty inconsiderate, but that sounds like par for the course from her these days. I agree with Janna19 about how talking to them wouldn't help.
If they can take time out to go on Facebook to tell Another Family Member that she wasn't feeling well...then why couldn't EITHER one of them txt you or call ..I get if she's sick , can't make it ,fine understand that , however whats the Brothers excuse, why couldn't HE pick up a phone to call or txt you that they can't make it and sorry, it is His Brother thats getting married . They could of atleast sent you a card ..and there is NO EXCUSE as to why they can't send out thank you cards for the generous gifts you gave them for the babies... Its common courtesy to send out thank you cards.. Your hubby and her hubby are BROTHERS... not strangers..So to be honest , i would call The brother on it ..i wouldn't upset the SIL since obviously shes in delicate condition , but take the brother aside and have a serious talk ....and make sure you get ur point across ..and i would suggest doing this before the babies come ..that way your clearing the air and starting fresh ( kinda)
Good luck !
I feel so angry on your behalf when I read your post! That is just plain rude. Obviously being pregnant with twins is high risk and I can understand her not being able to come but even if she was very unwell on the day and they just didn't think/didn't have time to contact you or someone else, they should at the very least have sent a letter or called you explaining the next day. God knows what sort of manners she will be passing on to her children! If I were you I would take the higher ground and just be formal with them at family gatherings which isn't rude but also shows them how your relationship with them has cooled.
I don't know why people think it's acceptable to disappear off the face of the earth when a wedding is involved. They have already put you through so much, try not to let them put you through more. Just assume you will never be important enough to them that they will ever care about your lives or acknowledge milestone events.
How rude and selfish not to send a thank you card! I am fuming right now b/c I never got a thank-you card from my BM whose wedding I was in this past August after spending soo much money on gifts for her and now she's disappeared and we have to order our dresses.
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Sorry in advance for the long post....
We are newlyweds, and at our wedding we had a wonderful time. One residual issue - my husband's brother and SIL did not show up at our wedding even though they had sent in an RSVP "yes".
For background, my now SIL is 7.5 months pregnant with twins (due in February) so I totally get that going to a wedding isn't top priority for her. They live out in the suburbs, we were getting married in the city and I was surprised to get an RSVP "yes" since they have a track record of not coming to very many family events (baptisms, Easter, Christmas, etc). They have gone to other cousin's weddings...
A couple weeks prior to the wedding, I get an email from the SIL saying they were not "100%" about coming - I wrote her back saying that I understood given her condition and to please let us know fairly soon so I can change headcount if necessary.
I told my FI, and he was not too happy so he called his brother and probably not very diplomatically said "I'll be p'd if you don't come to at least the ceremony". Family drama ensued with the SIL saying that there was a "mass miscommunication" and insisted that I call her to talk live and to have my FI come over to their place so they can discuss the situation.
I spent over 45 min on the phone with her - she said that it was never a case that they "weren't coming"...short of any medical difficulties, their plan was to come to the ceremony and cocktail hour but then go home and not stay for dinner. I was totally fine with it and when my FI went over to their apartment, he got the exact same story.
We both said to the SIL, just let us know if you can't make it since we were planning on having family pictures taken and it was really important to my FI (now husband).
Fast forward to wedding - they no show...no text, no email, no notification whatsoever. They still have not contacted us to provide an explanation. I found out via FB, where another family member posted to the SIL's wall asking where they were. The gist of it was "wasn't feeling well, couldn't make it".
FI's sister remains upset and called to see if either one of them would offer up any explanation - nothing, acted like nothing was wrong and didn't even mention the wedding, just talk about the pregnancy.
So.........my solicitation for advice is, how do I handle this in the future? We all are now family, with the birth of their twins imminent. I should note that we spent well over $1000 buying them two car seats, swing sleeping units, and other baby supplies when we first heard of the pregnancy - and no thank you card from them.
I told my FI that I don't feel comfortable making small talk with them at any family event given that we weren't even worth a text or e-card (we did not get a wedding card, or any acknowledgement of our marriage) and it doesn't take a lot of effort to text "wife feels sick and can't travel, can't make it, sorry". Especially all the support we have shown in their life event. I guess I feel very slighted and insulted by the treatment!
Thoughts on how to handle and deal with them in the future? Thanks in advance for listening to my rant!